18 June 2013

should i stay or should i go now?

this seems to be the question of my life right now. well, maybe not my whole life but a couple of fairly key areas. the bookstore, and a certain "friendship." in these two relationships i feel that i give all i have and get so very little in return. i'm really not a fan of one-sided situations. i'm not even treated as valued or appreciated. so why do i stay? why do i keep trying and wasting so much time and energy on people and things that stress me out and sadden my heart? i'm doing it again...i'm allowing my concern for another to negate my own needs and well being. they don't actually care about me, their only concern is their own priorities (which i am not even on the list). so why do i stay?

well, i'm staying at the bookstore because i love my coworkers and even though my new job at the museum is great and pays much better, it's still not enough to wittle away my student loans and credit card debt. i wish they could hire me on full time instead of part time. that would be perfect! but such a position is not currently available. maybe in a few months. i'm trying to convince myself that this is the open door i've been hoping and praying and searching for. i guess we'll see.

as for the other matter...i don't know what to do. i'm tired of always being the half of the relationship that cares more and puts forth the most effort. i'm about ready to just walk away from the whole thing. i feel so...unconsidered. i'm meaningless and neglected. that's the way of people these days though. they care more about themselves or things or whatever than they care about me.  no one has time for me...uninterrupted, undivided time and attention just for me. i guess i should get over it already. i hoped that being busier with working two jobs would help me forget, or at least push it away, but i only feel more lonely and invisible.  i guess maybe it is time for me to go away.

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