28 November 2014

lean on me, when you're not strong...

life caves in on me sometimes
everything starts to hurt too much
i get too buried in all the rubble
the way out obstructs my view
i need someone on the outside
close enough to see what I can not
to help clear the path, guide me out
you know something no one else knows
so this time the guide has to be you
this is all I ever ask from others
the one thing I cannot do for myself

i'm in the dark place. that's what i call it when i feel so overwhelmed that i can't see clearly. i know what will help the most but i have a really hard time asking. when i am my enemy i can't do it alone. i need someone else to show me the way. but what if no one is there? what if the person i need the most is too busy or too far away? i ask someone else, someone who has been there and has claimed to care...but then ends up being a selfish jerk when all i need is a little compassion and understanding; someone to listen and tell me i'm still ok and worthwhile. i forget he's not Will.  they're so similar in so many ways that i forget i can't rely on him when i need someone the most.  i miss Will with my whole everything. he's the one man in all the world (that i've come across anyway) who has seen my dark place and my scars and my fears and my wreckage and didn't walk away or treat me the way i felt. he accepted me, stuck by me, cared for me, guided me, and always gave so much more than he ever received.  he's still around, but lives too far away now.  he can't sit with me, write with me, play his guitar for me, hug me, and without even one word, remind me that i matter and that i'm not alone in the world. bestest friend is too busy and preoccupied with a 4 year old and a newborn. Chelle lives too far away and doesn't answer her phone 90% the time.  they are the people i feel most comfortable talking to, they are the ones who have listened, they are the ones who have pulled me from the rubble in the past.  i don't know what to do.  i'm in deep this time, too deep for anyone to see or hear or reach me.  

you can't tell to look at me. i put on a smile and say everything is fine...or i go silent so i won't bring people down or burden them. but i hurt inside; my everything hurts all the time these days. i am anxious and tense all the time. i try to cope alone. i try to take care of myself. i know my happiness is dependent on myself and not on someone else...but there are moments, like this one, when i just can't do it alone. how do i explain this so those who haven't been here can understand? i'm not asking them to be my leg, i'm asking them to hold my hand, help me balance for a second while i figure out how to regain my footing. i am not dependent on them for my whole life, i'm asking only for one breath.  i have been there for them on countless occasions.  i am usually willing and eager to be there when someone else is in need. is there a way to make them understand? i'm not asking for them to bring me the moon, just remind me that it still shines every night, even when i can't see it. because right now, in this moment, i can't see it.

if you read this, please just send up a prayer for me, or say something nice and encouraging...that's all i really need, just some kindness, some faith (because mine is weak at the moment) and nice words. 


p.s. i will find the way back into the light. i had a pretty good month in October...once the museum was closed and that stress was over. i had a couple of pretty great weeks actually...until i started my new job and lost my footing again. i'm trying really hard not to hate it, but i kind of do. my eyes and my shoulders aren't adjusting well...and i feel more inept than i've felt at any other job ever.  and i miss the museum. i miss having people who care about me and who are always excited to see me when i get to work. i miss feeling necessary and wanted.  money isn't worth this...but i need it. i'm just not sure it's worth losing my sanity over. i'm grateful that i have employment, and that i am making more money and will have medical and dental insurance in a couple months (if i last that long). but i hate feeling this way and i can't figure out how to change it. i'm stuck in the dark and can't find the switch. sigh. anyway, i do know it's not as dark as it seemed today.  and i'm trying to find the hope that things will get better. it's just not very easy to feel that way right now.  but i'm trying.

oh! and my dear Will friend is coming for a visit at Christmas, so there's something to look forward to.

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