haulted

i want to write about it in a poem but i've been running from the rain for so long that now the flood overflows and washes the words away. i'd rather not write about it at all but if i don't deal with it i'll drown.


he spoke to me today, face to face, for the first time in...two months? three months? i wanted a conversation, calm and sincere in a lonely place. but the hallway was crowded and i couldn't look at him, could barely speak directly to him. my heart, trapped in a clenched and crushing fist, couldn't expand, couldn't turn to him...


he acted like it was normal, like we still talk all the time. he stopped talking to me months ago...he promised he wouldn't but he did. i know i said i forgive him. i want to forgive him, with all my heart i want to forgive him and let things be friendly when we see each other around, but he can't ignore me in private and pretend things are normal in public. it's a lie. it's like the guys who are all lovey-dovey when no one's around but close off when others are there. i've been there. i'm worth more than that.


i want us to be friends. that's all i've ever wanted. nothing else matters, only friendship matters. i said once that he and i were too stubborn to end things, i meant that in a good way, (hoping the friendship meant enough to us both to fight for it)... like when i used to say that my gramma was too stubborn to die. i guess i was wrong...all around. i'm stubborn enough to fight for what i care about; i don't give up until i have no other choice. but maybe that's it...he just didn't care. i don't think that's it...otherwise, why would he have tried to talk to me today?


it's nice to have a group of friends again. they noticed almost immediately and asked if i was ok. i told them i was alright. they didn't believe me. they really care and they are being rather protective and supportive. i've found my people...at least for this phase and moment of life. but others moving in to my heart does not crowd out those already imprinted there. they give me distraction so i don't have to think about those i've lost (those who chose to leave) but distractions end and in quiet moments i still feel the emptiness where they should be.

i know i'm crazy but i still care...i still miss the friends we should have been...

and i hate that there's nothing i can do about it. it's their choice, not mine...