but it's in the middle of the night!

can't sleep. i've been having lots of strange and not awesome dreams recently. when i was a kid i had a lot of nightmares...that's where my insomnia started; i was simply afraid to go to sleep. so i would turn on some music and write or watch tv until i couldn't keep my eyes open. that was when i was in jr high and high school though. the bad dreams started when i was very little. i'd wake up crying or screaming in the night and couldn't sleep until i was safely tucked between my parents, lying on my side, facing dad's back with my hand on his shoulder. sometime i wish i were that little girl again so i wouldn't have to be so alone in the night.

in high school the nightmares got worse. i'd wake up paralyzed with fear, certain a dark presence was in my room. a kind seminary teacher who took an interest in my well being that semester suggested i read scriptures before i go to sleep and keep them beside my bed to use as a shield against unwanted nightly visitors. it helped. the nightmares diminished a bit. i still make sure i read at least a few verses before trying to sleep because when i try to sleep without reading it's well nigh impossible.  but even with the scriptures and prayers, i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping.

i have too much on my mind and no one to talk it out with. no one has time. all i ever want from anyone is a bit of their time...undivided attention. that goes back to childhood too; the emotional neglect i'm still struggling to forgive and make up for. no one has time for me these days. so i guess i'll just have to find a way to fill in on my own. right now i really wish i had someone to talk to...my heart is sad and aching and i need someone to remind me why i should hold on to the sliver of hope i'm still trying so hard to cling to. it would be so much easier just to let go.  if i ever do let go it'll be in the middle of the night...when i'm most alone and lonely.
i need a good hug and a listening friend...alas, i'm not really sure where to find either these days...or nights. oh well, i'll survive.