It's 1am and I'm still awake even though there's a meeting at 7:30am.
Fear and avoidance keep me from sleep.
The insomnia is back.
Restlessness, frustration, worry, loneliness
an inability to breathe: heart and lungs are tight
I make progress then a new trigger sets me back again.
No one understands.
Avoid, hide, cover the eternal hurt with numerous coping mechanisms and a smile.
My words don't work right. I can't say what's wrong; I can't ask for what I need.
A few years ago I was progressing. Then I hit a wall (actually wall after wall, after wall) and the downward spiral began. Broken but in denial, I told myself I was okay, on the mend. But maybe I've been lying to myself, not just everyone else.
There is a well of hurt inside of me, it's been there for as long as I can remember. I don't know the source, I don't know how deep it goes or if there's an end. Sometimes it feels like a puddle, other times it's a surging flood. Right now I feel like I'm drowning, though to others I seem only to be sipping from a glass.
How can I look all right on the outside but feel so wrong inside?
I surround myself with people who would notice if I suddenly wasn't there. I don't want to draw attention to myself, that's why I smile, that's why I show up; that's why I'm responsible. Bestest Friend isn't around much these days, but she's still my anchor. The Kid and Baby give me another reason; Shygirl, Midgie, Velcro, The Artist, and maybe a few others. But some days...I really wish...
It's just after 2am now. I really want to sleep. I really want to rest. But what good will it do now?
18 July 2010
15 July 2010
Working Toward Happy
Friends who understand and care
Hershey's Chocolate Kisses
Sunshine
TV Shows that explore human behavior
Air Conditioning
Classic Cartoons
Books
Movies Under the Stars
Barnes & Noble
Dr. Pepper
Photography
Time Off
My Car
Musicals
Hershey's Chocolate Kisses
Sunshine
TV Shows that explore human behavior
Air Conditioning
Classic Cartoons
Books
Movies Under the Stars
Barnes & Noble
Dr. Pepper
Photography
Time Off
My Car
Musicals
11 July 2010
Safe Places
When moods like my current one set in I start to feel very small and vulnerable. I want nothing more than just to curl up in someone's arms and rest for a while. Alas, right now I don't have anyone in my life to provide such comfort. So instead, I find places to go that provide as close to a feeling of safety as possible.
For reasons I don't understand, being around BMT makes me feel more at ease. All day I looked for opportunities to talk with him one-on-one (it's been over a month since we've had a good chat like we used to on Tuesday nights and I really miss that) but every time I thought I was finally getting a moment, someone came along to take it away. I don't even know that I want to say anything, it's a matter of having his undivided attention to get into a good conversation about anything really. I don't remember the last uninterrupted, good conversation with BMT, The Artist, or any guy for that matter. I tried to talk with my dad about some things today but I should remember that that never works.
I went early to church to do the program, hoping that would provide the desired moment, but Velcro came into the office and diverted all attention. After the programs were done I sat in the office until after the meeting started. BMT, Z-Train, Jones and I were all in the office.
After new member meeting I found a reason to stay in the office. I ended up curling up on a chair in the corner, wishing I could hide under the table so no one would make me leave. No one knew, I'm pretty good at putting on a mask and covering what's really going on inside. Brother H made me leave and go to RS. I was actually glad I did because the meeting was good. Our stake recently had a reorganization in the RS presidency and the new presidency gave the lesson. Sister P is still in the presidency, thank Heaven! She's pretty much my favorite woman I've ever met in my life. The other women were almost equally amazing.
The emotion I've been feeling but haven't been able to release burst the floodgate and rained from my eyes during the new RS President's talk. I wanted to sob and throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until I found relief. But of course that wasn't an option. So I just closed my eyes and let the tears seep through my lashes and stream down my cheeks, then wash over my hands. Velcro was sitting beside me and asked to hug me. RJ noticed me from across the room and came over after the meeting to offer her compassion. She is sweet.
By the time I got to ward choir I was feeling a bit better. We're singing next week, a variation of one of my favorite hymns: Be Still, My Soul. It's one of my "no worries" hymns. One phrase we sang over 5 times in a row in order to get it right. "Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."
After choir practice I asked my new home teacher, choir director Mr. Music, for a blessing. I know it came from God. My heart was too tremulous to feel the peace right away, but the words were particular and meant for me. Simple, direct, compassionate and comforting. I didn't get any specific answers, not really, but I received some guidance and reassurance.
Right now nothing really makes sense. I feel like my whole life is halted. I can't move forward in any direction so I'm just making the best of where I am. I'm building friendships as well as relationships with family members; I'm making memories and recording experiences; I'm trying to repair damages and mend wounds; I'm helping those around me do the same; I'm seeking the Kingdom of God...I'm doing the best I know how. God will take care of the rest. There must be a purpose in this moment of waiting. Maybe someday I'll understand.
Sister P noticed my tears today and asked what was wrong. I told her it was just a difficult moment. She said, "I'm sad to hear that, you've had a lot of those...But it's making you stronger. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, you know." Yep, that's what they say. It hasn't killed me yet, so I guess I'll be about the strongest person who ever lived by the time I get out of this life. ;-)
Today my safe places were:
the clerk's office
Sister P's embrace
choir practice
under Mr. Music's hands
believe it or not, family dinner
ward prayer
texting with midgie
and now my bedroom, writing and listening to musicals
I hope sometime in the next couple of days I'll find a chance to chat with BMT. For reasons I don't understand, he's the friend I feel can help me out of this little blue funk I'm currently in...
Either way, I'm feeling a little better. I'm in God's hands...that's the message I keep getting, so I just need to figure out how to trust in that and in Him.
For reasons I don't understand, being around BMT makes me feel more at ease. All day I looked for opportunities to talk with him one-on-one (it's been over a month since we've had a good chat like we used to on Tuesday nights and I really miss that) but every time I thought I was finally getting a moment, someone came along to take it away. I don't even know that I want to say anything, it's a matter of having his undivided attention to get into a good conversation about anything really. I don't remember the last uninterrupted, good conversation with BMT, The Artist, or any guy for that matter. I tried to talk with my dad about some things today but I should remember that that never works.
I went early to church to do the program, hoping that would provide the desired moment, but Velcro came into the office and diverted all attention. After the programs were done I sat in the office until after the meeting started. BMT, Z-Train, Jones and I were all in the office.
After new member meeting I found a reason to stay in the office. I ended up curling up on a chair in the corner, wishing I could hide under the table so no one would make me leave. No one knew, I'm pretty good at putting on a mask and covering what's really going on inside. Brother H made me leave and go to RS. I was actually glad I did because the meeting was good. Our stake recently had a reorganization in the RS presidency and the new presidency gave the lesson. Sister P is still in the presidency, thank Heaven! She's pretty much my favorite woman I've ever met in my life. The other women were almost equally amazing.
The emotion I've been feeling but haven't been able to release burst the floodgate and rained from my eyes during the new RS President's talk. I wanted to sob and throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until I found relief. But of course that wasn't an option. So I just closed my eyes and let the tears seep through my lashes and stream down my cheeks, then wash over my hands. Velcro was sitting beside me and asked to hug me. RJ noticed me from across the room and came over after the meeting to offer her compassion. She is sweet.
By the time I got to ward choir I was feeling a bit better. We're singing next week, a variation of one of my favorite hymns: Be Still, My Soul. It's one of my "no worries" hymns. One phrase we sang over 5 times in a row in order to get it right. "Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."
After choir practice I asked my new home teacher, choir director Mr. Music, for a blessing. I know it came from God. My heart was too tremulous to feel the peace right away, but the words were particular and meant for me. Simple, direct, compassionate and comforting. I didn't get any specific answers, not really, but I received some guidance and reassurance.
Right now nothing really makes sense. I feel like my whole life is halted. I can't move forward in any direction so I'm just making the best of where I am. I'm building friendships as well as relationships with family members; I'm making memories and recording experiences; I'm trying to repair damages and mend wounds; I'm helping those around me do the same; I'm seeking the Kingdom of God...I'm doing the best I know how. God will take care of the rest. There must be a purpose in this moment of waiting. Maybe someday I'll understand.
Sister P noticed my tears today and asked what was wrong. I told her it was just a difficult moment. She said, "I'm sad to hear that, you've had a lot of those...But it's making you stronger. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, you know." Yep, that's what they say. It hasn't killed me yet, so I guess I'll be about the strongest person who ever lived by the time I get out of this life. ;-)
Today my safe places were:
the clerk's office
Sister P's embrace
choir practice
under Mr. Music's hands
believe it or not, family dinner
ward prayer
texting with midgie
and now my bedroom, writing and listening to musicals
I hope sometime in the next couple of days I'll find a chance to chat with BMT. For reasons I don't understand, he's the friend I feel can help me out of this little blue funk I'm currently in...
Either way, I'm feeling a little better. I'm in God's hands...that's the message I keep getting, so I just need to figure out how to trust in that and in Him.
10 July 2010
tortured soul
how can i be a true artist if i can't be honest, even with myself?
by denying my true self, i am inhibiting my creativity and possible brilliance.
why are we taught to hide and be other than what we really are?
why are we taught to pretend, to lie, to suppress anything in us that does not conform to socially designated boundaries?
my self is in conflict. if i try to be who i am, i'm mocked, rejected, scorned. if i neglect myself i am abused, broken, left for dead.
i lose either way.
a new perspective could help.
i need a mentor to show me how to be myself without being punished for it. is that even a possibility?
i'm a good person: kind, caring, responsible, loyal, understanding...
but i've been through hell; now and then i find myself still standing on the ledge, feeling the heat, hoping and praying i won't be dragged back down.
tonight i'm emotional. life is weighing on me and i know it'll be okay, but tonight it's not okay.
i'm tired but can't sleep. i'm sad but can't cry. i'm hot and cold, empty and full, anxious and calm, focused and bemused.
there are friends i could call, i know i am loved and people care, but tonight i want to be alone. no one understands what it's like to be me. that's okay, it's the way of things. each of us are individuals, no one can fully understand what it's like to be any of us...but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who wants to try.
I'm watching a TV show that quotes philosophers and authors, etc. One of the quotes in this episode was by an English author I hadn't heard of before. I googled him and found a few more quotes. I'll be looking into him further because I feel a little better.
The quote from the TV show actually fits with my mood in a way.
"Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." ~ G.K. Chesterton
Maybe I need to read more fairy tales...
by denying my true self, i am inhibiting my creativity and possible brilliance.
why are we taught to hide and be other than what we really are?
why are we taught to pretend, to lie, to suppress anything in us that does not conform to socially designated boundaries?
my self is in conflict. if i try to be who i am, i'm mocked, rejected, scorned. if i neglect myself i am abused, broken, left for dead.
i lose either way.
a new perspective could help.
i need a mentor to show me how to be myself without being punished for it. is that even a possibility?
i'm a good person: kind, caring, responsible, loyal, understanding...
but i've been through hell; now and then i find myself still standing on the ledge, feeling the heat, hoping and praying i won't be dragged back down.
tonight i'm emotional. life is weighing on me and i know it'll be okay, but tonight it's not okay.
i'm tired but can't sleep. i'm sad but can't cry. i'm hot and cold, empty and full, anxious and calm, focused and bemused.
there are friends i could call, i know i am loved and people care, but tonight i want to be alone. no one understands what it's like to be me. that's okay, it's the way of things. each of us are individuals, no one can fully understand what it's like to be any of us...but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who wants to try.
I'm watching a TV show that quotes philosophers and authors, etc. One of the quotes in this episode was by an English author I hadn't heard of before. I googled him and found a few more quotes. I'll be looking into him further because I feel a little better.
The quote from the TV show actually fits with my mood in a way.
"Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." ~ G.K. Chesterton
Maybe I need to read more fairy tales...
06 July 2010
Laugh It Off
When things happen in life, or when i have "one of those days," instead of getting upset about it, I simply declare the day (moment, situation, etc) ridiculous and laugh it off.
Last week such a situation presented itself. The emails I received were so utterly absurd that I couldn't even get angry or upset about them. I could only laugh.
I've decided that I need more laughter in my life. I need to have more fun. I need to be more carefree. I need to stop taking things so seriously, stop taking myself so seriously.
It's working, this week anyway. So, while the situation is slightly irritating, I don't have any truly negative feelings. I pity the girl who has caused the ripple; it seems she's rather delusional, poor dear, bless her little heart. I wanted to try talking with her to work out the differences between us and set the record straight, but the things she wrote in the emails lead me to believe she would only twist my words and use them against me in the future. So I've decided to simply ignore her.
This may be somewhat difficult because we have a lot of the same friends and we are in the same ward at church, but somehow I will figure out a way to make it work. Most of our mutual friends prefer hanging out with me, so I really don't think I'll feel any loss.
This morning I went with the parents and Bliss and her family to see The Karate Kid. Good movie but I wish they had named it differently because there's really not much similarity to the old flicks. Tonight was fun too. I hung out with a little bit different group of friends than normal, then watched Ghostbusters 2 with The Artist, Velcro, CP and Midgie. It was fun. On the whole, it was a great day!
Tomorrow I'm going boating with Midgie and her family. It should be a lot of fun too. Midgie always makes me laugh so I'm sure she can help me with my determination to add more laughter to my life!
Last week such a situation presented itself. The emails I received were so utterly absurd that I couldn't even get angry or upset about them. I could only laugh.
I've decided that I need more laughter in my life. I need to have more fun. I need to be more carefree. I need to stop taking things so seriously, stop taking myself so seriously.
It's working, this week anyway. So, while the situation is slightly irritating, I don't have any truly negative feelings. I pity the girl who has caused the ripple; it seems she's rather delusional, poor dear, bless her little heart. I wanted to try talking with her to work out the differences between us and set the record straight, but the things she wrote in the emails lead me to believe she would only twist my words and use them against me in the future. So I've decided to simply ignore her.
This may be somewhat difficult because we have a lot of the same friends and we are in the same ward at church, but somehow I will figure out a way to make it work. Most of our mutual friends prefer hanging out with me, so I really don't think I'll feel any loss.
This morning I went with the parents and Bliss and her family to see The Karate Kid. Good movie but I wish they had named it differently because there's really not much similarity to the old flicks. Tonight was fun too. I hung out with a little bit different group of friends than normal, then watched Ghostbusters 2 with The Artist, Velcro, CP and Midgie. It was fun. On the whole, it was a great day!
Tomorrow I'm going boating with Midgie and her family. It should be a lot of fun too. Midgie always makes me laugh so I'm sure she can help me with my determination to add more laughter to my life!
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