07 April 2015

dear void

It's been a while. Sorry, I've been neglectful. Life has been vast...I'm writing this on my phone with the auto text, when I meant to say crazy, it came up with vast.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vast: very great in size, amount, degree, intensity, or especially in extent or range. I suppose that fits. Life has been vast, at least from my perspective. People outside would disagree. They see only snippets and tidbits but from the inside the last 6 months to a year of my life feels immense, monumental, tremendous, walloping, and overwhelming. Things have happened and I've made choices and my perspective and faith and personal truth have been tested and stretched and altered. Things I thought I knew have been challenged and changed. Things I thought were important seem less so, or more so now. I have allowed myself to follow a process that to some...maybe to most...would seem unadvisable. I've made mistakes and given in to doubts and fears more than I should have. I've hidden away too much, perhaps.

For the most part I really like where I am right now. I love my job at the museum and I like my job at the library well enough. I'm generally content with the few constant friends and I've settled into a near contentment with the loneliness and disappointment of being single despite my best efforts. I've come to terms (or am coming to terms) with some ghosts from my past and the depressing and anxiety have been less prevalent. I'm finding it a bit tricky to accept certain disappointments without losing hope entirely, but I'm making progress in that as well.

There are two things that need to change, but I cannot see the way. I wish I had someone to talk to who would really listen to understand, without judgement or disappointment or bias, and help me see what I cannot make clear. Perhaps it isn't time. Maybe eternal patience is required in this matter. Maybe there will never be closure or reconciliation or total enlightenment. Perhaps it will be forever unresolved. How do I accept that and move forward despite the constant uncertainty?

I'm feeling low and alone today. My thoughts needed air and space and refused containment. I guess I'm hoping the void will swallow some of my discontent and leave me lighter and more able to make it through the vast day. So...

Thank you, once again, dear void.

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