when words like rivers flow

recently i've been avoiding words and writing.  i haven't wanted to write from the emotions surrounding and permeating me so i just haven't written much.  i didn't want another sad or longing poem, another shattered or bitter or angst-ridden poem.  i'm tired of writing that.  i wanted hope and peace and love and forward motion.  until last night i couldn't find any of that.

i've been struggling with the way things ended...and didn't end, with Photo.  he was sort of the culmination of all the relationships i've had and i'm so tired of holding on to all of that.  i'm done thinking about the past.  i'm done being captivated by the past.  i'm done allowing my former relationships to dictate my future.  what is past is gone and done.  in some ways it has made me who i am (for better and for worse) but i'm done allowing the bad parts to continue tinging my future with negative energy.  i went to the temple today and while waiting for my turn i read in The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 12:46-47 "Therefore those things which were of old time, which were under the law, in me are all fulfilled. Old things are done away, and all things have become new." i'm starting new.  i'm giving it all to Him and i'm starting fresh from here.  i'm grateful for the Atonement which allows me to become new when i make that decision. i don't know what took me so long but i'm glad i'm finally connecting the dots and moving forward.

Photo hasn't been around much recently and it has been a source of anxiety, not because i want him around or gone, simply because his half existence in my life left me teetering and uncertain of what to think or feel.  finally something in me could feel the end coming and i began to grieve before i realized what i was doing.  the last week was the quickest i've ever worked through the grieving process.  it started last wednesday with a little bit of denial, moved quickly to anger (spending most of my time there), then bargaining and depression, finally ending in acceptance through poetry and an email written on tuesday and wednesday nights.  tuesday i wrote the following poem (it's not the best, but it sort of sums up some of my feelings):

broken hearts

i volunteered to break my heart

so yours could heal

what's the necessity of something

for something for nothing?

i thought it was more tenacious

after all, don't they say what's broken

grows back stronger? 

and God knows

my heart should be steel by now.

i let you in too deep.

knowing from the start 

it wouldn't last, never 

expecting the end to be

so abrupt, so careless, so senseless.

i wasn't done loving you better.

your beginning, so intense, wanting

all of me too soon, too much

i should have known how the

fastest, hottest flames burn out

too effortlessly.

now i'm still trying to extricate you from

my raw, too feeling heart.

and you've not only cast me out

like i never existed in your heart

you've grasped a new hope

in both hands, habitually swiftly

but this time...i won't be there to

break myself for your pieces again.

last night Will and i went to a coffee shop called Alchemy to perform for their open mic night.  he's good at getting up in front of people, playing his music and singing his songs.  i've read my poetry in front of people only a few times and it was always in classes or among my writing peers so i was pretty nervous.  i didn't take any poems with me because it was a busy day and i didn't have a chance to grab anything before i left the house.  i need to start carrying some around in my car or something i guess.  when we got there and the list was almost full i hoped they wouldn't have time for me.  i was last and wanted to chicken out.  but Will wouldn't let me; he has been the greatest encouragement for my poetry and he insisted i read something. so i wrote a poem while i sat there with him, listening to everyone else.  this is the poem i wrote and read.

write you away

can i write you away?

send you from me in letters

addressed to no one and nowhere.

see you fade in words and

sentences on old parchment.

can i write you away?

describe your every detail

with such precision depiction

forms you into a page i can

tear in tiny pieces and blow

you into the surge, away.

can i write you away?

and with your face and hands

and over-strong arms can i

send all the cracks my heart

has collected, not only yours

can i write you away?

with every unforgiven stain still

tainting my should-be flawless

composition; erase to make room

i thought space lacked margins

but new words won't come until

i can write you away

actually, i kind of wrote one and a half poems last night because we wrote one together too.

every other line, his and mine

a hundred miles in space

isn't all that far away

but when my dog has gone grey

and the stars drop from their place

it's enough to break my heart

running away isn't easy as you think

your baggage always seems to grow

rivers and rocks reveal pond scum

and your friends have gone home

no heart wants to run away alone

we're closer to understanding cold fusion

the cold has fused my hand in yours

though your heart has died to free you

you'll never reach that universal shore

so i'll stay and give you heart more

i feel like it might need another stanza or some general tweaking, but it's interesting.  i'm so grateful for Will and for the timing of last night.  he has the most amazing influence on my creativity.  he knows me and loves me and accepts me as i am.  he has always been direct and honest with me, so he is the one man i completely trust.  he encourages me to pursue my writing and he has become the standard of a good man in my life.  i realized today that until i find another man who makes me think and feel the way Will does i won't be placing my heart in anyone elses's hands.  that is the test for my future relationships.  if he doesn't permeate my whole being with goodness, he's not the one for me.

i'm grateful for words.  i'm grateful for lessons learned and for the constant opportunity to change the way i see the world and to move forward in a better direction.  i'm grateful for Photo because from him i learned to be cautious, give information slowly and sparingly until trust has been earned and proven, and to let go when it's over.  all my life i have wanted to hold tight to any person who comes within my sphere of existence.  if i let them into my heart i don't want them to ever leave.  i almost never walk away from people i care about, but it's time i start letting go when they do.  now i'm free to write what i want to write, to pursue hope and peace and, with any luck, finally find the love of my life.  if not in body, perhaps at least in word.

they DO exist!

i hung out with The Artist and D-Ham last night and tonight and i'm feeling much better about life. what dear, kind, wonderful men they are. the more i get to know D-Ham, the more i see what a decent man he is. i sometimes feel that care and protection when i'm with him, i feel safe and accepted. it's the same with The Artist and Will. i know i'm in good hands when i'm with them. i can be myself, whatever my true self is in that moment and i know they'll still like me and want to be with me. they are the very few men i actually do trust. i'm grateful for them this week because my faith in the goodness and reliability of man has taken a severe beating. i'm not grouchy anymore.

i'm sad that things couldn't have gone very differently with the other guy i've written about this week. he just makes me feel depressed,  irritated, agitated, and stressed. i guess that's my intuition telling me to let go. i made a mistake and i really hope i can avoid making the same mistake again. the answer is not to cut out all men from my life, it's to be more selective and really listen to my intuition. if i'm irritated, depressed, or in any way feel distressed about him, i need to just walk away, be it friendship or more. it felt ok for a while, then it went very wrong and i should have let go sooner. i'm not good at walking away from people i care about. i will always care. but he clearly doesn't care about me so i'm walking away.

ok, enough. i've gone over this enough. i look forward to seeing Will this week sometime. and, he's convinced me to read some poetry at an open mic night in a couple weeks. i need a new poem or two.  maybe after hanging out with him this week i'll be inspired. he is the greatest creative influence i've ever experienced in my life and i've missed him.

things are getting better. i'm stripping my life of the influences that bring me down and i'm trying to find more that lift me up. i have great friends and ample opportunities. i even have a couple days off this coming week so i'll be able to finish decompressing and actually do some of the things i haven't had time for recently. i'm gonna be ok.

we regret to inform you

ok, i vented, and that was probably the wrong thing to do.  what i really want is a conversation.  i don't want to be angry or hurt, i want to be mature and communicative and kind.  i want a little time to acclimate to the way things are now. he won't give me a conversation. he won't give me time.  he won't give me courtesy.  he won't give me anything except a text or two once in a while and it's not enough for a legitimate friendship, not after what we've been through...i deserve more than that.  but it seems i won't be getting anything more than a text now and then with empty promises and vague half-commitments.  i don't want texts like that. silence is better than that kind of disappointment. i don’t know if he thinks he’s doing me a favor by texting this way or if he legitimately thinks this constitutes a friendship, but i can’t have an almost-friendship like this.  it hurts and depresses me when he says he’s coming around and then bales at the last minute.  it hurts even more when he says we should get together soon because it’s been too long, like i’m the one who is always unavailable. i have been supportive and inviting and patient.  i’ve tried to be forgiving. every time i get a text from him my heart aches because i can't help but hope he is going to live up to his word and decide to be a friend, but almost every time he has some excuse to not be there.  i wish him luck and happiness, and if he would stop saying he's coming around i'd be fine with minimal communication through text or email.  if he would decide to make the time to come when he says he's going to, that would be fine too.  but this wishy-washy might-maybe-may is just intolerable. make a decision. if you're coming, say you're coming and come. if you're not coming or not sure, don't say you might, just don't say anything.  that way it's a pleasant surprise if you show up, but no disappointment if you don't.  the way things are now he is inconsiderate and unreliable and i don't need people like that in my life.  i don't know if he reads my blog.  maybe i should just email this to him and say, this is how i feel, please be kind.  i don't know.  i never really know what to do when people won't listen and understand and communicate effectively.  i do know it needs to change.

forgiveness & gratitude

they say that's the solution. i must be making it more difficult than it needs to be, i usually do. it just sounds so simple...just forgive and forget. focus on the positive. it sounds simple but it isn't. i've been seeking to make forgiveness an instinctive part of me for half a lifetime and i'm still so lost. i'm going crazy with ache and holding on. i'm going crazy with fear and doubt, distrust. i want to believe that people are generally good, that love is possible and real, not just a fairy tale. i want to believe friendship is not fleeting, and family is more than blood. i don't want the knot in my chest, the panic and pain. i want peace, love, freedom. i don't know how. i don't know how.

every rose has its thorns

♫ when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong... ♫

i'm there. again. i don't understand. i give love but all i get in return is a slap in the face and tossed carelessly aside. i'm worth nothing more than that. i'm weak and luckless.  all that loving brings to me is heartache and loss. it's as though i never existed, he's forgotten me completely, they all have. once the need is filled, the crack repaired, the itch scratched, i'm pushed away and forgotten. i wish i could be so unfeeling, so discarding. well, ok, i'm beat. i give up. the only sure fire way to avoid being mistreated again is to never let anyone in again. i'm tired of hurting because i care about careless people. i'm tired of the thornes, the roses aren't worth it.

a new chapter

tomorrow is my last day working at Seagull Book.  it's bitter-sweet.  i'll miss the friends i've made there.  i'll miss seeing them and talking with them.  we have really had some fun working together and the thought of not seeing them multiple times a week makes me sad.  i won't miss the stress or the feeling of running in five different directions at once.  i won't miss wearing myself out for pennies an hour.  i'll miss the artwork and some of the books.  i'll miss seeing the new product and every once in a while getting free CDs and books.  i'll miss some of my regular customers such as Ethel and Patty-o-furnature who know me by name.  i won't miss the grouchy, demanding, entitled, ego-centric, needy, and generally unpleasant customers.  mostly i'll miss my coworkers but i am grateful that i am good enough friends with them that i hope we will stay in contact over facebook and text messages if not regular face to face interaction.  the store is between my home and my new job so it won't take much to stop in for a visit sometimes. 

i really enjoy my new job.  they treat me like i've been there all along.  they trust me to accomplish my tasks and treat me like an adult of worth and consequence.  the environment is positive and encouraging.  the pay is more than i've ever made in any job i've ever had.  my coworkers are kind and wonderful.  they are easy-going and enjoyable to work with.  i even enjoy working on my own, which i have done quite a lot of in the last month and a half.  i'm learning about artwork and church history.  i'm learning about all sorts of things and i'm eager to learn more.  i guess it would be nice if the position was full-time with benefits, but for the moment i am content with what i have.  i feel like this is the right place for me at this time so i'm trusting that i'm in the Lord's hands and He will take care of my needs as they come. 

it's much easier for me to trust my employment and health in the hands of Heaven than it is for me to trust them with my heart and romantic relationships.  i wish i could find the faith to believe with hope, confidence, and patience that the love of my life exists out there somewhere.  the older i get and the more failed relationships i must recover from, the more my hope in a future positive relationship diminishes.  how do i just release myself into the care of those kind and generous Heavenly hands and trust their timing in this aspect of my life?  i need to figure that out so i can stop focusing so much of my energy and brain power on pining over my deepest desire and just live the life i have in faith and joy.  my lack too often overshadows all the good in my life.  i want to be happy and the only thing that's really standing in the way of that is having a stable and healthy loving and affectionate and mutually respectful relationship with a man who is committed to me and i to him.  if that's the only thing really keeping me from happiness, i really need to find a way to push that one aspect aside for now and just love my life.  i did that pretty well for a while a couple different times in my life.  for a year and a half before the weasel i was generally quite content having fun with my incredible group of friends.  then again a couple years ago, after Bobpi and before the ward split, i was quite content with my group of friends. 

companionship, consistent and stable, is the factor that brings the most satisfaction to my life.  i can't be truly happy alone and i don't want to even try to be happy alone.  humans are by nature social beings, we thrive the most when we are surrounded by people who love us and whose company we most enjoy.  my current social situation is not ideal.  i need to find a way to improve that part of my life so i can be happy.  i wish my happiness was based in something other than companionship as that variable is dependent on other people and i, therefore, can not fulfill my need on my own.  i want to be self reliant and self sustaining...but how can i do that when i need people?  grr.

oh, i didn't intend this post to be a rant or a vent.  it's the middle of the night and i probably should be sleeping instead of blogging.  i lose too much inhibition when i'm half asleep and i complain and ramble too much.  oops!  thanks for listening.  if you have any insight or suggestions, please feel free to comment. :)

naught but my bones

The Well of Grief

By David Whyte

Those who will not slip beneath

     the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water

     to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,

     the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering

     the small round coins

        thrown by those who wished for something else.

 – From Where Many Rivers Meet

my words are missing. my passion is missing.  and so i borrow words from others who are more at one and transcendent with art and life and pure emotion.  i have been there...not recently...but enough to know it's inside me, or i am inside it...

i still feel at the words of others so i know my words are not too far from where i am.  

right now i'm off center.  i'm treading the water unsure if i'm going toward the surface or rock bottom.  maybe neither.  perhaps i'm sinking sideways...or rising...

my decision was made before i consciously realized.  i don't know if it's the right thing but it's done now and i can't take it back.  i don't really have any desire to take it back.  i know by how i feel that i can't be there anymore.  i can't hold my tongue or paste my face with a smile or force myself to do what they want me to do but i don't believe in doing.  they would never fire me, and i wouldn't want that on my record anyway.  they used me too much to ever ask me to leave, though they never expressed respect or value.  i was a tool, a lackey, a pawn.  i won't miss the work or the exhaustion or the aching in my bones.  i will miss the people and the art.  it's not fun for me anymore.  i don't want this to be what my life is about.  my manager said she wished i'd apply for the manager in training program but i don't want to manage that.  i'd simply be a pawn with more responsibility and more frustration and stress.  i don't want that.  i don't believe in the company anymore.  

so i leave and delve into a similar yet vastly different chapter of my story.  my greatest hope is that once i am free of the shackles of what is wrong for me, and more fully immersed in what seems right at the moment, i will find a door open to the life for which i truly ache.  

i'm doing my best, which never seems quite good enough.  but hopefully someday it will be enough.  

perhaps i should get rid of my car.  it's a piece of junk and it keeps breaking in the stupidest and most expensive ways.  but i'm too dependent on my car.  i need a car.  i just really wish it would stop costing so much.  just when i think i'm finally getting on top of things, something else breaks and i'm swamped again.

i want to cry from exhaustion and heartbreak and fear.  grief, that deep grief spoken of in the poem is washing me away and i don't know how to stop it.  so i let it flood.  it is part of the cleansing, part of the healing, part of the transformation i desperately need right now.  i don't want to be me anymore.  not the me that i've become.  i want to be some other me, the future me i haven't met yet.  i need her strength and faith and confidence.  i need her assurance that things are going to get better and i won't be stuck in this me forever.  i don't like the me i am right now.  she's not someone i ever wanted to be...but it seems that she is somehow necessary to that me i will be.  this me is tired and aching all the time; she's antisocial and grouchy; she's scarred and surviving.  i expect more than that from her but she has very little to offer right now.  i'm worn and weary through the bones.  i want to go home.

♫ and i will always love you ♫

Will is on my mind. we had lunch today and as always, it was nice to share some time, but it wasn't long enough. we used to spend hours together, we used to be tight, now we're maybe an hour once a month. i miss him. i miss the way we were. he inspired my creativity and encouraged my writing. he listened and heard and saw me. i never gave enough to him though. i still haven't figured out how to give to him. i almost always give more than i ever receive, but with Will, i'm afraid i'll never know how to even the plain. i could love him so well but he doesn't want my love (friendly or otherwise) so much these days. so i'll give my thoughts and prayers, support and silent love as much as i can. maybe someday it'll make a difference.