01 March 2011

you keep me holding on

Sometimes we have conversations in my head. I talk to you a lot these days actually. It helps me hold on through those moments of loneliness when they won't go away. I picture you saying the words I most need to hear. You hold me and tell me it won't be long now; just hold on a little longer and you'll really be here. But I'm tired of giving you words. I'm tired of talking myself into believing you'll turn around one day and see me seeing you. I'm tired, but I'll keep holding on...I hope wherever you are, you're thinking of me and putting words in my mouth too.

I give you different faces, since I don't know what you look like. I know they aren't you, but they contribute substance and tangibility to the ghostly impression I have of you. There are one or two in particular right now that are closer to being you than any have been before. Hugging them, talking with them, just being with them gives me the hope to keep holding on until everything is right for us. But there's always that little something missing...they pull away too soon, or don't say quite the right thing...

One used to look at me in that way you look at me when we're talking in my mind. He gave me tingles and heart palpitations and inspiration...but now it's faded and fading. He made it easier to hold on, but now...I wish you'd come. It's all too much for me to get through on my own. I'm stronger than ever, I'm working harder than I ever have before and I've made a lot of progress...but there are days when all I want is you, when nothing helps because you're not here.

It's getting harder, but I'm still here, holding on....

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