what is love? is it timing? is it endurance? is it feeling or physical attraction or emotional and intellectual intimacy? is it words or actions?
love isn't one or another i suppose, it's a combination of a lot of things...
for me, love takes time. i can count on one hand the people i tell on a regular basis that i love them. i have a very difficult time saying the words. even if i feel it, i don't often say it. i know it's important for people to hear, i try to let people know how i feel about them, but my heart is basically locked in a fortress and i'm extremely cautious about who i trust with access. after all i've been through, my heart is not free to truly love until i am certain the other heart is also free and willing and able to love me completely.
after the weasel, then Bobpi, it took time for me to find myself. i didn't know how to be alone. i hadn't been alone, just me, in a long time. i didn't know who i was before i was with them, so who i became with them was not truly me, it was some warped version i formed from who i thought they wanted me to be. after they were gone, it took time to recover, then more time to find my true self. i see now that being alone was good for me at the time. of course, while i was alone, all i wanted was to be with someone, anyone just so i wouldn't be alone.
just as i was finally adjusting to being content on my own, someone new showed up. i had begun the process of finding myself, but it wasn't complete. he came out of nowhere. he came quickly and took me off guard (in some ways) and completely on guard (in other ways). i let myself get lost in him for a moment, then realized i was losing myself and backed off a bit. the situation surrounding his current life is tenuous and precarious. he told me the other day that he doesn't know who he is anymore. i'm not sure how to love someone i don't know...and how can i know someone who doesn't know himself?
generally, i care very deeply for him, the parts of him i have come to know anyway, but it is going to take a lot more time for me to know him enough to truly and deeply love him...and for me to trust him when he says he loves me. i believe he wants to love me, and perhaps he does to some degree, but real, true, lasting love takes time and effort and endurance.
i've been super stressed for the last couple of months, and anyone who knows me knows i do not handle stress well. since the holidays ended, i've finally had a little time to decompress. i've been going nonstop for months and so when i finally had a moment to stop and catch my breath, i got sick.
he's super stressed right now because he has to move by the end of the week. i can't help him...but only partially because i'm sick...partially because...it feels like something he needs to do without me. i'm not part of that life. i have no need or desire to be part of that life. i've been working on leaving the past behind me, and focusing on the present and the future. i don't need to know every detail of who he was in order to love who he is or who he will be. i know enough. he may need to sort through where he's been, but i've done enough of sorting through my own past, i can't help him without losing myself. i'll help him with the future, but only after he's taken a few more steps into the present and away from the past. it's all a little too complicated right now.
i don't know where to stand or quite how to love just yet. i'm willing to give it time.
No comments:
Post a Comment