This week has been another "me no planning" week. Monday night Chelle was texting me and asked if we could hang out on Tuesday. So after work on Tuesday I went to the condo she shares with Hey Pay and Pants and we ordered in Chinese food and watched The Spitfire Grill...and talked.
Tuesday I got a text from La-T inviting me to watch Daddy Longlegs with her and Arster on Wednesday. So last night was another girl's night with three different girls, eating cheesecake and swooning over Fred Astaire. "Mmm, you're a dandy!"
Tonight I thought I was going to hang out with The Artist because he had texted me Tuesday night wanting to do something this week. But miscommunication ensued and he made other plans before I decided I was tired of waiting for him or someone else to suggest something. So I ended up with nothing to do, and no one to do nothing with.
I don't do well these days when I'm left to myself. I get depressed and the anger over being alone bubbles to the surface. I know it's not good and I'm working on it...but I haven't quite figured out what to do with myself in those moments. Thankfully my parents said they were going to watch The Kid play in his first ever T-Ball game so I went along and hung out with Bliss, her hubby and Baby Boy while The Kid mostly played in the dirt. Silly kids.
There was still plenty of time when we got home so I read for a bit on the front porch swing. I'm severely distraught over the still chilling temperatures in this late May. I'm tired of being cooped up inside all the time, but it's just still too cold. So I didn't stay out for long. I ended up watching some Criminal Minds until I got a text from Pola saying they were coming over. She and Pants had gone to the gym and then to Zupa's and were on their way home but decided to stop in and rescue me from my loneliness. By that time I was actually feeling okay with being alone for the night, but it was a kind gesture and I appreciate their friendship and thoughtfulness.
I don't know how to explain what I'm going through right now. I don't know how to let people in on what's going on inside of me, so I don't know how to ask for the help I need. I wish I had some answers...really, I wish I had the right questions, then the answers might be easier to find. But for now, I'm just grateful for any little kindnesses or acts of friendship and love wherever they come from.
Guys make me feel safe. When I'm with The Artist or Fozzy or Gonzo (particularly Gonzo for whatever reason) I feel safe and calm and like I'm going to be okay after all. They know very little of my history or of my current predicament. I don't talk to anyone much about my struggles these days. But they are a support and a strength just by being around and letting me know they care.
Yes, guys are great and I am grateful for them...but girls are freakin amazing! I don't even have the words to say how extremely grateful I am to have such phenomenal women in my life. I have always had the best female friends. I wish I could list them all but I would inevitably leave off someone very important and I don't want to risk hurting feelings. So, to every woman who has ever cared anything for me at all, I thank you for your love, your kindness, your support, your example, and your spectacular influence in my life! I love and appreciate you more than I can say and I have been blessed to know you and to share life with you. Thank you ladies!
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