words...ridiculously sentimental words...

i wrote a letter with (i'm sure) too much sentiment.  then i let all my stupid, sentimental words spill all over facebook.  now i feel like a complete fool.  i'm embarrassed and irritated with myself.  i really need to stop flooding everywhere.  i don't even know why i do it.  i just have too much inside of me and i can't seem to find enough places to put it.  i don't want to burden people directly, but i can't carry it all myself.  so i send it into the void and hope maybe i'll get a prayer or something.  and maybe my struggles will help someone else somehow...if nothing else, you can be grateful you're not a basket case like me.  you can be grateful you're not single anymore.  being single in a world of married people really isn't great.  watching people with their significant companion and their adorable children wrenches my heart.  i miss my married friends, i love them and i am so happy for their happiness, but i don't fit in with them and it hurts so much.  i don't know how to be around them.  i don't know how to set up a "play date" when i have no children to contribute.  maybe i could borrow a niece and/or nephew...i've always felt so out of place anyway, but now i feel like a complete alien so much of the time.  except with the few single friends i still have...particularly Will, but now he's gone.  i know, i need to get over it already.  i'm sorry i'm such a mess.  i'm sorry i didn't make better choices so i could be in a better place.  i did what i thought was right at the time and now i'm just not sure what to do.  i wish i could have just one more long embrace.  i wish i could have just one more moment.  or i wish i could find someone new who makes me feel like home.

i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words.  i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace.  i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person.  i just want to stop being me, just for a little while.  i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.

loss is no disaster

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

~ Elizabeth Bishop

 

this poem has been on my mind recently.  i'm trying to convince myself that my life is not a disaster, though it does feel that way.  i lose too much, too many, but it isn't a disaster, right?  it's just life. life is loss...and gain.  i can't lose something if i don't have it in the first place.

Marilyn Monroe said, "Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together."  if i really look back in my life i can see how good things have filled in the space where other things have fallen apart.  

i'm struggling right now.  it's less that "things" are falling apart and more that i am.  i wonder if the day will ever come when i don't fall apart. i'm overly sensitive, weak, afraid, and i care too much about everything.  i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, i let it consume my every thought and action.  i wish that meant that i was kind and loving all the time.  but what it means is that i think and act irrationally and emotionally too much of the time.  sometimes i love too quickly and too deeply.  sometimes i hold on to hurt and betrayal too long.  i'm not very good at patience or forgiveness sometimes.  i need to find a way to pull myself together and keep myself from falling all apart.  my heart and my sensitivity could be a great strength instead of the terrible weakness it is currently.  i guess i just need more faith, more trust in Heavenly Father.

when i was little i had a lot more faith and trust than i do now.  i had plenty of hope and optimism too.  but life has beaten me down and i wasn't strong enough to fight back.  sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding on.  i'm so tired, so weary, so lonely, i don't know how to hold on much longer without some help.  i'm just having a little trouble seeing it right now.  it'll come...i don't know when and i don't know how, but it will.

vacancy

my Will is going away.  tonight was the last time i'll see him until at least Christmas...then who knows when.  i don't have the words to explain why he means so much to me.  being with him is the closest i've ever felt to that ever illusive "home" i've ached for my whole life.  i don't care that he'll never be in love with me, as my dear friend, he loves me better than any man ever has.  he has seen the depths of my darkness but sees me as so much more than that.  and that's only the beginning.  he is truly phenomenal.

but now he's moving.  he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do.  i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows.  i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it.  but he's amazing, he'll be fine.  i don't know that i'll be fine though.  the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again.  most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful.  that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy.  first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state.  with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him.  the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance.  there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine.  isn't it about time i'm truly loved?  isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend?  that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me.  it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.

so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago.  it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing.  he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome.  those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.

i really hope that the voice inside is right.  i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down.  i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.

i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!