for as long as i can remember i have wanted one thing. recently i've been obsessing over this one desire, and i'm nearly convinced it's a dream i need to give up. i've done everything i can to prepare myself and to open myself to receiving, but it's becoming less and less likely that my dream will ever be realized. i need to find a new dream.
i've been trying to figure out what else i've ever wanted. the only other dream i can come up with is to be an artist. i don't have raw, innate, indisputable talent in any particular medium, but i have potential in many areas (if i work hard enough). my dear friend Rainie keeps telling me that i need to write a book. my parents have told me for years that i should pursue photography. i've taken art classes and some of my drawings weren't too bad. perhaps i should have been an art major...or at least minor. perhaps i could have done graphic design or something. i gave up on art because i didn't think i was good enough. i give up on a lot of things too quickly and easily.
ok, so i guess i shouldn't entirely give up on the dream that truly consumes my heart and most waking thoughts...but perhaps it's beyond time to push it to the back and pull another dream to the forefront for a while. it's at least something to think about. the one thing that has always held me back from pursuing art is the excessive cost...well, and the lack of confidence. but, with the encouragement of friends and family, perhaps i can conjure up enough confidence to find my place as an artist. i have the heart of an artist, and practically the lifestyle (struggling, penniless, prone toward the dramatic...you know).
tonight as i was driving home from a meeting on the east side, i maneuvered my car around a curve onto the freeway and as i came up over a rise, i saw the most beautiful scene in front of me. i wanted to stop my car right then and there, despite the danger of such a thing, so i could take a picture. of course i did not stop and therefore do not have a picture to show you. moments like this make me wish i were a painter. then, i could take a mental picture and transport it to a canvas, or at least poster board. something to work on.
the metallic yellow glow from the nearly setting sun burst through the clouds and cascaded down the darkening mountains, transforming the great salt lake into a reflecting pool of gold.
well, there's an attempt to illustrate in words, though it doesn't even come close to doing justice.
i don't know. i'll toy around with things and see what i can come up with. art is a dream i can achieve on my own. i don't require another person in order to create a masterpiece. i need nature, imagination, my camera, pen, paper, paint, clay...etc. i'm sure, though, if i do need some pointers or help in any way, The Artist, Will, Photo, and others will be willing to lend their learning and expertise. Photo said he'd go with me this weekend sometime to take some pictures...if the weather cooperates. maybe i'll try some sketches this weekend too.
i don't know. all i know is that i need something to be passionate about that doesn't involve other people. at least until i can figure out how to not need anything from anyone. i want to give. i want to love. i want to help others through their difficult times...but my need keeps getting in the way. maybe i just need to split my focus, make something else at least as important in my life as are people. i've got to find some passion, some purpose that is completely independent and reliant only on myself. i hope it's art. i hope i can come up with something worthwhile. i don't know what else to do.
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