Today has been an interesting day. Waking, as I usually do, wishing only to burrow in and drift off again. But the squawking bird in the tree outside my window made further sleep impossible. So I prayed, as I do most mornings, "please help me" and crawled over and off the bed. In the shower, Primary songs filled my head. I got ready, went to church, sat through a committee meeting then into the chapel. Instead of finding an empty bench, I sat next to a girl I've talked to two or three times. Her name is Stephanie but I always want to call her Heather. Whatever, not important. We chatted until her friend, then my friends arrived. The meeting commenced as usual. The first talk was given by a man I became loosely acquainted with about 11 years ago. I love when he speaks because music is his life and passion. He talked about the great power music has to invite the Holy Ghost and encourage personal revelation. As he bore testimony, the Spirit wrapped around me and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the truthfulness of the gospel.
About a month ago as I drove to work, my insides were all tight and angry and bitter. When I got to work I paused in my car and had a little chat with God. I'm tired of being all tied up in angry bitter knots. Something's gotta change and I need your help. I reorganized the priorities in my head and decided I need to go to the temple once a week, really study the scriptures every day instead of just passively listening or glancing over a few verses before bed, and I need to consciously keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ at the forefront of my thoughts. And...I need to forgive. I've been working on forgiveness for decades, it seems, and I just couldn't quite internalize the concept. I thought I had forgiven everyone, but my anger said otherwise. So I prayed and went to the temple, even when I didn't feel like going. And at the temple, I added certain names to the list of people for patrons to pray for.
As you know from the previous post, a certain long-ago friend was pretty constantly on my mind over the last few weeks, so his name was top in my prayers. I found the forgiveness and I found the beginnings of a peace for which I've been searching most of my life. But it still wasn't quite enough.
Today, as I sat, surrounded by the Spirit, listening to the roommate of that long-ago friend speak about the incredible influence of music, I made a decision to write a note and ask said roommate to deliver it. I don't think we've ever actually said two words to each other, but I decided that if it was meant to be, the opportunity would present itself. After the meeting, as I walked into the lobby (half expecting the long-ago friend to be there, by the way I've been feeling) I spotted instead his other roommate, who is a friendly of mine. So I talked with him for a moment and gave him the note to pass on.
I don't know what the purpose is, if it's for me to express my peace and well wishes, or if it's somehow for him. I don't know. I may never know. But it felt like the right thing to do.
I've never experienced forgiveness in quite this way before. When people described it as a weight lifted, I couldn't fathom ever feeling that light...but I do. And I feel love. Where all the bitterness and hurt and fear and anger have been festering for so long, now all I feel is love and a hope that his life is good and happy.
Crazy feeling! Great feeling! Unbelievable, and yet true feeling! I hope this feeling sticks around. I'm really not the type to hold a grudge. This was an exception that I think is more about taking time to work through some major layered challenges and less about anything it seemed to be about. I'm stronger, better, and more stable than I've ever been, and this is proof.
It's about time! That's all I can say.
18 May 2014
17 May 2014
forgiving
Dear friend,
The details are hazy now, it's been a couple weeks. I don't remember if it was a line in a song or a poem, a scene in a movie, a drive through an intersection, or maybe it wasn't anything specific. All I know is that you've been almost constantly on my mind for over a week...maybe two. Usually, when my thoughts are so entirely infused with another person, I send a text or some sort of message and ask if we can get together or chat. Part of me has been searching for you in every face that passes by because it used to be that when I felt the way I do, you appeared out of nowhere in a matter of hours. But you haven't even invaded my dreams. I thought about sending a letter or email or postcard or something, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me...and Bestest Friend said I shouldn't contact you. My judgement was always blurred where you were concerned, so I'm going with her on this one. But writing in a notebook words I'll never send to you isn't writing you away as it should. So maybe if I put the words here, send them into the void in which I used to write you away, maybe that will be enough.
I wish we could go back in time...10 years ago this month, next month, July. I wish I could make a different decision. I didn't know how influential that decision would be.
One moment, one action, one middle of the night...I lost a dear friend and ten years of my life. I miss that friend, a lot sometimes. I wish we could go for a drive or a walk and just talk for a while. But I wrote you away five years ago and he'd been gone five years before that. Sometimes I wish time erased history so we could just delete the last 10 years and pick up a moment before, make different decisions and continue on in the alternate universe where we were always only friends.
But then, maybe that universe wouldn't have lasted much longer either.
Somehow, what happened between us was part of our learning process...at least part of mine, I don't have a clue how it affected you...if it affected you. I have learned volumes about myself, about other people, about friendship, about relationships, about life, and about God. I have learned about hate, fear, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame...but also hope, faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness.
I finally feel forgiveness. I forgive you. I forgive God. I forgive myself. And I feel forgiven.
The last communication you received directly from me called you a villain. Our relationship destroyed so much of who I was. I thought it was maliciousness on your part, but I don't think that anymore. I don't know your motives. I don't know if you know your motives. I thought I was motivated by love; that may be somewhat true, but too much need and desperation were mixed in too. I was full of holes before you came along and I tried to fill them with you. But as you filled some, you created others. The thing I'm finally realizing is that the me I was needed to be torn apart so I could become the me I want to be. Why that job was yours, I may never know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, more aware of what we were doing to each other sooner. I'm sorry I let things go too far, too long, too deep. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, and that I needed more friendship than you could give.
Thank you for trying, because I think you did. Thank you for pulling me apart, exposing my weakness, and going away when I couldn't handle anymore.
Maybe someday we'll find each other in another alternate universe and we can go for a walk or a drive and talk about everything...or nothing...sometimes I miss just being with you. I'd like to think you sometimes miss me too...but I doubt you've even thought of me in the last five years. That's okay. If, by chance, you do think of me, stumble into my void and read this, just know...it's okay, we're okay. At least on my end.
The details are hazy now, it's been a couple weeks. I don't remember if it was a line in a song or a poem, a scene in a movie, a drive through an intersection, or maybe it wasn't anything specific. All I know is that you've been almost constantly on my mind for over a week...maybe two. Usually, when my thoughts are so entirely infused with another person, I send a text or some sort of message and ask if we can get together or chat. Part of me has been searching for you in every face that passes by because it used to be that when I felt the way I do, you appeared out of nowhere in a matter of hours. But you haven't even invaded my dreams. I thought about sending a letter or email or postcard or something, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me...and Bestest Friend said I shouldn't contact you. My judgement was always blurred where you were concerned, so I'm going with her on this one. But writing in a notebook words I'll never send to you isn't writing you away as it should. So maybe if I put the words here, send them into the void in which I used to write you away, maybe that will be enough.
I wish we could go back in time...10 years ago this month, next month, July. I wish I could make a different decision. I didn't know how influential that decision would be.
One moment, one action, one middle of the night...I lost a dear friend and ten years of my life. I miss that friend, a lot sometimes. I wish we could go for a drive or a walk and just talk for a while. But I wrote you away five years ago and he'd been gone five years before that. Sometimes I wish time erased history so we could just delete the last 10 years and pick up a moment before, make different decisions and continue on in the alternate universe where we were always only friends.
But then, maybe that universe wouldn't have lasted much longer either.
Somehow, what happened between us was part of our learning process...at least part of mine, I don't have a clue how it affected you...if it affected you. I have learned volumes about myself, about other people, about friendship, about relationships, about life, and about God. I have learned about hate, fear, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame...but also hope, faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness.
I finally feel forgiveness. I forgive you. I forgive God. I forgive myself. And I feel forgiven.
The last communication you received directly from me called you a villain. Our relationship destroyed so much of who I was. I thought it was maliciousness on your part, but I don't think that anymore. I don't know your motives. I don't know if you know your motives. I thought I was motivated by love; that may be somewhat true, but too much need and desperation were mixed in too. I was full of holes before you came along and I tried to fill them with you. But as you filled some, you created others. The thing I'm finally realizing is that the me I was needed to be torn apart so I could become the me I want to be. Why that job was yours, I may never know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, more aware of what we were doing to each other sooner. I'm sorry I let things go too far, too long, too deep. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, and that I needed more friendship than you could give.
Thank you for trying, because I think you did. Thank you for pulling me apart, exposing my weakness, and going away when I couldn't handle anymore.
Maybe someday we'll find each other in another alternate universe and we can go for a walk or a drive and talk about everything...or nothing...sometimes I miss just being with you. I'd like to think you sometimes miss me too...but I doubt you've even thought of me in the last five years. That's okay. If, by chance, you do think of me, stumble into my void and read this, just know...it's okay, we're okay. At least on my end.
12 November 2013
words...ridiculously sentimental words...
i wrote a letter with (i'm sure) too much sentiment. then i let all my stupid, sentimental words spill all over facebook. now i feel like a complete fool. i'm embarrassed and irritated with myself. i really need to stop flooding everywhere. i don't even know why i do it. i just have too much inside of me and i can't seem to find enough places to put it. i don't want to burden people directly, but i can't carry it all myself. so i send it into the void and hope maybe i'll get a prayer or something. and maybe my struggles will help someone else somehow...if nothing else, you can be grateful you're not a basket case like me. you can be grateful you're not single anymore. being single in a world of married people really isn't great. watching people with their significant companion and their adorable children wrenches my heart. i miss my married friends, i love them and i am so happy for their happiness, but i don't fit in with them and it hurts so much. i don't know how to be around them. i don't know how to set up a "play date" when i have no children to contribute. maybe i could borrow a niece and/or nephew...i've always felt so out of place anyway, but now i feel like a complete alien so much of the time. except with the few single friends i still have...particularly Will, but now he's gone. i know, i need to get over it already. i'm sorry i'm such a mess. i'm sorry i didn't make better choices so i could be in a better place. i did what i thought was right at the time and now i'm just not sure what to do. i wish i could have just one more long embrace. i wish i could have just one more moment. or i wish i could find someone new who makes me feel like home.
i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words. i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace. i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person. i just want to stop being me, just for a little while. i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.
i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words. i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace. i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person. i just want to stop being me, just for a little while. i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.
11 November 2013
loss is no disaster
One Art
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
~ Elizabeth Bishop
this poem has been on my mind recently. i'm trying to convince myself that my life is not a disaster, though it does feel that way. i lose too much, too many, but it isn't a disaster, right? it's just life. life is loss...and gain. i can't lose something if i don't have it in the first place.
Marilyn Monroe said, "Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together." if i really look back in my life i can see how good things have filled in the space where other things have fallen apart.
i'm struggling right now. it's less that "things" are falling apart and more that i am. i wonder if the day will ever come when i don't fall apart. i'm overly sensitive, weak, afraid, and i care too much about everything. i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, i let it consume my every thought and action. i wish that meant that i was kind and loving all the time. but what it means is that i think and act irrationally and emotionally too much of the time. sometimes i love too quickly and too deeply. sometimes i hold on to hurt and betrayal too long. i'm not very good at patience or forgiveness sometimes. i need to find a way to pull myself together and keep myself from falling all apart. my heart and my sensitivity could be a great strength instead of the terrible weakness it is currently. i guess i just need more faith, more trust in Heavenly Father.
when i was little i had a lot more faith and trust than i do now. i had plenty of hope and optimism too. but life has beaten me down and i wasn't strong enough to fight back. sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding on. i'm so tired, so weary, so lonely, i don't know how to hold on much longer without some help. i'm just having a little trouble seeing it right now. it'll come...i don't know when and i don't know how, but it will.
06 November 2013
vacancy
my Will is going away. tonight was the last time i'll see him until at least Christmas...then who knows when. i don't have the words to explain why he means so much to me. being with him is the closest i've ever felt to that ever illusive "home" i've ached for my whole life. i don't care that he'll never be in love with me, as my dear friend, he loves me better than any man ever has. he has seen the depths of my darkness but sees me as so much more than that. and that's only the beginning. he is truly phenomenal.
but now he's moving. he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do. i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows. i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it. but he's amazing, he'll be fine. i don't know that i'll be fine though. the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again. most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful. that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy. first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state. with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him. the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance. there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine. isn't it about time i'm truly loved? isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend? that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me. it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.
so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago. it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing. he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome. those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.
i really hope that the voice inside is right. i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down. i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.
i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!
but now he's moving. he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do. i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows. i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it. but he's amazing, he'll be fine. i don't know that i'll be fine though. the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again. most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful. that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy. first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state. with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him. the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance. there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine. isn't it about time i'm truly loved? isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend? that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me. it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.
so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago. it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing. he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome. those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.
i really hope that the voice inside is right. i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down. i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.
i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!
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