25 January 2013

all i ever wanted

love. all i want, all i have ever wanted, all i will ever want is love. one person who loves me more than anyone or anything; one person to confide in, to trust with my heart and my everything; one person i can always depend on and who always depends on me. i'm not sure he exists. have bought too much into the fairy tales and chick flicks? do i ask too much? probably.

over the years i've collected bits and pieces of my ideal husband, through boyfriends and boys who are just friends. will i have to content myself with memories of this patchwork kind of love? i'm grateful for the good with which i've been blessed, i know i don't focus enough on the good arts of the relationships i've had. i focus too much on what i lack or on what has hurt me instead of on what has brought happiness to my life...fleeting though it has been. love is all i've ever wanted and i don't know how to be lastingly happy without it.

i have learned to surround myself with friends who help to bridge the chasm, they make me smile, give me reasons to keep trying, keep hoping there's more than the monotony and heartbreak of life. i adore my friends and am so grateful for them, but there are some crevices they cannot fill, some aches they cannot soothe, some needs they cannot relieve.

tonight as i lie in the dark, staring into the loneliness of night, i miss that ever illusive love of my life more than i have in a long time. for quite a while i convinced myself that he didn't exist.  three years alone will do that to a person...but recently i've let myself daydream again, little by little i've let hope creep back in.  with the hope come the heartache and reality of lack and want.  i'd like to let myself believe i'm getting close...but do i dare?  i don't know.  as usual, only time will tell.

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