everyday friend

i'm not the type of girl who believes friendship is a special occasion or desperate need situation.  i'm an everyday friend kind of person.  i'm here for the ins and outs, the boring and exciting, the darkness and the light.  i've almost always been that way.  (one exception was a little over a year ago when i was deeply depressed and anxious and taking medication...i wasn't the best friend to certain people and i am sorry about that...a few of them were not very understanding and not such a great friend to me, but i hope someday we can reconcile...i've tried but...).  anyway.  in a general, open and willing kind of way i always try to be an everyday friend.  in a more literal sense, however, there have been times in my life when i have had friends i saw and/or spoke to every single day for a period of time.  sometimes it's been one individual.  other times it has been a few or whole groups of people.  in my lonely and discouraged moments i miss them dearly.

Bestest Friend was my first.  once upon a time when we were teenagers and lived half a block from each other, we were everyday friends.  we saw each other for at least a few minutes nearly (if not) every day.  if we didn't see each other, we at least talked to each other.  i guess i could count Glenda, Lynnette, Jessica, and a few others from high school as everyday friends.  then when i was in college, my list of everyday friends grew exponentially.  Christa, Crystal, Malissa, Emily, Rachael, Paul, Scott, Jason, Paige, Katie, Omar, Andy, Jerry, Rob, Jon, Karen, Jimmy, Walt, Aaron, Ember, Missy, Jonathan...and the list went on and on.  i miss those days so much right now.  i know i should just be grateful for all the amazing people i've known and all the friendlies i have because i've been single so long...but i'm so tired of loving and losing and always ending up alone again. i am currently severely deficient in hugs and companionship.  it's not good for me to be alone so much, i get too caught up inside my head. i've tried so hard for so long to befriend my head but it just refuses to be kind.

that group disbanded, but i still had pieces, a few of them stuck around.  i had Ruthie and Bubba and the other ladies at Hancock Fabrics, then Courtney at Seagull Book.  i had the weasel...for quite a while he was one of my longest running and most involved everyday friends.  part of that was good...part really not so good because i'm still dealing with some of the mental and emotional abuse, but aside from that, it was good to have someone so consistently there when no one else was.  then i had Erin and Brian, then Weston...and the Cyprus CU crew, Erin and Todd in particular.

Brian continued (my longest running almost everyday friend...he's married now so i don't get to see him everyday anymore, i miss him), Heather, Niv, Rachelle, Cory, the Williams siblings (another couple of "friends" who turned out to be backstabbers, but i was very grateful for them at the time), Laurel, Amy, Cody, Jenn, Brett, and others who were nearly everyday friends.  Zak (referred to here as Will because he's the guy who has come closest to being my Will Tippin...Alias reference)...for a while we were everyday friends.  aside from Bestest Friend he has been the most dear and positively influential everyday friend i've ever had.  i miss him most of all. 

i have my Seagals (as Eraine calls us...though she got it from someone else)...Eraine, Myelle, Mary, Cassie, and Diane in particular...but hours are sparse right now so we don't really work together for more than 20 - 45 minutes, plus, we're at work so we have a lot to get done.

the most recent everyday friend-type person was Photo.  my intention at the beginning was friendship, then it rocketed into much more than friendship but due to some inconvenient and unfortunate circumstances we had to back up...and i lost another everyday friend.  i miss him too.  we still text most days, which is good and helpful, but it's not real conversation like it was, it's minimal.  i asked him to come over tonight because i haven't been settled with where we stand since he "broke up with me" (technically i had broken up with him about a month ago but last week or so he broke up with me).  he doesn't love me anymore (romantically speaking) because he's not available to love me...his intentions are good but it's never fun to hear that you're not loved anymore.  you wonder if it was ever love or if it was just physical infatuation.  after talking tonight i think i can work on convincing my heart that he meant it before, he's just trying to do the right thing.  he's plucked me out of his heart and thrown those feelings away...but we're trying for friends now.  i wish he could be my everyday friend.

i have a lot of friendly people in my life.  i still consider as friends almost everyone i've listed.  i would do anything for any of them at a moment's notice if they asked.  they have their own particular place in my heart.  every person i have ever cared about still has a place in my heart.  but people get busy and life takes them far and away and they don't have time or space from little old me.  they get married and have children (as is the way it's supposed to be) and they carry on with their lives...

i would like to move on too.  i would like to have a husband (then i would have an eternal everyday friend) but for reasons i can't imagine, he's just not out there for me.  maybe someday, but i can't really count on that.  so how do i stop needing and wanting an everyday friend?  the pool of available everyday friends is evaporating and the drought is setting in.  i need to find another job to take up my time and attention.  i need to make lots of money so i can move in with roommates...but they will just be more momentary everyday friends.  i'm tired of etching people in my heart just to have them turn around and leave.  i try to not think of it that way but i feel so abandoned these days so it's getting harder and harder to be grateful for what i had without feeling the intense void.

i'm trying.  i'm working on finding that job and figuring out how to be content on my own.  i've been working for years to fix what is broken inside of me so that i won't be so needy, so i won't need someone to be there every day just to give me a reason to get out of bed, to keep trying.  my life just feels so pointless.  i feel so lost and alone and it makes it really hard to keep going.  but i do.  and i always will.  so i'm hoping and looking for a new everyday friend.  send him/her my way if you know of someone else who is looking for an everyday friend like me.