broken brain = sabotage

I’ve been spending too much time again

Alone inside my messed up head

Being with him may be driving me nuts

His consistent inconsistency’s too much

 “Busy” is what he says to explain

Sudden distance, silence, space

“I’m not going away, lay that worry to rest”

Incongruent words cause confusing stress

Here and gone, did I push him away?

Does he leave because I begged him to stay?

He knows I’m hooked, though I try to be calm

Why do I want him when I know we’re all wrong?

Is it better to be alone and sane

Or half crazy in someone’s arms?

it's difficult sometimes. life is overwhelming and i just need someone to see me, hear me, hold me. he's good at two of those...sometimes he's good at all three...when he wants to be....

the last month has been really rough for me. the constant rain and shifting weather, and now the heat have given me horrible headaches, restlessness, and a heavy bout of depression. working 7-12 hours a day, 6 days a week with little sleep and not enough food has just made it worse. topping it off, his sudden distance and silence made it pretty much unbearable. i'm really glad May is over, it was too much. i'm a little afraid June won't be much better. 

i need a friend. i need someone who wants to give me time and attention, just for a moment. it seems no one has either these days...not for me anyway...not when it's convenient for me anyway. i try to be accommodating. i've always tried to be flexible, to be there for people when they need me and how they need me. right now i feel like no one is there for me.

most of the people i feel comfortable talking to have children. don't get me wrong, i love children, they are beautiful and fun and so amazing...except when i need to talk, when i need undivided attention. along with my near constant headaches/migraines i also experience oversensitivity to sound and light. children are noisy and since i'm not a parent i haven't developed the ability to tune them out when i'm trying to have a conversation. that's one of the reasons why it's too difficult for me to hang out with my friends who have children. i don't know how to ask for their time and attention away from their kids. parents should spend as much time as they can with their children, who am i to request even a momentary separation? and what about the hassle of finding a sitter? i wish i were a better friend to the people i love and miss who are wrapped up in the life i wish i could live...it's really hard for me sometimes.

my single friends are becoming more distant as well, most of them living far away these days. i don't want to disrupt their lives with my stupid need for attention. when they are around i try to keep a smile on my face, act positive even when i'm wishing i could just go to sleep and not wake up. sometimes i pray for that. please let me just disappear. who would even notice? who would even care? please don't make me do this again tomorrow. but i always wake up.

tonight (it's 1:19am and i can't sleep...hooray for insomnia! sigh) i wish i could go somewhere, a cool, dark, safe place with a comfortable bed, plenty of fresh air, and soundproof walls. i wish i could be sedated, hooked up to an IV that would give me what my body needs, and just let me sleep for a week, or longer. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to worry about eating...eating is one of the most difficult activities for me these days. i don't know what to do about anything.

i know i started this post talking about a boy...he's not the reason i'm depressed and wishing for an end. he's been better to me than i thought possible. he really has tried to be a better friend. it's true that when he wants me i feel better and when he doesn't i feel worse, but that's true with anyone. it's easier to want to live when i know someone else wants me to keep going. sometimes it's just nice to know someone out there is thinking of me, caring about me, every day...letting me know that i'm not invisible, insignificant, alone. but i don't want to be dependent on another person like that. i can be okay alone. i've spent most of my life alone. it's just better with someone else. i don't know what it means when he gets distant and silent like this. did he find someone more interesting, more attractive, more sane? or does he just need some time alone? does it matter? sometimes i wish he would find someone else...i wish he'd decide to love me, or leave me alone for good. but i don't see either of those happening anytime soon. so we're stuck in between...which is what i wanted...till now. i don't like the lack of stability and security. but i don't think either of us are ready...we're both a little messed up, it's not just me. i really just want to know. i want to stop being afraid. i want to trust and stop panicking, stop walking on eggshells, stop wondering about the future, stop fearing the past. i don't want to feel crazy and worthless anymore. i've worked so hard but it's never quite good enough. i don't know what to do, how to fix my broken brain, how to stop sabotaging relationships and friendships and opportunities. i just don't know what to do.

sorry for the not so happy rambling. i just really needed someone to talk to.

it's 2am...can i sleep now please?