I wrote a post just over a year ago with this title. I had been watching an episode of Bones in which the depressed intern made this statement. At the moment it made a deep impression on me because I was feeling abandoned by more than one "friend" who had promised to love me and stick around forever. Although this seems to be a common theme in life, people come and go causing "friendship" to appear fleeting, I think the word "always" in this statement should be changed to "often."
Bestest Friend has been my confidant and soul friend for at least 15 years. Spaz and a few others have been good friends for nearly as long. Shygirl, Missalicious, Em, The Artist and others have been dear friends for 5-7 years. These are not fleeting friendships. These are true friendships.
Over the last year I've become friends with Hey-Pay, Chelle, Midgie, La-T, and some others that I believe will stick around for a while. I'm not afraid of losing them. I don't feel clingy or need constant reassurance that they care about me or want me around. I don't question our friendship. I believe they are sincere and truly want me as a friend.
Most of the time I don't make a big deal about friendship. I don't worry about whether or not a person is a "true" and lasting friend. I don't question their loyalty or fret that they will abandon me. I've recently discovered that it's only an issue with certain people. Gonzo is one. I have been trying to figure out why I feel so strongly and react so intensely to his shifting moods. It doesn't matter if he stays or goes. It doesn't really matter if he's a "true friend" who stays in my life forever, or just a buddy-buddy kinda friend for only a moment. Logically I know and understand...but my heart reacts violently to the idea that he may leave at any moment.
A long time ago I created in my mind an ideal friend. Over the last 12 or so years I've been cultivating this ideal, and searching for it. There have been a couple times in the last few years when I thought I had found this friend. I was wrong. They didn't understand or care. They didn't know what it was to be a true friend.
Somewhere over the last few months I projected that ideal role onto Gonzo. For a couple of months he was only a couple of details away from being fulfilling that ideal. He was everything I've hoped for and dreamed of for so long. To a great extent he still is; the two lacking details, however, are too significant to overlook. He doesn't love me. I'm not significant enough to him. He could walk away today and never think of me again; there wouldn't be a hole in his heart with my absence...not even a pinprick. He doesn't need me, doesn't think of me, doesn't want me...I'm just another person who happens to be in his life.
For whatever reason, though, he has been very significant in my life. I didn't ask him to be. He just sort of showed up one day. He called me. Now, although he's still around sometimes, he's stopped calling, stopped texting. I don't like it. I know I have to just accept it, he's not the friend I hoped he would be, he'll probably disappear sooner rather than later, and it's okay...I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.
The Artist is close, and getting closer...I don't worry about losing him. I don't question his loyalty or wonder if he truly cares. We've talked about it. He lets me know that I'm significant to him. He cares, and he understands my sporadic need for reassurance. We've had our rough moments but we always work through them quickly. The Artist gets "true friendship" and I'm inexplicably grateful for that.
I'm trying to be grateful for what I have and not be disappointed with what I don't have. I'm trying to be grateful for the time I have with people and the influence they have on my life and not worry about when they will not longer be around.
Friendship may be fleeting and end in abandonment most of the time, but it's worth the risk and heartbreak of trying to find those few who stay.
People Matter Most
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