it doesn't take much, really it doesn't. most of the time a real hug does the trick. a little time, face to face. a small act to show i matter. a moment of listening so i feel heard and important enough to be paid some attention. i get to feeling so insignificant, so invisible, so unnecessary and unwanted. i don't need a big fuss, just one person to really see me. it used to be Bestest Friend but she's so far away now, she has such little time for me, and we're not the same as we once were...she's a wife and mother and i'm still in such a different place. she'll always be very dear to me, but she's not the friend of whom i'm in such great need. then Will, but he's at least as far away as she these days. aside from the weasel (and i tried with Bobpi but he never understood me), they're about all i've ever let in to that place in my life. now Photo is there. i'm not sure how i feel about that...i want to trust him, to believe that he cares and won't leave...but everyone leaves...in one way or another, especially men. i need to get over my fear of being left and just accept that people do come and go...i just don't like feeling like i've been thrown away. i hope i never feel that again. i don't think Photo's that way. he's kind and generous and i believe he's sincere. i'm simply afraid of myself be close with anyone...but i lose myself completely if i don't let someone in. there's a lot of space to be filled and i'm grateful for anyone who is willing to occupy a part of it. i can't go on without genuine and caring...and available...people, they seem in such short supply these days.
my coworkers are kind. Cass and Rainie both took special notice of me today. they are like the aunts i never had and i appreciate that they want to help me. i wish i could really talk with them and explain what's really going on in me. Rainie was offering advice about my job search. all i felt when she was talking was exhaustion and discouragement, but i appreciate her thoughtfulness. it's nice to know people care and are concerned about my future and well being. i just wish i could figure it out so i can stop burdening others with my cares. i don't mean to be a burden, my worries just spill over sometimes when i can't contain them on my own anymore. i don't want to be the way i am, i just haven't yet figured out how to be different. i'm grateful for friends who care enough to stick around. i've taken care of so many people in their times of need, i sometimes wonder where they are when i need them...is it my fault for not asking? or are they just too busy to notice? i guess it doesn't really matter. eventually i overflow and/or someone notices and things get better.
i was on the edge the last week or so but Photo stopped by tonight and pulled me back. i haven't been physically alone...i'm not often physically alone...it's the emotional aloneness that really gets me. there are always people around but that doesn't mean that a connection is made. i need an anchor of some sort, someone to keep me centered and balanced...especially when i start to lose myself. but who? it should be God, right? i try...but i can't seem to develop that relationship adequately. sigh. i just don't know what to do, but i'm feeling a bit better than i have felt recently. i'm sorry for all the self pity and whining and such. i'll try...
No comments:
Post a Comment