I'm not very verbal with my opinions. I don't talk much in general, so in those rare moments when I do become suddenly impassioned about a topic, I need to remember to clench my teeth and walk away. For some reason I still believe that other people are as good at listening as I am. I sit patiently, listen to the opinions of others and generally bite my tongue because I know that my opinion doesn't have any validity to them. I have a few friends who I can have good conversations with. We can have differing opinions, we can listen to each others' point of view and at least accept the other person's opinion as just that without any contention. Tonight was not one of those conversations.
I forget sometimes that I need to keep silent when certain people are talking. They just want to be heard, they don't want to hear. The situation doesn't matter. The conversation doesn't matter. Wat matters is that until I am sure a person knows how to listen and accept another person's perspective, I won't open my mouth.
I'm going to try for radio silence for a while. I don't really think it'll work because, like I said before, everyone wants to at least feel like they're being heard. I can't speak, if I do, it doesn't matter because almost no one listens; so I write. Writing in a public place at least lends the illusion of being heard.
I'll call Bestest Friend tomorrow, she's the one I talk to when I really need someone to listen.
26 February 2011
24 February 2011
Concussions and the Rest of My Life
When I was about four years old I fell off a table at church and woke up in my bed at home. That was my first concussion. My second concussion happened when I was in first grade. My friend and I were playing on a swing set at recess. We discovered we could slip our little legs through the rings and hang upside down and swing ourselves around. We had done this many times before, and yet, this time something went wrong. I vaguely remember before, I don't remember being upside down, I don't remember falling. I don't remember being picked up or leaving the playground. The first thing I do remember is seeing myself being carried down the hall toward myself. Strange, I know.
My third concussion was sometime around fourth grade. I was riding my bike with my family to a park near our house. The paved road was edged with gravel before it faded into grass. I tried to see if anyone I knew was at the park as I rode down the paved road and my tire slipped off the pavement and onto the gravel. As I tried to hop the little lip back onto the road my tires skidded on the gravel and my bike fell, smacking my head on the pavement. I was disoriented and scratched up, but didn't lose consciousness like the times before.
The other night I listened to a podcast from Stuff You Should Know about concussions. They said that concussions can cause depression, anxiety, sinus troubles, headaches/migraines, memory troubles; as well as increasing the risk of Alzheimer's disease, dementia, and early death. Maybe I should stop listening to podcasts like that.
I told my mom about this and I said, "I guess I brought this on myself." She said, "No, you're a victim of circumstance." I said, "Well, if I hadn't been such a careless, rambunctious child..."
I can't undo the damage. I'll probably suffer from headaches and sinus troubles for the rest of my life; maybe bits of depression and anxiety too...but I've lived with all this for most of my life, so I've found some great ways to cope and I'm learning to endure in more positive ways. As for the Alzheimer's, dementia, and early death...well, I've heard that there are ways to strengthen the mind to guard against such degeneration. I'm an avid reader and writer. I love playing games and other such activities that require mental processes.
Most of life is a gamble anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter if my brain isn't as quick as others. I'm intelligent, I get good grades in school as long as I don't have to memorize things quickly. And my heart and determination make up for any deficiencies. We all have challenges in life, mine just happen to be mostly "in my head." Ha ha, bad joke. ;-)
My third concussion was sometime around fourth grade. I was riding my bike with my family to a park near our house. The paved road was edged with gravel before it faded into grass. I tried to see if anyone I knew was at the park as I rode down the paved road and my tire slipped off the pavement and onto the gravel. As I tried to hop the little lip back onto the road my tires skidded on the gravel and my bike fell, smacking my head on the pavement. I was disoriented and scratched up, but didn't lose consciousness like the times before.
The other night I listened to a podcast from Stuff You Should Know about concussions. They said that concussions can cause depression, anxiety, sinus troubles, headaches/migraines, memory troubles; as well as increasing the risk of Alzheimer's disease, dementia, and early death. Maybe I should stop listening to podcasts like that.
I told my mom about this and I said, "I guess I brought this on myself." She said, "No, you're a victim of circumstance." I said, "Well, if I hadn't been such a careless, rambunctious child..."
I can't undo the damage. I'll probably suffer from headaches and sinus troubles for the rest of my life; maybe bits of depression and anxiety too...but I've lived with all this for most of my life, so I've found some great ways to cope and I'm learning to endure in more positive ways. As for the Alzheimer's, dementia, and early death...well, I've heard that there are ways to strengthen the mind to guard against such degeneration. I'm an avid reader and writer. I love playing games and other such activities that require mental processes.
Most of life is a gamble anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter if my brain isn't as quick as others. I'm intelligent, I get good grades in school as long as I don't have to memorize things quickly. And my heart and determination make up for any deficiencies. We all have challenges in life, mine just happen to be mostly "in my head." Ha ha, bad joke. ;-)
23 February 2011
Courage
I need more courage. I need more confidence to be myself and stop holding myself back. Words are a huge part of who I am and what I want to do with my life, and yet, I've become afraid of my own voice (whether spoken or written). I used to write so freely, now I'm jaded and have become too careful with what I write. The greatest writers in history were bold and heedless of critics. It's not so much the critics I'm worried about, it's the regular people who might read something I write, take it out of context or claim offense, and attack me and my writing. I'm silenced because I'm too afraid of what other people think...
I'm also too nice, too considerate of others: always putting the feelings and needs of others before my own. I don't know how to not do that. My needs are just as important as anyone else's, right? So I'm learning to ask.
The trouble is that even when you ask, if it's dependent on someone else, there's always the chance they will say no. A couple weeks ago I wanted something from Gonzo but didn't have the courage to ask. Instead I asked, "hypothetically" if he would have said yes, or if he would say yes in the future. To which he replied, "You never know until you just ask." But I like to know the answer before I ask the question! He also said, "Don't ask if you can ask, just ask."
Last night I wanted a moment of his time, so I worked up my courage and sent a text. He didn't respond until this morning. He apologized and said his phone was off. I convinced myself to take him at his word, though I'm struggling to suppress my skepticism. Today I asked again. He said he was busy. I said, "right then, i was only practicing anyway." He asked if it was good practice, (though I'm not sure what he meant by that) I told him, "well, I asked." He apologized and said he'd call if things ended early. They didn't.
It's okay. It's probably better if I don't ask the questions I'm having trouble suppressing. It's probably best if I distance myself from men in general right now. I've been trying to be friends with them, develop some connections to get myself comfortable around men again. The Artist doesn't count because he's been around so long that he's more like a brother to me. But I get so anxious around other men these days. I was fine during the summer and really, most of last year in general. It's just been the last couple of months...but then, I'm always more anxious and emotional in winter.
I know I need to be getting out and meeting new men. I need to find my confidence and my flirtatiousness and just start meeting lots of people (men in particular). I just don't know how these days. More and more often I find myself thinking of secluding myself, locking myself away from society and just creating my own reality in my writing. I can write anything I want if I don't have friends...then I have no one to fear offending.
Not that my writing is really offensive, but people seem to take a great deal of offense over things that (quite often) have nothing to do with them. But then, maybe they're offended over being excluded or something, I don't know.
I've been learning to lighten up and not take offense so easily. I used to be the worst at that. I don't know if it was some sort of paranoia or what, but I thought everyone was out to hurt me or mock me or whatever. Now I see that people really don't notice me or care enough about me to do anything intentionally toward me, positive or negative. People really don't think about me often at all. I kinda wish they did. I guess everyone wants someone to think of them...I think I'm rambling now.
Anyway, I'm looking for courage and confidence. Maybe one day I'll find them. Then perhaps I'll finally find the freedom to write something really worth reading.
I'm also too nice, too considerate of others: always putting the feelings and needs of others before my own. I don't know how to not do that. My needs are just as important as anyone else's, right? So I'm learning to ask.
The trouble is that even when you ask, if it's dependent on someone else, there's always the chance they will say no. A couple weeks ago I wanted something from Gonzo but didn't have the courage to ask. Instead I asked, "hypothetically" if he would have said yes, or if he would say yes in the future. To which he replied, "You never know until you just ask." But I like to know the answer before I ask the question! He also said, "Don't ask if you can ask, just ask."
Last night I wanted a moment of his time, so I worked up my courage and sent a text. He didn't respond until this morning. He apologized and said his phone was off. I convinced myself to take him at his word, though I'm struggling to suppress my skepticism. Today I asked again. He said he was busy. I said, "right then, i was only practicing anyway." He asked if it was good practice, (though I'm not sure what he meant by that) I told him, "well, I asked." He apologized and said he'd call if things ended early. They didn't.
It's okay. It's probably better if I don't ask the questions I'm having trouble suppressing. It's probably best if I distance myself from men in general right now. I've been trying to be friends with them, develop some connections to get myself comfortable around men again. The Artist doesn't count because he's been around so long that he's more like a brother to me. But I get so anxious around other men these days. I was fine during the summer and really, most of last year in general. It's just been the last couple of months...but then, I'm always more anxious and emotional in winter.
I know I need to be getting out and meeting new men. I need to find my confidence and my flirtatiousness and just start meeting lots of people (men in particular). I just don't know how these days. More and more often I find myself thinking of secluding myself, locking myself away from society and just creating my own reality in my writing. I can write anything I want if I don't have friends...then I have no one to fear offending.
Not that my writing is really offensive, but people seem to take a great deal of offense over things that (quite often) have nothing to do with them. But then, maybe they're offended over being excluded or something, I don't know.
I've been learning to lighten up and not take offense so easily. I used to be the worst at that. I don't know if it was some sort of paranoia or what, but I thought everyone was out to hurt me or mock me or whatever. Now I see that people really don't notice me or care enough about me to do anything intentionally toward me, positive or negative. People really don't think about me often at all. I kinda wish they did. I guess everyone wants someone to think of them...I think I'm rambling now.
Anyway, I'm looking for courage and confidence. Maybe one day I'll find them. Then perhaps I'll finally find the freedom to write something really worth reading.
16 February 2011
rambling a little
I'm thinking of not going to school tomorrow. I have only one class, and all we're doing is reading each others papers. I know I owe my classmates the same attention to their writing as they will be giving to mine, but with the snow...I might justify it.
The week is half over and it's been a good week. Even Tuesday, my long day at school, I kept myself in a good attitude without needing much outside help. I can't decide what is the better option for tomorrow. Last Thursday wasn't so good and I'm afraid of a relapse. Maybe a little more sleep, some food, and not having to worry about traveling in the snow would make for a better day. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it's better to stick to the routine, even if it seems to be a waste of time, it's actually better. I know some adjustments to make from last week. It didn't get dismal until after school, but I have a different plan for tomorrow.
I'm having a little trouble tonight. We're studying Ralph Waldo Emerson in my American Lit class this week. Until now most of the reading has been Puritan and pretty boring, but now that we're getting into the Transcendentalists I'm absolutely devouring their words. I love the freedom of thought and the inspiration and creativity that comes to me through their words. I was supposed to read Emerson's "Nature" the other day but only got through a couple of pages when one little sentence caught my attention and I had to write my own thoughts. Today we talked about how Emerson probably never made it through very many books in their entirety because his ideals were all about listening to your own intuition and creating your own ideals. In his "The Divinity School Address" Emerson said, "It cannot be received at second hand. Truly speaking, it is not instruction, but provocation, that I can receive from another soul...I must find true in me..." My teacher was saying how Emerson would start reading someone else's work, then get caught by his own intuition and start scribbling his thoughts in his own journals, leaving the book unfinished.
That's what I do. I have finished reading a lot of books in my life, but I always read with a paper and pen, or my computer open to a blank screen. Something catches my attention and sparks my own "intuition" and I take off.
Today I wished I had time and the undivided attention of some mind and soul very much like my own. As I was reading, it wasn't enough just to write about it, I wanted to dig in and really discuss. Class is good, but the professor talks a lot and it's not really a good equally yoked exploration and connection of two minds. I put a quote on Facebook, hoping someone would read it and comment, starting a discussion there, but no one even "liked" it. It was long, I know, but it was too provoking to cut it short. I'm posting it here too.
So many delicious insights and amazing understandings in this passage. I wish I had words to equal his sentiment and eloquence.
I want to be that kind of person. I want to be that kind of friend. I want to encourage and put people at ease so they can find the divinity and worth in themselves so they can accomplish their great potentials. I want people to feel better about themselves and about life in general after being around me. I want to be that kind of person that encourages souls to be wiser, and helps people feel like it's okay to just be them.
I wish I had someone to discuss this and other passages with, but I guess I haven't met the ones who speak what I think and tell me what I know. I have some good conversations with some good friends, but nothing that makes me feel quite the connection I'm searching for. I'm not sure I've ever had that with anyone...Maybe some day. Maybe not. I guess I'll have to settle for connecting with the literary geniuses of the past and stop looking for one in the present. It would be nice to feel like I'm being heard though. I hear them through the books I read, but books can't listen. Books can't respond to my specific questions. But, they'll have to do for now.
For some reason it seems that connection isn't available to me right now...not the deep, transcendent connections I crave anyway. But it's okay, maybe some day. For now I'll just read, and then write here I guess.
If anyone is out there, thanks for listening to my rambles :)
The week is half over and it's been a good week. Even Tuesday, my long day at school, I kept myself in a good attitude without needing much outside help. I can't decide what is the better option for tomorrow. Last Thursday wasn't so good and I'm afraid of a relapse. Maybe a little more sleep, some food, and not having to worry about traveling in the snow would make for a better day. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it's better to stick to the routine, even if it seems to be a waste of time, it's actually better. I know some adjustments to make from last week. It didn't get dismal until after school, but I have a different plan for tomorrow.
I'm having a little trouble tonight. We're studying Ralph Waldo Emerson in my American Lit class this week. Until now most of the reading has been Puritan and pretty boring, but now that we're getting into the Transcendentalists I'm absolutely devouring their words. I love the freedom of thought and the inspiration and creativity that comes to me through their words. I was supposed to read Emerson's "Nature" the other day but only got through a couple of pages when one little sentence caught my attention and I had to write my own thoughts. Today we talked about how Emerson probably never made it through very many books in their entirety because his ideals were all about listening to your own intuition and creating your own ideals. In his "The Divinity School Address" Emerson said, "It cannot be received at second hand. Truly speaking, it is not instruction, but provocation, that I can receive from another soul...I must find true in me..." My teacher was saying how Emerson would start reading someone else's work, then get caught by his own intuition and start scribbling his thoughts in his own journals, leaving the book unfinished.
That's what I do. I have finished reading a lot of books in my life, but I always read with a paper and pen, or my computer open to a blank screen. Something catches my attention and sparks my own "intuition" and I take off.
Today I wished I had time and the undivided attention of some mind and soul very much like my own. As I was reading, it wasn't enough just to write about it, I wanted to dig in and really discuss. Class is good, but the professor talks a lot and it's not really a good equally yoked exploration and connection of two minds. I put a quote on Facebook, hoping someone would read it and comment, starting a discussion there, but no one even "liked" it. It was long, I know, but it was too provoking to cut it short. I'm posting it here too.
"...be to them a divine man; be to them thought and virtue; let their timid aspirations find in you a friend; let their trampled instincts be genially tempted out in your atmosphere; let their doubts know that you have doubted, and their wonder feel that you have wondered. By trusting your own soul, you shall gain greater confidence in other men. For all our penny-wisdom, for all our soul destroying slavery to habit, it is not to be doubted, that all men have sublime thoughts...they love to be heard...we mark with light in the memory the few interviews, we have had in dreary years of routine and sin, with souls that make our souls wiser; that spoke what we thought; that told us what we knew; that gave us leave to be what we inly were. Discharge to men the priestly office, and, present or absent, you shall be followed with their love as by an angel."
So many delicious insights and amazing understandings in this passage. I wish I had words to equal his sentiment and eloquence.
I want to be that kind of person. I want to be that kind of friend. I want to encourage and put people at ease so they can find the divinity and worth in themselves so they can accomplish their great potentials. I want people to feel better about themselves and about life in general after being around me. I want to be that kind of person that encourages souls to be wiser, and helps people feel like it's okay to just be them.
I wish I had someone to discuss this and other passages with, but I guess I haven't met the ones who speak what I think and tell me what I know. I have some good conversations with some good friends, but nothing that makes me feel quite the connection I'm searching for. I'm not sure I've ever had that with anyone...Maybe some day. Maybe not. I guess I'll have to settle for connecting with the literary geniuses of the past and stop looking for one in the present. It would be nice to feel like I'm being heard though. I hear them through the books I read, but books can't listen. Books can't respond to my specific questions. But, they'll have to do for now.
For some reason it seems that connection isn't available to me right now...not the deep, transcendent connections I crave anyway. But it's okay, maybe some day. For now I'll just read, and then write here I guess.
If anyone is out there, thanks for listening to my rambles :)
14 February 2011
Today I Love
(in no particular order)
The Artist Pola Chelle HeyPay Midgie KeJo
Gonzo Niffer Bestest Friend Ellie Belle The Kids
All other friends Bliss&Hub Little Brother&Sis The Parental Unit
Dr. Pepper Chocolate Sunshine Pizza Movies
Writing Music/Musicians Sleep TV Art/Artists
Love Hugs Kisses Nature Literature Education
Today I love myself, God, people...Today I love LIFE! :)
The Artist Pola Chelle HeyPay Midgie KeJo
Gonzo Niffer Bestest Friend Ellie Belle The Kids
All other friends Bliss&Hub Little Brother&Sis The Parental Unit
Dr. Pepper Chocolate Sunshine Pizza Movies
Writing Music/Musicians Sleep TV Art/Artists
Love Hugs Kisses Nature Literature Education
Today I love myself, God, people...Today I love LIFE! :)
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