06 November 2012

let the future be what it will be

Sometimes I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy.  I allow fear and the past to taint the present and cause anxiety for the future.  The good thing about this time is that I am recognizing it.  I'm aware of my thoughts and fears, I know their sources and although I'm not entirely sure how to conquer them yet, I have the support and the understanding to push through and (hopefully) avoid self sabotage this time.

About a year ago, maybe just over, I decided I wasn't going to allow new men into my personal life as just friends.  I would date or I would hang out with the guy friends I already had, or I would be without masculine company.  The basic reason for this decision, without going into too much detail is that I'm tired of always being the friend and never the girlfriend/fiance/wife.  I'm tired of the blurry line of deep emotional intimacy, date-like hang outs and flirtations without the intention of romantic pursuit.  I'm tired of being the amateur physician to the emotionally unavailable or the crutch to the emotionally wounded.  Too often I have been the (for all intents and purposes) unacknowledged "stand-in girlfriend" (generally lacking the physical intimacy, though at times there has been a certain extent of "friends with benefits" which I try to avoid) until they find someone else they would like to be a legitimate girlfriend.  I want to be the legitimate girlfriend, not just the constant companion until something "better" comes along.  I am something better and I don't understand why these silly boys can't see it!

Anyway, the trouble is that it's often my best qualities that get me tangled up in these less than ideal situations.  My compassion, empathy, loyalty, understanding and acceptance, kindness, enthusiasm, reasonable attractiveness, and willingness to listen attract men to me who have been recently hurt, rejected, discouraged, in need of encouragement or support, or emotional healing.  By nature I am a little overly affectionate and supportive.  I want to heal the world with love and hugs.  I know I tend to be a little morbid, dark and depressing in my writing sometimes, but I'm really a hearts, stars, flowers, rainbows and unicorns type of girl.  I'm sensitive and tender hearted and I just want to love everyone in the world until everyone is happy.  Maybe that would be fine if I didn't have my own needs and deficiencies, wounds and discouragements.  I have often prayed that I could be so filled with God's love that I don't feel my own need and can focus on the needs of others without risking harm to myself or depletion of my own reservoirs.  I tend to give until there's nothing left for myself.  If some of those I give to give in return, it's okay, we take care of each other, that's good.  But when too many of the people I'm giving to give nothing in return and take more than I intended to give, I am left barren and wanting.

A couple years ago my own troubles closed in on me and I locked up the giving part of myself.  I had to figure out how to take care of myself, refill my own reservoir (which was pretty much desert dry) before I could give anything to anyone.  The last few months seem to have brought a torrential rain and my water level is rising.  I have begun opening up, letting people in, allowing myself to hope and begin to trust and even search for lost dreams.  My compassion and empathy have revived and are ready and eager to reach out and serve and love and lend support and healing once again.


I didn't realize I was ready until the last week or so.  A newish friend made a bit of a grand entrance into my life and affection sort of suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere.  Sometimes my heart knows things before my brain (ok, most of the time) and that ridiculous, overly compassionate and eager heart charged forth with open arms and a welcoming embrace (too willing to lend fierce friendship, kindness and affection to one in need) completely disregarding my previous decision to not allow new men into my personal life.  Dear heart, poor fool.  Everything was peachy keen at first, but then this weekend (after dwelling too much on the past that I'm still trying so hard to overcome and forget) my head caught up (it's really slow sometimes) and started screaming and throwing things to get my heart's attention.

"NO MORE GUY FRIENDS!" It shouted, "NO MORE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITH UNAVAILABLE MEN!!!  NO MORE FLIRTING OR SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME CARING AND GIVING AND FORMING ATTACHMENTS!!!  NO MORE REPEATING THE PAST!"

Ugh...

Thankfully I have a dear and wonderful best friend who is an expert in my life and the affairs of my heart and mind.  I turned my fears and confusions and frustrations over to her and she called my faculties back to their senses. 

The future is not the past.  I do not need to know in this moment where/when/how the beginning will end.  I do not yet need to know his mind or intentions.  Set boundaries, not fortress walls.  Be cautious but not fearful.  Love, care, give, be involved, even connect and share, but not all at once, not with the full intensity of that dear vivacious heart.  Do not try to predict the future, only enjoy the present.  It is okay to be friends.  It is also okay to be open to other possibilities.  It is okay...

I understand that this all probably sounds completely insane to most people who might be reading.  On the other hand, perhaps a few of you who have been reading my blog for a while and have read previous ramblings and know all the ridiculous episodes I've been through with friends and more-than-friends of the masculine variety, might understand why this is such an event for me.

So newish friend, if you've read this and don't think I'm completely off my rocker, please be patient with me as I find my footing.  I know your steps are uncertain as well, so perhaps we can lend a little stability to each other as we tread a similar path for a while.

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