I have to start by mentioning that Bestest Friend has been really good about keeping in touch, she checks up on me at least every other day. She knows I need her right now and even though it's not face time, it's still better than nothing...it's enough and I am grateful!
Now to the real point of the post. Shygirl and I went to the stake musical review show thing the other night (very good, by the way) and kicked ourselves the whole time for being to cowardly to audition. It would have been such fun and we need to stop hiding our talents and all so we decided we were going to start doing things. I think my determination is a little stronger than hers, but then I'm a bit more outoing than she is. The point is, I joined my ward choir! And I made Shygirl come with me to stake choir as well...we'll be singing at stake conference next month.
I have always loved singing and I'm not too bad (if I do say so myself, which I have to because very few others have heard me sing). This way I am improving my talent, getting involved, meeting new people, and praising the Lord! Good times :-) I'm really happy with my decision.
Along with joining the choirs, I decided I probably ought to start going to more ward functions so I can meet people and feel like I'm more a part of the ward. So, The Artist talked me into going to ward prayer tonight. I have not been to a ward prayer in a very long time. It's been nearly two years, I think. I used to have such fun at ward prayer, but that was back in the day with all those phenominal friends I used to have (back in the hugging days of living at the institute).
I mainly hung out with The Artist tonight. I did talk with a few other people, but I stayed by The Artist's side the whole night. Mainly because there wasn't anyone there more interesting. I promise it wasn't out of fear or anything like that. At least I went. I'm putting forth the effort, eh? ;-)
The Artist and I have been friends for quite a while. We used to have great, lengthy, deep conversations but it's been a while since we've just hung out and talked. We parked on different sides of the building so he walked me to my car, where we ended up staying and talking for a good hour or hour and a half. We talked about all sorts of things, mostly relationships and the lessons we've learned and how far we've come and new insights gained and such. I love those conversations: complete, honest, personal, and sincere; when you open up to another person and make a connection because you realize that you're so alike. I discovered tonight (well, I knew it before so I guess I just rediscovered) that he and I are not just soul friends, we're soul twins. We're like the same person only in different bodies...but our souls are almost identical in a lot of ways so we really understand each other. It's fun when that happens because you feel like someone else actually does know what you mean! It was good, something I really needed.
I feel a little better now. I still don't have the answers I'm searching for but at least I feel up and motivated. Time to progress some more! Each day I feel a little different. Each day I see that I'm not who I've been the last two years, I'm much better and much more than that sad, bitter, pathetic, defective wretch that I was. I'm happier, motivated, open, affectionate and ready to face the world head-on. I'm ready (and willing and eager) to live! Finally!
19 October 2009
17 October 2009
when the words come
well, it's not 2am and it's not what i was supposed to be writing but it was what i needed to write. i'm just in ecstasy that i'm writing at all!
honestly, i have not been myself for a very long time. i know i'm not myself when i can't write. i have been writing poetry and stories since i was 16 years old and never in my life have i had such trouble for so long a time as i've had the last two years. i know bobpi thought it was him. i know he was sad that he couldn't inspire me to write. i'm so much more than overjoyed to announce that my inability to write had absolutely no connection to him. i was not myself.
when i am not myself i can't do any of the normal things that i love to do.
not only was i not myself, i was in the process of destroying a lot of what i had become. bobpi held me together in a way i didn't even realize until now...now that i've reconstructed myself. i threw away most of the trash. i have been in the process of a massive remodeling. seriously, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has absolutely nothing on me. i demolished the shack of my heart, my mind, my life until i found the foundation. the foundation was strong and firm and immovable as it should be...but everything above it was infested with termites and other insects and vermin. the walls were cracked and peeling, the wood was splintered, and the windows were so dirty that no one could see in and i could not see out. the doors were all rusted shut.
dear bobpi dug a tunnel into my hiding place and then helped me to knock down the walls and start to rebuild. i don't know why i had to finish it on my own. i don't know why the new deed couldn't have had his name on it as well. only God and the future know the answer to that. but i'm patient, i can wait for understanding.
until then, bobpi has a key and he is welcome any time he wants to visit. i hope he does visit often so he can come to know the real me; he didn't know me before. but then, somehow i think he knows me, deep down in his soul friend heart, and that's why he's still around.
right now i sit on the front porch swing (figuratively, it's too cold to sit out there now at 1:30am) and wrap myself in gratitude for all the blessings in my life. my heart has been healed, my eyes have been opened so i can see more clearly than ever before. i am grateful that i have friends who stand by me and love me no matter how awful the anti-me was to them. i am grateful for the lessons i've learned. i am grateful that instead of killing me, they have made me stronger, and continue to do so.
i'm still in the process of rediscovering myself, but i'm starting to get a pretty good idea of who i want to be, and who i really am. i am a writer of poetry and long, rambling self-discovery prose. i am imaginative and enthusiastic. i'm perky (but not in an obnoxious way). i'm not really different from those around me but i do have some quirks (generally endearing until bobpi tells me otherwise ;-) haha). i am a friend to the friendless, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. i am fun and will strive to be outgoing. i am kind and understanding. i am intelligent, loyal, determined and generally fantastic!
i am me: Laura Elizabeth Funk
p.s. i think i may have one idea as to why i had to finish things myself. once the house was destroyed and most of the rebuilding was done i had to go through the news house by myself and become acquainted with myself. this is a deeply personal and spiritual experience and can only be done alone. i can not share my house, my heart, my life, with someone else until I am completely settled into it. it's unwise to go into marriage if you do not know yourself first.
honestly, i have not been myself for a very long time. i know i'm not myself when i can't write. i have been writing poetry and stories since i was 16 years old and never in my life have i had such trouble for so long a time as i've had the last two years. i know bobpi thought it was him. i know he was sad that he couldn't inspire me to write. i'm so much more than overjoyed to announce that my inability to write had absolutely no connection to him. i was not myself.
when i am not myself i can't do any of the normal things that i love to do.
not only was i not myself, i was in the process of destroying a lot of what i had become. bobpi held me together in a way i didn't even realize until now...now that i've reconstructed myself. i threw away most of the trash. i have been in the process of a massive remodeling. seriously, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has absolutely nothing on me. i demolished the shack of my heart, my mind, my life until i found the foundation. the foundation was strong and firm and immovable as it should be...but everything above it was infested with termites and other insects and vermin. the walls were cracked and peeling, the wood was splintered, and the windows were so dirty that no one could see in and i could not see out. the doors were all rusted shut.
dear bobpi dug a tunnel into my hiding place and then helped me to knock down the walls and start to rebuild. i don't know why i had to finish it on my own. i don't know why the new deed couldn't have had his name on it as well. only God and the future know the answer to that. but i'm patient, i can wait for understanding.
until then, bobpi has a key and he is welcome any time he wants to visit. i hope he does visit often so he can come to know the real me; he didn't know me before. but then, somehow i think he knows me, deep down in his soul friend heart, and that's why he's still around.
right now i sit on the front porch swing (figuratively, it's too cold to sit out there now at 1:30am) and wrap myself in gratitude for all the blessings in my life. my heart has been healed, my eyes have been opened so i can see more clearly than ever before. i am grateful that i have friends who stand by me and love me no matter how awful the anti-me was to them. i am grateful for the lessons i've learned. i am grateful that instead of killing me, they have made me stronger, and continue to do so.
i'm still in the process of rediscovering myself, but i'm starting to get a pretty good idea of who i want to be, and who i really am. i am a writer of poetry and long, rambling self-discovery prose. i am imaginative and enthusiastic. i'm perky (but not in an obnoxious way). i'm not really different from those around me but i do have some quirks (generally endearing until bobpi tells me otherwise ;-) haha). i am a friend to the friendless, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. i am fun and will strive to be outgoing. i am kind and understanding. i am intelligent, loyal, determined and generally fantastic!
i am me: Laura Elizabeth Funk
p.s. i think i may have one idea as to why i had to finish things myself. once the house was destroyed and most of the rebuilding was done i had to go through the news house by myself and become acquainted with myself. this is a deeply personal and spiritual experience and can only be done alone. i can not share my house, my heart, my life, with someone else until I am completely settled into it. it's unwise to go into marriage if you do not know yourself first.
13 October 2009
I may have changed my mind again. Perhaps I don't want to go into publishing...I wish I could decide what I really want to do, it would do wonders for the job search! *Sigh*
In more decided news, of the three poems I submitted to Epiphany, they chose "Jaded"! I'm being published in an official college literary journal! It's not much, but it's a start :-)
Maybe I should be a writer after all...hmmm.
In more decided news, of the three poems I submitted to Epiphany, they chose "Jaded"! I'm being published in an official college literary journal! It's not much, but it's a start :-)
Maybe I should be a writer after all...hmmm.
09 October 2009
God is watching out for me!
I've been stressed because I still have not found a job and my student loan hasn't come through yet and I have my school and car payments coming through this weekend. I didn't know what to do and I have been praying my heart out for something to help me out. Today I received a check for $218.44 from an insurance or retirement plan I didn't even know I had with the CU. It's not enough to pay all my bills but it is enough to boost my spirits and assuage some of my stress...and strengthen my testimony. It's going to be ok! Somehow things will work out!
02 October 2009
So Happy Together!
The Happy Couple
Who's taller? ;-)
A bit of an exhausting day!
The Cake Topper Photo
"She was a the bride of my dreams"
Her faithful "Ladies in Waiting"
I'm so happy that she is so happy! Not a hint of jealousy at all today! I'm just grateful that I was able to be with my Bestest Friend on her wedding day. She is so beautiful and her husband (so weird to call him that) is so handsome. They are a perfect match in every way! The day was like a fairy tale or a dream...perfect, completely perfect! They are so happy and they will have a wonderful life together. The temple ceremony was beautiful and the dinner with close friends and family was a lot of fun.
All of Bestest Friend's family kept telling me it is my turn next. They want to sign me up for online dating...I said no thanks! When the time is right things will work out. I'm happy. I'm pursuing the right course (finally). I am becoming the best I can be so that I'll be ready when the love meant for me comes around again. I think Shygirl needs me to be single with her a little while longer. My goal is to find her a worthy and wonderful gentleman first. Once I know she's taken care of, then I'll focus on finding someone for myself (not that I'll turn him away if he comes sooner).
I'm open, progressing, and ready for love!
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