Understanding & Love

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”  ~ John Steinbeck

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 


A few months ago I opened a door that had been closed and deadbolted for nearly 7 years.  I did not rush into the decision.  Only after careful and prayerful consideration did I release the lock and grasp the dusty knob.  On the other side of the door stood a man eager for reconnection.  Every step I took hesitantly.  Old scars burned, reminding me to tread carefully.  But his words, so filled with apology and promise, soothed and softened and began to heal the wounds he'd so carelessly created so many years ago.  I sometimes wish the gashes and bruises and breaks were visible, like someone battered and kicked down stairs, then maybe he would have seen the damage and stopped.  But he cut and tore deeply and invisibly.  For reasons I will never understand, I loved him and let him.  I saw goodness in him, made excuses for his mistreatment.  He wasn't parented well, he had a rough childhood, a rough life, he wasn't taught love and compassion and understanding.  I love too easily, too deeply...especially those who are most in need of love and compassion.

He said that he had changed.  He said he wanted me in his life and he regretted all the hurt he had caused.  He said he would commit. He spoke often of our future together, as though being together for a long time was an inevitability.  He said he loved me.  He tried.  I know he tried.  In all his apparent affection and hope for the future, I got lost.  My fear of the past and the still aching scars kept me uncertain and holding back.  I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in the present, let alone continue with him into the future he imagined.  I couldn't keep up.  I couldn't explain my resistance.  I didn't want to hurt him with the hurt he'd caused me.  I wanted to forgive and forget and give the new us a chance.  But he did not understand and impatiently put me off.  It was too hard.  New relationships shouldn't be so hard.  But it wasn't a new relationship, only a new chapter in an old story.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't hear.  My inability to speak is a huge problem between us.  I try to say what I need to but the words don't come out right and he does not try to understand.  On the verge of spewing the words, explaining the circumstance, the conflict inside my heart, he silenced me.

A week ago he broke up with me.  In the moment it was a good break up.  He said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to just be friends.  I wanted that too, but as the following days evolved I became less certain of the possibility.  "Friendship" is a conflicting term for us.  My definition is very different than his.  So I told him I needed time to consider.  A few days away from him allowed me time to release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding for months.  Understanding flooded and revealed his best efforts and my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my hopes.  I had been so focused on the past and the future I forgot to just be and find joy in the moment.  I noticed too much what he wasn't doing that I forgot to recognize and appreciate the kind and loving things he did: remembering I don't like ice in my water, paying for dinner, walking me to my car, making sure I got home safely, holding me, trying to cheer me up when I was sad or stressed, organizing a weekly game night, killing a huge spider, always volunteering to drive, coming to movie night, holding my hand, giving me his wii when the previous ex took his back, taking me hiking and to soccer games, and so many other things.  They weren't what I asked so I forgot to see and recognize and praise.  On the outside I could see more clearly the way things should have gone.  But from the outside I also saw no way of going back. 

In an effort to move forward I said we could be friends. Knowing him and myself the way I do, I asked for a conversation.  In order for us to be friends in a way that is acceptable to us both, I need guidelines.  I need to know his perspective and I wanted him to understand mine.  Yesterday I asked for the conversation but I didn't explain what I wanted and he was less than enthusiastic so my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot to see the situation from his point of view. I needed to explain to him who I am and how I function...or malfunction sometimes so he (as a friend) would be patient and understanding until I could adjust to what we would become.  I wanted to give us time and space to build trust and learn to function and coexist.  We did not have the pleasant conversation I intended.  Instead, over text message, we both said things I regret.  We did not speak to understand, we did not speak from a place of compassion and kindness, we did not speak progressively. 

I do not understand how things rose and fell so entirely in such a short amount of time.  Everything moved so quickly and I couldn't keep up.  My intention at the beginning was to repair the past, find closure, and move forward with more positive and settled emotions and learn to let go.  Maybe I read too many books, watch too many movies and believe too steadily in wrapping things up in a matter of hours or pages.  Life isn't neat and tidy, people are flawed and not all conflicts can be resolved.  Best intentions are not always rewarded and sometimes all you can do after a fall is to crawl slowly until you are able to regain some sense of footing.  All I can do is accept that things will never be clean and pretty between us.  Whether we are active in each others lives or not he will always be a part of me and I will always hope and pray that life is being kind to him.  I have no idea where to go from here.  From the outside the answers may seem clear, but the situation on the inside is complicated and complex and not easily explained.  All I can do is be in the moment.  The past is gone, the future is uncertain.  I can function only a moment at a time, I can take life as it comes and do my best to keep up and make better decisions as I go.  And I can try harder to say what I need to say, seeking always to communicate from a place of understanding and love.