Content to Wander

What do you want to be when you grow up?

From my earliest memories, this question held one definitive answer for me.  A wife and a mother.  I was born with compassion, intuition, and an innate ability to nurture.  I had no doubt that I would be married  in my early 20s and raising a brood of fun-loving, creative, civilized, artistic, well-educated children for the majority of my life.  As you know, that's not at all what happened.

Instead of meeting the love of my life when I was five, growing up next door to each other, marrying when he returned from his mission, having 10 children and living happily ever after, I find myself single and pursuing a very different course through life.  Sometimes I think I'm only dreaming; like I'll awaken any moment and find I'm only 13 years old with my whole life ahead of me.  Or I'll roll over in bed and find that ever elusive love of my life lying there beside me, our crazy kids running in to pounce and kiss us awake.

But every morning I wake to the same solitary situation.  Until recently I thought that because my life doesn't look anything like I planned I must have taken a wrong turn, messed things up somehow somewhere along the way.  Maybe I should have gone to a different college; USU instead of SLCC, the U of U instead of Weber, skipped SUU altogether...or put more determination and heart into staying despite everything.  Maybe I should have been more courageous, figured out a different dream or goal, researched careers better, chosen a different major, different employment, different everything.

But, as I've submerged myself in nostalgia over the last couple of weeks, retracing the steps that brought me to where I am, I don't see "detour" or "do not enter" or "wrong way" road signs.  I have made some mistakes, but the major decisions were guided and correct.  For all I know the mistakes were part of the plan too.

On Sunday, while making small talk with a girl in my ward, the question, "what do you do?" came up, as it often does. My response, "I work at the CH Museum." Somewhat intrigued Stephanie then asked the usual follow-up, "what do you do there?" Brightly I say, "I work in the store."  Slightly crestfallen, but doing her best to cover, "Is that where you see yourself always working?"  Or something like that; I can't remember her exact words.  I haven't had that response before.  It caught me but I paused for only a moment.  "I don't really know.  I'll stay until it feels right to leave."  Then I explained about my initial ambition and my inability to predict my path or decide my progression more than a step at a time.  This feels right, nothing else does, so this is what I do.  I was prepared for her to scoff at the way I live my life, but again she surprised me by saying, "I wish I had that kind of faith."  What?  Faith?  I've just been wandering around, most of the time feeling lost and generally disappointed in my inability to climb the socially enforced ladders.

This conversation gave me a new perspective, the perspective I've been struggling for years to find.

I am where I need to be for now and when this is no longer the right place, the next place will become apparent.  All the schools, jobs, living situations, wards at church, etc. have been where I needed to be.  The friends, coworkers, teachers, wardies, and many of the acquaintances I've known and interacted with have been who I needed to know and interact with.  And the timing of each has always been specific.  My prayers are being answered.

I have been wandering, but those wanderings have not been as aimless as they seem.  Maybe someday I'll settle into a career, or finally have that family of my dreams.  But until then, I am content to wander.


I guess this explains why all of my favorite hymns have a common theme: faith to follow and trust in the Lord.

Lead, Kindly Light
Be Still, My Soul
How Firm a Foundation
I Need Thee Every Hour
Nearer, My God, To Thee
Master, the Tempest is Raging
I Know That My Redeemer Lives
I Stand All Amazed
How Great Thou Art