look into my eyes

even in the best of relationship circumstances i tend to be skittish and hesitant.  one therapist told me i have PTSD, mostly from the weasel, but also from my relationship with my parents from childhood.  i am emotionally distressed; needy and anxious and terrified.  so, last week when he was stressed and distant, my anxiety and history kicked in and i panicked.  when i panic that way, my vision goes blurry and all i see is the lie that fills in between the lines of truth.  i did my best to convince myself of the truth, that he still cares, that he was just taking care of things and then he'd be back to normal...but my heart wouldn't believe my head.  it's been months since i've felt so depressed and so sad. 

he makes me happier than i have been in a long time.  which is why i've been resisting and trying to find reasons to not like him.  i'm afraid to love anyone...but then once i do love them, i'm terrified to lose them.  this week i realized that i do love him and so i am distraught over the idea of being without him. 

last night i saw him for the first time in a week.  his stress level had decreased so he was in a much better attitude.  i, on the other hand, still felt like he was gone and not wanting me anymore.  the moment i saw him i knew i was wrong, but it took a while for me to drop my guard again and let him hold me.  i could feel his desire.  i could feel him reaching out, wanting to take me in his arms or hold my hand, but i couldn't let him.  i wanted to talk first.  i wanted to tell him how afraid i was, how hurt i felt, how sorry i was for starting the whole mess in the first place...but other people were there so i couldn't say anything.  half way through the movie i couldn't keep my distance anymore and i leaned into him, let him wrap his arms around me. 

i can't go a week without being with the one i love.  i can't go days without him or my brain goes fuzzy and i begin to doubt and fear and panic.  i finally learned to trust Will, so even though i haven't seen him in a month, i know he's still my friend and that he still cares about me.  but it took a lot of time and conversation and drama to get there.  i don't trust easily.  i don't trust quickly.  i try, i do the best i can, but it takes time and consistency.  i'm a brat and a hassle and i'm not worth loving (after all i put people through) and yet, every once in a while i find someone who does love me, despite all my quirks and trauma and drama.  Bestest Friend and Will have conquered the gauntlet.  i have two hopes with this new fella: i hope i can restrain myself from putting him through the extent of my psychosis, and i hope that whatever i do thrust upon him, he will take it in stride, forgiving me and loving me all the more along the way.  and i will do my best to offer the same to him, whatever his idiosyncrasies and traumas may be.

when will i ever learn?

it was largely my fault. he didn't let me help and barely talked to me all week because he was being considerate of what he thought was my feelings. i had changed my mind, but evidently didn't explain that to him. so it was all a big misunderstanding initiated my things i said. my stupid fear and selfishness. i'm so sorry dearest.

from this i have learned that i need to be more brave...and perceptive of how he receives things i say and do. also that prolonged silence is an indication that i need to make him talk to me until i understand what he's not wanting to say.  and, he is a good man, though we both need to work on our communication.

something else i discovered is that i do love him and i don't like being without him.  that scares me. like i said, being alone is easier...but i don't want to be alone, even if it is easier.  so, as usual, i don't know what to do. sigh

too little, too late?

it was after 6pm before i heard from him today. really? i know he was super busy all day, it was moving day...but he could have sent a good morning text before he started...at least a "thanks" or a smile in response to my "good luck" text this morning. better yet, he could have let me help him move. i offered, told him to say when, but he wanted nothing to do with me all week. so how am i to believe him when he says he wants to see me?...after he's done unpacking. why does unpacking come before someone he claims to love? i'm panicking and in great need of affection and reassurance, and yet boxes of stuff are more important?

i've tried to be understanding and patient with his carelessness and insensitivity, i know he's been stressed...but i don't really understand why. there must be more to the situation than just a week of packing and moving. i packed and moved myself all in one day, a couple of times, without any help at all...true he had a houseful of stuff and i only ever had a couple of rooms worth, but it's all just stuff.

it's been a really rough year so far. illness, stress, heartbreak...and it's not even the end of January yet. i hope it can only go up from here. i really think i'm due a good year.  it's been a while. i guess the one good thing is that i'm finally starting to write again. sorry it's been so depressed and plaintive.  i'll work on coming up with something more positive or entertaining to write about in the near future. so sorry, but thank you for listening.

turn around, bright eyes

he said he missed me. he said he wished he could stop by and give me the embrace i needed...it was within his power to do so, and yet, he did not see it that way, so i remained unhugged. but not alone.
my dear girl friends were there for me, without even realizing the unrest bubbling inside of me. they love me. they remind me that i'm not alone. they make me laugh and all but forget the trouble and heartache.

of course, his texts helped a little too. except that i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what i was aloud to say. i still don't know when i'll see him, when things will be again as they were not a week ago. it was comforting to be told that he was thinking of me and missed me. i was convinced he wanted nothing more to do with me. i don't know what to think, or feel, or do. so i'll wait for his cue.

silence

i guess i'm working on my patience. at least he said good morning...haven't heard from him at all otherwise. i should have had him stop by last night. a hug would help. really, a word, just one or two would help. sudden silence leaves me with too many questions, too much insecurity. will he disappear? will he talk to me again? when? days? weeks? months? i never know. not knowing hurts.

would being alone be better than this uncertainty? would being alone hurt less...or more?
"life is pain" so is love....

all i ever wanted

love. all i want, all i have ever wanted, all i will ever want is love. one person who loves me more than anyone or anything; one person to confide in, to trust with my heart and my everything; one person i can always depend on and who always depends on me. i'm not sure he exists. have bought too much into the fairy tales and chick flicks? do i ask too much? probably.

over the years i've collected bits and pieces of my ideal husband, through boyfriends and boys who are just friends. will i have to content myself with memories of this patchwork kind of love? i'm grateful for the good with which i've been blessed, i know i don't focus enough on the good arts of the relationships i've had. i focus too much on what i lack or on what has hurt me instead of on what has brought happiness to my life...fleeting though it has been. love is all i've ever wanted and i don't know how to be lastingly happy without it.

i have learned to surround myself with friends who help to bridge the chasm, they make me smile, give me reasons to keep trying, keep hoping there's more than the monotony and heartbreak of life. i adore my friends and am so grateful for them, but there are some crevices they cannot fill, some aches they cannot soothe, some needs they cannot relieve.

tonight as i lie in the dark, staring into the loneliness of night, i miss that ever illusive love of my life more than i have in a long time. for quite a while i convinced myself that he didn't exist.  three years alone will do that to a person...but recently i've let myself daydream again, little by little i've let hope creep back in.  with the hope come the heartache and reality of lack and want.  i'd like to let myself believe i'm getting close...but do i dare?  i don't know.  as usual, only time will tell.

misunderstanding

he said some things tonight that really hurt.  daggers.  little daggers, but even small cuts hurt.  he said he didn't mean it the way he said it, which is probably true.  maybe i'm tainting the present with the past.  maybe i'm overly sensitive from being so stressed and sick for so long.  maybe i'm afraid, or self sabotaging (as i am apt to do), or putting up defenses of my own.  all i know is that his sudden "distance" (expected and warned against though i may have been, he did not explain what it meant or what it would look like) hurts and feels a lot like what other guys have done before; there when it's convenient, gone when it suits him regardless of how it affects me.  i dropped my defense and reached out to aid his need, just to have my offer coldly and unceremoniously rejected.  no explanation, no kindness to buffer the blow.  there are ways of saying "i need time away from you" without making the other person feel rejected, neglected, unwanted, unnecessary, unloved.

it's like a switch was suddenly flipped and everything changed.  he was so affectionate and attentive and constantly wanting me...then suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, i was a bother instead of the balm i could have been.  i can be very useful in situations where time is short and organization is necessary.  i know, at first i was afraid and selfish and said i couldn't help...i didn't even give him a chance to ask for help before i told him i couldn't.  when i realized i was acting out of fear i tried to correct my mistake, but it backfired and i got hurt. 

it really scares me and my initial instinct is to run away.  i want to give him back his wii and tell him to not talk to me again.  i'm so tired of being hurt by people who claim to love me.  i understand that this time it's unintentional.  i understand that he thought he warned me and he didn't realize that pulling way like he has this week would hurt me so much.  i tried not to let it get to me because i know he's having a terribly hard time right now.  i didn't communicate my feelings and he didn't communicate his.

i'm not going to run.  i'm not going to ask him to vacate my life.  i'm going to step back, give him space and time...and silence, now that i understand that's what he wanted but didn't ask for...and i'll wait.  this can't happen again, not this way, or i will walk away, but i can't send him packing over one misunderstanding. 

he is not the weasel.  he is not the other scumbags i've kicked out of my life.  he's a good man with a heart that has been strained and wounded.  he's a good man who has been kicked around and beat up by life a little too much this past year.  he's a good man who maybe hasn't had great experience with communicating on a personal level.  he's a good man, and that's the important part.  he's a good man and recently he's been my good man and i'm grateful for his goodness. 

i really care about him and it's really hard for me to see someone i really care for struggling and not be able to help them.  i can heal, i can soothe, i can fill emptiness and give comfort and encouragement.  i help people by loving them and understanding them and giving them what they need in order to move through what they are currently struggling with and onto better things and places.  this time i got lost in my own need.  it's so hard to create and maintain boundaries when my own heart and need get involved.  this is why i can't be a therapist.  sigh.

anyway, i'm feeling better about what happened between us tonight.  i guess i just needed to write it out so i could figure out exactly what caused the trouble and my somewhat irrational response. 

i miss Bestest Friend, i miss Will, and now i miss him too...i'm too distant, too far removed from love and affection and my sources of comfort and i panicked.  my abandonment issues and fear of losing those i love and being always alone took hold and i didn't deal with it very well.  i responded emotionally instead of logically...mostly...i took some time to temper my response, so it wasn't explosively emotional like it could have been. 

perhaps i should have posted this in my therapy blog instead of publicly...please let me know if i've shared too much.  i needed a friend tonight and none were available, so here i am, writing to the void once again.  thanks for listening dear void.

when i'm wrong

he's stressed and in a rough moment in life, i understand that and i'm trying to convince myself not to take personally his sudden stiffness. no "i love you" last night. no "morning beautiful" this morning. does he stop loving when life gets rough...or does he just lose the ability to express what he still feels?

or was it even love to begin with?

he's held on through my wishy-washy hesitations, through pms and illness...seems like love.  guess it's my turn to be patient and loving until he comes back around.  he won't let me help him, maybe because i said i couldn't.  i realized i was being stupid and cowardly and selfish. i forgot to be a friend...not just a lover.  i'll be better about that in the future. at least i'll try.

what is love? baby don't hurt me...

what is love? is it timing? is it endurance? is it feeling or physical attraction or emotional and intellectual intimacy? is it words or actions?

love isn't one or another i suppose, it's a combination of a lot of things...

for me, love takes time. i can count on one hand the people i tell on a regular basis that i love them. i have a very difficult time saying the words. even if i feel it, i don't often say it. i know it's important for people to hear, i try to let people know how i feel about them, but my heart is basically locked in a fortress and i'm extremely cautious about who i trust with access. after all i've been through, my heart is not free to truly love until i am certain the other heart is also free and willing and able to love me completely.

after the weasel, then Bobpi, it took time for me to find myself. i didn't know how to be alone. i hadn't been alone, just me, in a long time. i didn't know who i was before i was with them, so who i became with them was not truly me, it was some warped version i formed from who i thought they wanted me to be. after they were gone, it took time to recover, then more time to find my true self. i see now that being alone was good for me at the time. of course, while i was alone, all i wanted was to be with someone, anyone just so i wouldn't be alone.

just as i was finally adjusting to being content on my own, someone new showed up. i had begun the process of finding myself, but it wasn't complete. he came out of nowhere. he came quickly and took me off guard (in some ways) and completely on guard (in other ways).  i let myself get lost in him for a moment, then realized i was losing myself and backed off a bit. the situation surrounding his current life is tenuous and precarious. he told me the other day that he doesn't know who he is anymore. i'm not sure how to love someone i don't know...and how can i know someone who doesn't know himself?

generally, i care very deeply for him, the parts of him i have come to know anyway, but it is going to take a lot more time for me to know him enough to truly and deeply love him...and for me to trust him when he says he loves me.  i believe he wants to love me, and perhaps he does to some degree, but real, true, lasting love takes time and effort and endurance.

i've been super stressed for the last couple of months, and anyone who knows me knows i do not handle stress well. since the holidays ended, i've finally had a little time to decompress. i've been going nonstop for months and so when i finally had a moment to stop and catch my breath, i got sick.
he's super stressed right now because he has to move by the end of the week. i can't help him...but only partially because i'm sick...partially because...it feels like something he needs to do without me. i'm not part of that life. i have no need or desire to be part of that life. i've been working on leaving the past behind me, and focusing on the present and the future. i don't need to know every detail of who he was in order to love who he is or who he will be. i know enough. he may need to sort through where he's been, but i've done enough of sorting through my own past, i can't help him without losing myself. i'll help him with the future, but only after he's taken a few more steps into the present and away from the past. it's all a little too complicated right now.

i don't know where to stand or quite how to love just yet. i'm willing to give it time.

i miss you

 writing is difficult. not that i have nothing to say, quite the opposite, really. the trouble is i currently do not feel at liberty to talk about any of it. i'm keeping secrets, which probably means i ought to make some changes...secrets are fun in theory, but stressful in actuality.

it's been weeks since i've talked with Bestest Friend or Will. they're my confidants, my conscience, my sanity; i'm too easily confused and overwhelmed without them. it's no one's fault, just life and being busy. i asked Will if we could have lunch...either he forgot or was just busy, but it didn't matter because i ended up working all day anyway.

i'm so tired of work. generally, i still love my job. i'd rather work with books than anything else, and i love my coworkers...but customers make me anxious and grouchy, and the pay is terrible. i really need to find something that pays better and offers benefits...but where? i don't have any desire for a career...i have no desire for a job at all...i should have been a mother by now, but i'm seriously doubting that will ever happen. i'm discouraged and exhausted and borderline hopeless at the moment. i know everything will get better. i know it's not as bleak as it feels...i just wish i could fast forward to the better parts and skip over some of the frustration and disappointment.

i miss writing.

i miss Bestest Friend.

i miss Will.

i miss...someone i don't think i've met yet, though i'm not sure exactly who or how to explain that.  i feel so lonely sometimes, though i try not to think about it.
i don't write because to write well, i have to feel it...but i don't want to feel. feeling nothing just seems more functional than feeling what i'm afraid i'll feel if i let the dam release.  i'm so conflicted.

i miss me...