01 February 2013

we accept the love we think we deserve

the last couple of weeks have been really difficult for me...as you've probably noticed if you read my blog regularly.  i'm in another complicated relationship.  we've been going strong, seeing each other nearly every day since the middle of october...until last week.  life had left me lonely, wanting for friends and love.  i'd gone on some dates, but they were all the same and i was not interested in any.  then he came along and we were just going to be friends (even though that broke my no being friends with guys rule) because of his complicated situation.  i'm a sucker for a broken soul, i want to help and lift and love those who are bruised and broken and struggling, as he was.  he reached out to me in my despair as well,  we would have made great friends...except that pesky boy/girl issue crept in rather unexpectedly and attraction grew.

the funny thing is that i wasn't attracted to him.  he's not at all what i generally find attractive.  but there was something about his soul that drew me to him.  as i've gotten to know him i find myself more and more attracted. i should have known to run and hide.  men are no good for me, at least not the ones that find me attractive.  Will and The Artist are the only non-related men (besides the husbands of my best friends) that i should ever trust.  they love me and respect me and understand me.  i do wish they would do a little better job of protecting me, but i guess that's not really their responsibility. 

i am broken.  i have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, as well as ptsd.  on top of that i have a naturally over-sensitive soul, and chronic severe headaches and allergies, as well as insomnia.  the emotional and physical realms are stacked against me.  i have always been shy and lacking in self confidence.  teased and/or neglected by my peers in grade school, i spent a lot of time as a child and teenager alone and wishing for Prince Charming to come rescue me from myself.  well, Prince Charming never came, but Prince Skunkweasel did...among other equally as jerk faced men.  i learned over the years that i am worth nothing more to men than to be used and tossed aside.  i've been in and out of various types of therapy and even tried medication which made me more crazy and nearly pushed me to take my own life.

i don't want to be alone...i'm not strong enough to be in a relationship with the kind of guys that are attracted to me.  i don't want to be that kind of girl but i don't know how to be anything else.  i am a wretch and very nearly a whore...i don't want to be that anymore.  i give in because i don't want to be alone.  i want to be loved, truly, deeply, eternally loved, but that kind of love doesn't exist for me.  all i can find is a crass sort of consuming, demeaning "love" that leaves me feeling worthless and empty. this relationship sometimes makes me feel that way...but sometimes he makes me feel the way i want to feel: really, honestly, truly loved. i'm not sure what's true.

maybe it's the depression speaking.  it's been a rough couple of weeks and i feel...too much.  i'm raw and ragged and the old wounds are bursting open and festering again.  i can't find relief or solace.  i don't know where to turn or who to talk to so i curl into a shivering fetus, wrapping my arms around myself in a feeble attempt to hold all the pieces together.  where is the balm to soothe the ache?  where is the surgeon who can stitch me back together in a way that will keep me from falling apart again?  where is the courage and wisdom and confidence i lack?  how do i rescue myself...and stop hoping for Prince Charming?

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