23 June 2011

adrift and untethered they wander

I have been feeling a little fractured recently.  For the last year or so I've had a pretty stable group of friends.  I've had groups of friends before, and I've had them disperse before.  This time, though, the dispersal is not really the same, and it's been kind of disconcerting for me.  A few people went one way, a few went another, all joining or formulating other groups.  I was kind of the hub, the organizer, the motivator of the group, now I'm, what?  I don't feel like I'm really part of any of the new groups.  I'm a drifter, sometimes invited, sometimes included...and sometimes forgotten or simply unwanted?  I'm still friends with my former group members individually, but I don't really have a place in any of their new social circles.  I try to fit in, feel comfortable, be myself, but I don't really go along with any of the new dynamics. 

I was just coming to terms with being a leader, now no one is following.  Other, more commanding leaders have pushed me aside.  I've never wanted to be a leader, so generally I'm okay with this.  However, I always tried to help everyone in the group feel wanted, included, cared about.  The new leaders are not that way.  Most of the time I feel tolerated at best, unwanted and excluded at worst. 

I don't really want a new group.  I don't want to make new friends.  I like the friends I have and generally I'm content with the one-on-one time I have with these friends.  I'm grateful for the friends who care enough about me to not neglect me or forget me, regardless of other friends and social groups they find.

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