still searching

for as long as i can remember i have felt like someone is missing from my life.  a particular friend, a person with specific qualities and a degree of compassion and understanding that can just encompass me so entirely that i never feel hesitant to be myself.  i've come close a few times...but as i sit here, insomnia in full force and too many thoughts swirling around my brain, i wish i knew how to reach that person.  i need a friend to talk to about a specific confusion that i can't seem to sort out.  Bestest Friend doesn't have time...and she's too bias on the subject. i get defensive and disappointed when i try to talk to her.  i need some undivided attention and an indeterminate amount of time, neither of which she is able to give.  Will was really good at both for quite a while, and he's not bias, but he's in another state and i can't talk about this over the phone.  i talk to God, but i'm having trouble hearing any response...or even feeling like He's listening.  that's the main source of my discouragement right now...i feel like no one is listening, no one is hearing.  i need someone to see me because i feel so invisible.  i need someone to give what no one seems to have.  i just need some time, some attention, some understanding, some advice.  but who can give me what i seek?  most of the people i've talked to in the past are married and have children who take up all their time and attention.  they forget what it's like to be single and alone and in need of someone to just be there, focused and attentive.

Bestest Friend tried to get me to talk about it at intermission at her daughter's dance recital the other night.  then, when there were too many distractions for a conversation, she told me to call her.  two strikes and now i don't want to even try talking to her at all.  she knows me better than that.  she knows i can't talk about something so important over the phone or when she's distracted...maybe she doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation.  she doesn't understand...how could she not understand?  now i need a friend to talk me through two specific confusions and i can't talk to her because she is one of those confusions.  she's let me down when i need her most.  i'll forgive her, i always forgive her because she has forgiven me so much.  but right now it just hurts.  and i'm searching...always searching...

thank you, dear void, for listening when no one else will.