Yesterday began with a nasty computer virus. $170 later I walked out of Best Buy praying Geek Squad would fix the problem and return my computer quickly.
I don't have $170 to spend on random viruses that I don't even how how I got it. I don't have money to pay my bills next month. I don't have money to fix my car that is in need of repair and therefore I'm terrified that it will break down on me in the middle of the road. I don't have the money I need because I'm a college student and haven't had a job in over a year.
Yesterday I talked with my parents, trying to talk myself out of freaking out over not having money, trying to figure out what to do about finding a job. I've applied a lot of places, I've interviewed a couple of places, but nothing has come together. I keep praying, trying to understand where I need to be, what I need to do. The answers I keep getting are, "You are where you need to be, you're doing what you need to do." So I pray, "Ok, then it's in your hands. Please bless me with what I need to get by. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and I'm leaving the rest in your hands."
Last night I went to the temple with Hey-Pay and a few other ward members. I could have been doing homework or looking for a job or any number of other things, but I knew that was where I needed to be. I needed to be with people, serving God and my brothers and sisters.
Today I had trouble waking up but I got up and went to school. During my off hour I wrote the paper I didn't write last night and turned it in on time. It's not the best paper I've written but I'm doing well enough in this class that I don't think it'll be a problem. Just as the train pulled into Salt Lake Central station my phone rang. It was the bookstore where I interviewed a week and a day ago. They offered me the job. It's seasonal and I have to put on my salesperson hat, but it's enough. It should be low-stress and it should give me the money I need to get by. It's the location I was hoping for because they close earlier than the other stores so I'll still have time to do homework or go out and play with friends after my shift if they have me work evenings.
I came home and took a coconut bubble bath.
Tonight I went to a Murder Mystery dinner with a Disco theme. It was so much fun! We all dressed up in Disco-type apparel and acted our parts to expose the murderer. I ended up being the murderer, which was fun for my first time. I'm grateful that I was included in this somewhat exclusive and extremely entertaining event! I am grateful for the friends I have and that I'm invited to fun activities such as tonight.
So many good things are finally coming together in my life. I'm so grateful for my blessings.
And yet...I'm sitting here on the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been so happy the last few weeks. This week has been rough because of a little PMS, but once I realized that's what it was, I could handle it better and with a more rational perspective. I've been so happy recently and I just want it to continue...but I'm terrified it's all going to come crashing in again. I don't know how to believe that happiness can be a way of life, not just a fleeting moment. I don't know how to believe that good things can come without negative consequences. I'm working on it though. I've had too many years of the negative consequences. If there truly is "an opposition in all things" like the scriptures say, it's about time for the positive side of the opposition to kick in...including a really amazing relationship. I'm working on it.
It's been a difficult year. I'm grateful that it has gone by so quickly. I'm grateful for all the healing and progressing this year has brought. I'm grateful for the blessings of friendships and opportunities. I'm grateful for the time I've been allowed to recover, regroup, and renew myself. I'm a better and stronger person than I've ever been before. I see what's truly important in life. I see what is necessary and what is optional, and that sometimes it's what is optional that is most necessary.
I'm so grateful that things are finally looking up!
Congratulations on the job. I kind of understand the struggle. My husband has been in need of a 'real' job for a while now too (he got laid off from his last job right before Thanksgiving last year), but he's had paid internships which makes it easier than it would be otherwise. I hope things work out for you there and you'll like it.
ReplyDeleteMay I offer my thoughts on one thing you said: "I don't know how to believe that good things can come without negative consequences." Something I've been learning this year through our struggles is that the negative is not the consequence. Negative happens, yes, but it's not a consequence of good things. And remember, God will never give you trials that you can't endure and won't make you stronger. Love you! Keep your chin up.