if you can't say something nice...

oh Thumper, why do i so often forget your wisdom? i try not to say mean things about other people, so that's not how i'm interpreting this comment for the sake of this post. i have a horrible tendency to complain too much and slather too much of my depressed ramblings in this space (which is not saying nice things) so i'm sorry and i'm going to try to post happy, uplifting things here or nothing at all.

on Friday night i went with Hey-Pay, Pola, Pants and a few others to the Rock & Worship Roadshow! the people i went with and i are all LDS, and the performers and most of the audience were some other denomination of Christians, but we had little trouble rocking out together. the music (for the most part) was great! very uplifting and pleasant to listen to, upbeat and fun for dancing. a lot of the theology was very similar to what we believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints too. there was a lot of "Jesus loves you" and "be a believer"; "be doers of the Word," and "once you know Christ you are more willing and better able to reach out and lift up those around you." good, Christan values! 

the show opened with a band called Luminate who i particularly enjoyed.
i really like their song "Banner of Love"

the next band was Kutless, also very good. their song "Even If" was really good.

i believe Adam Cappa was next.  adorable and very humble and sincere in his testimony and conviction.

another performer was Jeremy Camp.  i had a little trouble with his entrance.  he started with a video about being "reckless" in your approach to God.  being a word person, i didn't really like the use of the word or the way he applied it, but then as he explained and performed his song by that title it made more sense and i liked him better.

the next group was called Tedashii and they rapped.  i am not a fan of rap so i'm not going to post anything by them.  i couldn't understand most of what they were saying and i just generally was not a fan.  you can look them up if you'd like.

the last group to perform (and it seemed that they were really the ones in charge of the whole show) was MercyMe.  i'd heard a couple of their songs on the regular radio, "I Can Only Imagine" is a great one you're probably familiar with.  my favorite one they performed was "The Hurt & The Healer"

at the end of the show, the lead singer for MercyMe Bart Millard, who had been the one who seemed in charge of things, got up and talked about what he believed.  i think that the point he was trying to make is like what it says in Romans 8.  "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?"  basically he was saying that God loves us so much no matter what we do or don't do that nothing can make Him not love us.  he kind of presented some ideas that i don't think are true, like he mentioned we can't possibly keep all the 10 Commandments so we should stop trying...i personally think the 10 Commandments are not impossible, and even if they are we should still do our best to keep them, but i think he was trying to say that we shouldn't beat ourselves up and let guilt and sin overcome us to the point of making us forget about God's love and mercy.  anyway, like i said, some of his beliefs coincide with my own, some are not so similar but that's the great thing about life, we're all allowed the agency to decide for ourselves what we believe!

anyway, i hope you enjoyed a little taste of the concert.  it was a lot of fun to go out with the girls and sample some other ideas and theologies...and rock out in the process!  i'm definitely interested in going again next year if the Roadshow comes this way.

I wish I could find a better use for my words

words are needy...and so am i'm sorry i can't seem to come up with a better use for my words. i'm searching, i just can't seem to find anything to say...except my feeble attempts to work out my worries. i don't have the answers, and i don't really know who to talk to so i send my thoughts and feelings out into the void like a prayer, hoping somehow the answers will find their way to me.

happy place

oh what i wouldn't give right now for a one-way ticket to a deserted island someplace where i can't be found. i'm beyond stressed and overwhelmed. i'm in shut down mode...i go through what motions are most necessary, but generally i just want to hide and pretend i don't exist. i realize this is a rather disfunctional way of dealing with life but in all my studies and various episodes of therapy and whatnot, i've never quite figured out how to cope more productively. so, i've been watching way too much tv and playing too many games on my ipod and avoiding people as much as possible. the people i most want to be with right now are...unavailable to me...and therefore, little miss dramatic me feels life is not worth living. i'm surviving, treading water, using all my energy just to keep my head above the water.

i am basically pennies away from being completely broke. actually, if i take into account that my line of credit is maxed out, my credit card holds a higher balance than i'd like to admit and i have thousands of dollars in student loans that i'm trying to pay off...plus the fact that i need new tires on my car, i guess i'm beyond broke. i need a better paying job, like, yesterday, and though i've been looking, i can't find anything that moves me to action. i'm having fits of depression and anxiety attacks all over the place. i just have no idea what to do.

now, i've always been blessed with what i need when i need it, and i generally go through this moment of intense and overwhelming panic just before things come together...but what if this time things don't work out? what if i've exhausted my chances and this time i end up destitute and financially destroyed? what if i can't pull myself together and force myself to work for money, no matter what that means i have to do? what if i'm not good enough or smart enough or fast enough.  what if i'm never enough? i feel like such an incapable, inadequate wreck.

where is the blanket of peace, love, hope and safety that i can wrap myself up in to get me through until that all illusive time when "things will get better"? i want to go to my happy place but the mountains of bills and inadequate employment are standing in the way. i'm trying to be positive and cling to that blessed ideal of future prosperity, but it just seems i'll never quite get there.

there must be some way of getting where i want most to be. i'll keep searching till i find it....

flood

i love words.  i love that i understand words and if i come across an unfamiliar word, i have easy resources for becoming acquainted with the word.  i love how sometimes i feel like i have a secret relationship with words, we have so many inside jokes and they know all my secrets.  when no one else is available, words are there to listen, to comfort, to help me figure out what to do.

sometimes words and i don't get along very well, they don't do what i want or they say things i don't want to know.  sometimes they taunt me, sitting there, waiting for me to pick them up and move them around, but something inside of me has nothing to say, or is unsure of how to form the words in adequate ways.  but somehow we always reconcile.  words are forgiving, always just there, waiting and willing, when i decide to come back around and pick them up again.

that was a tangent.  not the reason for the post.

i don't remember the last time i cried...like, really cried.  i have been numb...or happy...for months so i haven't had any urgent reason to expel the demons of my soul.   the last couple of weeks have been rough and the barriers began to bend but i've been fortifying the defenses for too long and i could not release the flood.  going to see the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower pinpricked the facade but released only a trickle.

saturday i woke feeling inexplicably sad.  the depression has hovered for a couple of weeks but the only emotion i had on saturday was sadness.  something needed to change and i didn't know what to do or how to do it.  saturday night gave me a glimmer into what needed to happen but the how still eluded me.  my all or nothing instinct refused to lend satisfaction for any solution i came up with.  by sunday night complete despair entrapped me and i could not break free on my own.  i posted a plea on facebook for prayers and happy thoughts to help me, then in the midst of a panic attack i asked my bestest friend to call me at her earliest convenience.  she responded quickly and listened while i destroyed the dam and, sobbing, poured out my plight.  she listened, counseled, encouraged, comforted, and moved me to action.

almost immediately i started feeling better.  my all or nothing was still in full force though so i paced myself and after careful consideration all day yesterday and thus far today, i have the beginnings of a game plan i think will help me with my most distressing situation.  now all i have to do is find the courage to actually put it into action.

decisions

i don't know what to do. or...i don't know how to do what i need to do. i don't want to, but i don't see any other way. who can i talk to? who can tell me what to do? how did i get myself into this situation in the first place?  how can i avoid this in the future? how do i find the courage to take back my control? i need help. but who can help me?

conflicted

i'm having trouble seeing. literally and figuratively. i don't have much to say about my eyes, other than i hope i'm not really going blind. the other kind of vision is what is scaring me and making me feel so conflicted right now.

i think things, then when it seems i've come to the correct conclusion, i think some more and it all seems wrong again. i don't really know what to think right now. i'm not sure which way is up, or what is right or wrong. my heart says one thing, my head another, and my spirit says something else entirely. i just can't figure out what to do.

i love him, and most of the time i love being with him. i feel like we're trapped in a gray area and there are some aspects i'm really struggling with. i want to stop thinking...but that's not a good idea either. why can't i ever be in a non-complicated relationship?

we accept the love we think we deserve

the last couple of weeks have been really difficult for me...as you've probably noticed if you read my blog regularly.  i'm in another complicated relationship.  we've been going strong, seeing each other nearly every day since the middle of october...until last week.  life had left me lonely, wanting for friends and love.  i'd gone on some dates, but they were all the same and i was not interested in any.  then he came along and we were just going to be friends (even though that broke my no being friends with guys rule) because of his complicated situation.  i'm a sucker for a broken soul, i want to help and lift and love those who are bruised and broken and struggling, as he was.  he reached out to me in my despair as well,  we would have made great friends...except that pesky boy/girl issue crept in rather unexpectedly and attraction grew.

the funny thing is that i wasn't attracted to him.  he's not at all what i generally find attractive.  but there was something about his soul that drew me to him.  as i've gotten to know him i find myself more and more attracted. i should have known to run and hide.  men are no good for me, at least not the ones that find me attractive.  Will and The Artist are the only non-related men (besides the husbands of my best friends) that i should ever trust.  they love me and respect me and understand me.  i do wish they would do a little better job of protecting me, but i guess that's not really their responsibility. 

i am broken.  i have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, as well as ptsd.  on top of that i have a naturally over-sensitive soul, and chronic severe headaches and allergies, as well as insomnia.  the emotional and physical realms are stacked against me.  i have always been shy and lacking in self confidence.  teased and/or neglected by my peers in grade school, i spent a lot of time as a child and teenager alone and wishing for Prince Charming to come rescue me from myself.  well, Prince Charming never came, but Prince Skunkweasel did...among other equally as jerk faced men.  i learned over the years that i am worth nothing more to men than to be used and tossed aside.  i've been in and out of various types of therapy and even tried medication which made me more crazy and nearly pushed me to take my own life.

i don't want to be alone...i'm not strong enough to be in a relationship with the kind of guys that are attracted to me.  i don't want to be that kind of girl but i don't know how to be anything else.  i am a wretch and very nearly a whore...i don't want to be that anymore.  i give in because i don't want to be alone.  i want to be loved, truly, deeply, eternally loved, but that kind of love doesn't exist for me.  all i can find is a crass sort of consuming, demeaning "love" that leaves me feeling worthless and empty. this relationship sometimes makes me feel that way...but sometimes he makes me feel the way i want to feel: really, honestly, truly loved. i'm not sure what's true.

maybe it's the depression speaking.  it's been a rough couple of weeks and i feel...too much.  i'm raw and ragged and the old wounds are bursting open and festering again.  i can't find relief or solace.  i don't know where to turn or who to talk to so i curl into a shivering fetus, wrapping my arms around myself in a feeble attempt to hold all the pieces together.  where is the balm to soothe the ache?  where is the surgeon who can stitch me back together in a way that will keep me from falling apart again?  where is the courage and wisdom and confidence i lack?  how do i rescue myself...and stop hoping for Prince Charming?