When the anxiety gets overwhelming, I need to remind myself that if I just hold on another moment things will get better. I've been holding my breath, frustrated and panicked, incapable of talking myself out of the fear. But then, with one text message, my lungs deflate and my pulse slows. Another text reassures me that my fears have been for nothing.
I wish I hadn't been busy tonight. Book group was really great, and I've enjoyed all the time I've spent with the girls recently, but after a few more texts I realized that his request to watch a movie, may have been a request for his own reassurance of sorts. He's not good at asking outright for what he really needs. And my fears were still in control of my thought process so I figured others would be there too (others I don't particularly want to see at the moment). But I think it may have been just the two of us.
He said it was ok, that he needed to just chill and sleep tonight anyway, but I felt bad for not being there for him, for not understanding his request, and for allowing fear to hold me back from giving what was needed. I need to be better at that. I need to replace my fear with faith and love. I love him, but I've been so afraid of being replaced or of him just deciding to not want me or need me anymore, that I've been distracted and less aware of his needs and requests. I'm changing my attentions and awarenesses. He's not going anywhere. He wants my friendship and love. So I'm going to give it without fear or selfishness. And better things are sure to come along.
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