Understanding & Love

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”  ~ John Steinbeck

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 


A few months ago I opened a door that had been closed and deadbolted for nearly 7 years.  I did not rush into the decision.  Only after careful and prayerful consideration did I release the lock and grasp the dusty knob.  On the other side of the door stood a man eager for reconnection.  Every step I took hesitantly.  Old scars burned, reminding me to tread carefully.  But his words, so filled with apology and promise, soothed and softened and began to heal the wounds he'd so carelessly created so many years ago.  I sometimes wish the gashes and bruises and breaks were visible, like someone battered and kicked down stairs, then maybe he would have seen the damage and stopped.  But he cut and tore deeply and invisibly.  For reasons I will never understand, I loved him and let him.  I saw goodness in him, made excuses for his mistreatment.  He wasn't parented well, he had a rough childhood, a rough life, he wasn't taught love and compassion and understanding.  I love too easily, too deeply...especially those who are most in need of love and compassion.

He said that he had changed.  He said he wanted me in his life and he regretted all the hurt he had caused.  He said he would commit. He spoke often of our future together, as though being together for a long time was an inevitability.  He said he loved me.  He tried.  I know he tried.  In all his apparent affection and hope for the future, I got lost.  My fear of the past and the still aching scars kept me uncertain and holding back.  I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in the present, let alone continue with him into the future he imagined.  I couldn't keep up.  I couldn't explain my resistance.  I didn't want to hurt him with the hurt he'd caused me.  I wanted to forgive and forget and give the new us a chance.  But he did not understand and impatiently put me off.  It was too hard.  New relationships shouldn't be so hard.  But it wasn't a new relationship, only a new chapter in an old story.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't hear.  My inability to speak is a huge problem between us.  I try to say what I need to but the words don't come out right and he does not try to understand.  On the verge of spewing the words, explaining the circumstance, the conflict inside my heart, he silenced me.

A week ago he broke up with me.  In the moment it was a good break up.  He said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to just be friends.  I wanted that too, but as the following days evolved I became less certain of the possibility.  "Friendship" is a conflicting term for us.  My definition is very different than his.  So I told him I needed time to consider.  A few days away from him allowed me time to release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding for months.  Understanding flooded and revealed his best efforts and my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my hopes.  I had been so focused on the past and the future I forgot to just be and find joy in the moment.  I noticed too much what he wasn't doing that I forgot to recognize and appreciate the kind and loving things he did: remembering I don't like ice in my water, paying for dinner, walking me to my car, making sure I got home safely, holding me, trying to cheer me up when I was sad or stressed, organizing a weekly game night, killing a huge spider, always volunteering to drive, coming to movie night, holding my hand, giving me his wii when the previous ex took his back, taking me hiking and to soccer games, and so many other things.  They weren't what I asked so I forgot to see and recognize and praise.  On the outside I could see more clearly the way things should have gone.  But from the outside I also saw no way of going back. 

In an effort to move forward I said we could be friends. Knowing him and myself the way I do, I asked for a conversation.  In order for us to be friends in a way that is acceptable to us both, I need guidelines.  I need to know his perspective and I wanted him to understand mine.  Yesterday I asked for the conversation but I didn't explain what I wanted and he was less than enthusiastic so my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot to see the situation from his point of view. I needed to explain to him who I am and how I function...or malfunction sometimes so he (as a friend) would be patient and understanding until I could adjust to what we would become.  I wanted to give us time and space to build trust and learn to function and coexist.  We did not have the pleasant conversation I intended.  Instead, over text message, we both said things I regret.  We did not speak to understand, we did not speak from a place of compassion and kindness, we did not speak progressively. 

I do not understand how things rose and fell so entirely in such a short amount of time.  Everything moved so quickly and I couldn't keep up.  My intention at the beginning was to repair the past, find closure, and move forward with more positive and settled emotions and learn to let go.  Maybe I read too many books, watch too many movies and believe too steadily in wrapping things up in a matter of hours or pages.  Life isn't neat and tidy, people are flawed and not all conflicts can be resolved.  Best intentions are not always rewarded and sometimes all you can do after a fall is to crawl slowly until you are able to regain some sense of footing.  All I can do is accept that things will never be clean and pretty between us.  Whether we are active in each others lives or not he will always be a part of me and I will always hope and pray that life is being kind to him.  I have no idea where to go from here.  From the outside the answers may seem clear, but the situation on the inside is complicated and complex and not easily explained.  All I can do is be in the moment.  The past is gone, the future is uncertain.  I can function only a moment at a time, I can take life as it comes and do my best to keep up and make better decisions as I go.  And I can try harder to say what I need to say, seeking always to communicate from a place of understanding and love.

Grateful For...

Today is a good day.  It shouldn’t be. I should be overrun with anxiety because I’m waiting to hear from someone, waiting to be allowed to speak, waiting to know…but for reasons I’m not sure of, I’m only slightly nervous.  It seems that perspective and love are powerful forces.  Perhaps I’ll go into that a little more later, but while I’m feeling optimistic, I’m going to write about something else.

About a week and a half ago I was challenged by a dear friend to post on Facebook three things that I’m grateful for each day for one week.  Yesterday was the last day but today I am feeling overcome with gratitude and therefore, I am posting that gratitude here.

Today I am grateful for (in no particular order):

*        Today and this waiting place…regardless of what happens

*        Love, in all its forms, with all its possibilities and hopes and joys

*        Hamburgers

*        Education, both formal and informal

*        Books

*        Art

*        Movies and specific TV Shows

*        Kindness, Courtesy, General Consideration

*        Perspective

*        Music

*        Therapy, both formal and informal

*        Experience

*        Multiple chances to become better, to try again

*        Chuck

*        General Conference Talks

*        Forgiveness

*        Hope and Faith

*        Poetry

*        Photographs

*        Opportunities for communication

*        Nieces and Nephews

*        A house to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat

*        History

*        Hugs, Kisses, Cuddles, etc...

*        Travel, Beauty of the Earth and Sky

*        Family

*        Ketchup, Mustard, Barbeque Sauce

*        Ice Cream

*        Enough

*        Mistakes and opportunities to set things right

*        Plenty

*        Sweet Potato Fries

*        Netflix

*        Answered prayers

*        Blankets

*        Accessibility to so many resources

*        Employment

*        Teddy Bears and other cuddling creatures

*        Dr. Pepper

*        My car

*        Chocolate

*        Words! Words! Words!

*        Champ, the dog who made me love dogs

*        The Gospel of Jesus Christ

*        Scriptures

*        Temples

*        Patience, especially when others are patient with me

*        Friendlies

*        Coworkers: past and present…and future

*        Another new day to try again

*        Particular friends who have stood by me through some particularly difficult moments: Sarah, Zak, Dave, Heather, Rachelle, Brittany, Katie, Kristal, Brian, Natalie, Amy, Thomas, Tara, Crystal, Karen, Jason, James, Tasia, Erin, Jon, Christa, Laurel, Glenda, Eraine, Mary, Myelle, Jonathan, Todd, (and many others.  I’m sorry, my mind is blanking on names…If you feel like your name should be on this list, I assure you your name and acts of kindness are definitely written on my heart).

And so much more.  I am not grateful for the headache that is setting in, however, so I am going to end this now and go lie down.

Most of the Time

...I do just fine.

Life is good.
Friends and family are plentiful.
Music, art, movies, BOOKS!
Nature, space, air, sun, water.
Work, play, solitude and companionship.
Food, shelter, clothes, abundance.

The need sets in when it's late and I've felt too lonely too long.
The physical body gets weak and weary and affects the heart and mind.
The words flow too freely, releasing momentary sorrow and want.
The Void swallows them whole and leaves me less empty.
It's only every now and then because...

Most of the time
I do just fine

still searching

for as long as i can remember i have felt like someone is missing from my life.  a particular friend, a person with specific qualities and a degree of compassion and understanding that can just encompass me so entirely that i never feel hesitant to be myself.  i've come close a few times...but as i sit here, insomnia in full force and too many thoughts swirling around my brain, i wish i knew how to reach that person.  i need a friend to talk to about a specific confusion that i can't seem to sort out.  Bestest Friend doesn't have time...and she's too bias on the subject. i get defensive and disappointed when i try to talk to her.  i need some undivided attention and an indeterminate amount of time, neither of which she is able to give.  Will was really good at both for quite a while, and he's not bias, but he's in another state and i can't talk about this over the phone.  i talk to God, but i'm having trouble hearing any response...or even feeling like He's listening.  that's the main source of my discouragement right now...i feel like no one is listening, no one is hearing.  i need someone to see me because i feel so invisible.  i need someone to give what no one seems to have.  i just need some time, some attention, some understanding, some advice.  but who can give me what i seek?  most of the people i've talked to in the past are married and have children who take up all their time and attention.  they forget what it's like to be single and alone and in need of someone to just be there, focused and attentive.

Bestest Friend tried to get me to talk about it at intermission at her daughter's dance recital the other night.  then, when there were too many distractions for a conversation, she told me to call her.  two strikes and now i don't want to even try talking to her at all.  she knows me better than that.  she knows i can't talk about something so important over the phone or when she's distracted...maybe she doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation.  she doesn't understand...how could she not understand?  now i need a friend to talk me through two specific confusions and i can't talk to her because she is one of those confusions.  she's let me down when i need her most.  i'll forgive her, i always forgive her because she has forgiven me so much.  but right now it just hurts.  and i'm searching...always searching...

thank you, dear void, for listening when no one else will.

Content to Wander

What do you want to be when you grow up?

From my earliest memories, this question held one definitive answer for me.  A wife and a mother.  I was born with compassion, intuition, and an innate ability to nurture.  I had no doubt that I would be married  in my early 20s and raising a brood of fun-loving, creative, civilized, artistic, well-educated children for the majority of my life.  As you know, that's not at all what happened.

Instead of meeting the love of my life when I was five, growing up next door to each other, marrying when he returned from his mission, having 10 children and living happily ever after, I find myself single and pursuing a very different course through life.  Sometimes I think I'm only dreaming; like I'll awaken any moment and find I'm only 13 years old with my whole life ahead of me.  Or I'll roll over in bed and find that ever elusive love of my life lying there beside me, our crazy kids running in to pounce and kiss us awake.

But every morning I wake to the same solitary situation.  Until recently I thought that because my life doesn't look anything like I planned I must have taken a wrong turn, messed things up somehow somewhere along the way.  Maybe I should have gone to a different college; USU instead of SLCC, the U of U instead of Weber, skipped SUU altogether...or put more determination and heart into staying despite everything.  Maybe I should have been more courageous, figured out a different dream or goal, researched careers better, chosen a different major, different employment, different everything.

But, as I've submerged myself in nostalgia over the last couple of weeks, retracing the steps that brought me to where I am, I don't see "detour" or "do not enter" or "wrong way" road signs.  I have made some mistakes, but the major decisions were guided and correct.  For all I know the mistakes were part of the plan too.

On Sunday, while making small talk with a girl in my ward, the question, "what do you do?" came up, as it often does. My response, "I work at the CH Museum." Somewhat intrigued Stephanie then asked the usual follow-up, "what do you do there?" Brightly I say, "I work in the store."  Slightly crestfallen, but doing her best to cover, "Is that where you see yourself always working?"  Or something like that; I can't remember her exact words.  I haven't had that response before.  It caught me but I paused for only a moment.  "I don't really know.  I'll stay until it feels right to leave."  Then I explained about my initial ambition and my inability to predict my path or decide my progression more than a step at a time.  This feels right, nothing else does, so this is what I do.  I was prepared for her to scoff at the way I live my life, but again she surprised me by saying, "I wish I had that kind of faith."  What?  Faith?  I've just been wandering around, most of the time feeling lost and generally disappointed in my inability to climb the socially enforced ladders.

This conversation gave me a new perspective, the perspective I've been struggling for years to find.

I am where I need to be for now and when this is no longer the right place, the next place will become apparent.  All the schools, jobs, living situations, wards at church, etc. have been where I needed to be.  The friends, coworkers, teachers, wardies, and many of the acquaintances I've known and interacted with have been who I needed to know and interact with.  And the timing of each has always been specific.  My prayers are being answered.

I have been wandering, but those wanderings have not been as aimless as they seem.  Maybe someday I'll settle into a career, or finally have that family of my dreams.  But until then, I am content to wander.


I guess this explains why all of my favorite hymns have a common theme: faith to follow and trust in the Lord.

Lead, Kindly Light
Be Still, My Soul
How Firm a Foundation
I Need Thee Every Hour
Nearer, My God, To Thee
Master, the Tempest is Raging
I Know That My Redeemer Lives
I Stand All Amazed
How Great Thou Art