03 April 2013

noctiphobia, isolophobia, monophobia

maybe it's not exactly fear of night, but nighttime is definitely no longer a good time for me.  i used to love the nighttime.  my mind was most clear and able to write.  i could be myself because no one else was around.  my imagination was my best friend.
now i'm anxious and restless and dead inside.  my imagination is my worst enemy, my mind is muddled and depressed and anxious.  during the day i'm mostly fine, content enough at least.  i can distract myself and keep busy.  i can interact with people and see that i'm not alone.  but at night i am alone, completely alone.  i can't fight it alone.  i don't want to be alone anymore.  i'm terrified of being alone forever and i don't know how to convince myself otherwise.  i'm afraid of nighttime because it's the time for sleeping but i can't sleep.  i'm afraid of nighttime because it's too long and not long enough so i'm always so tired.  i'm afraid of nighttime because it has betrayed me too many times.  i'm afraid of nighttime because no one is there, no one is around or available.

i am afraid of nighttime because i am afraid of being alone.

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