i fail

i'm not exactly tired yet. it's after midnight and i should be sleeping because i have church at 9am but here i am instead. this was not the best week. i was terribly grouchy and stressed about finals. i've become more cynical and discouraged this week too; rather down on myself...feeling directionless, ugly, incompetent, and unsure. i think i need some Vitameatavegamen, but sadly, they don't sell it anywhere around here. (for those of you who don't Love Lucy, that was a joke. look it up, it's on youtube). i wish i had the episodes of I Love Lucy on dvd, i'd watch them and be cheered up in no time, i'm sure. Now there was a woman who had direction!

that was a bit of a tangent. anyway...this week, i fail. i didn't serve anyone, i pretty much hid myself away and didn't interact with people because i was grouchy and didn't want to lash out irrationally as i sometimes do if i don't check myself. i've been binging so i'm pretty sure i've gained like 10 pounds this week (i avoid scales so i don't really know). this is not the life i wanted. this is not the life i imagined for myself. right now i kind of hate myself.

i know i'm good. i know i'm worthwhile and have many great qualities. i know that i am kind, loving, a good listener, a great friend, generous, talented, intelligent, understanding, beautiful in my own way, fun and clever, interesting and insightful...but i don't see any of that in myself this week. all i see is the girl who couldn't activate her brain to do better in her school classes this semester. all i see is the girl who hasn't had a job since August and still doesn't know where to look for one. i see the girl who is weak and exhausted and imperfect. the girl who feels invisible, especially to men...or at least to the "right" type of men. i get the jerks, the creeps, the insecure, the broken, the ones who are weaker than i am, the fickle, the emotionally detached...the users and abusers, the impatient, the rude and crude...the short.

well, that's what i've gotten in the past; i'm not getting much of anything these days. i hesitate to talk about this sort of thing but i've been living on the surface for so long, afraid of who might read my blog and what they might think of me...or what they might try to use against me...i just want to be loved and accepted for who i am. i just want a guy to look at me and see the beauty and goodness and not try to exploit it or twist it into something ugly, or change me...why isn't there a guy out there who can just love me as i am, always, not just a little while? i'm good at loving, especially if i can feel that they love me, the real me. but despite all my efforts to let people know me, they never really do. they only half pay attention and they don't really want to know me. am i asking too much?

i wish i didn't care. i wish i could forget about love and romance and men entirely...but it's innate, it's one of the needs that all humans require. i would give everything i have for love, real, lasting, transcendent love. but i'm beginning to think it doesn't exist for me. i need to find something else to fill that void in my life. but what? i have wonderful friends, i serve, i'm educated and pursuing more, i'm pretty sure there isn't a career in existance that would do it for me so that's out...all i'm really missing in my life is love, but that's the one thing that is entirely out of my hands.

i've loved before, with all my heart and soul and energy and will. i've loved a couple times that way...but my heart comes back shattered and bruised. they take my love, everything i have to give and then toss me aside. how do i get over that? how do i keep myself from misuse but allow myself to be open to love? i'm so weary, my heart is so weary and it drags me down completely. Savage Garden has a song called Gunning Down Romance and that's how i feel right now. "feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins." "Gunning down romance, it never did a thing for me. but heartache and misery. ain't nothing but a tragedy." "take these broken wings...and learn to fly, learn to fly away". i want to not want it anymore.

The Artist talks a lot about his troubles in dating. he's so worried that he just makes it all so much harder than it has to be. i wish i could give him confidence because that's really all he's lacking...well, confidence and an outward focus. he's more concerned about himself than anyone else i think. i love him dearly...anyone who has read my blog at all knows that i adore him. but i'm really getting tired of having the same conversations with him over and over. he asks for my advice and then he doesn't take it...he hears the same thing from someone else and it penetrates some part of his brain...but he still goes in the same circles. i wish i were a guy so that i could be the one taking the initiative. i know it's difficult for guys, the fear of rejection and all, but it's at least socially expected that the guy will make the first move. i'm at a complete loss here. nothing i do is right. i come on too strong or not strong enough. i let the "wrong" guys in because they are paying attention to me when the "right" guys won't give me the time of day.

i don't know how to make myself more appealing to the good guys. so, i get a great big F in dating.

now i should go to bed. maybe things will look better in the morning. maybe the world will turn upside down and inside out, and miraculously a really great guy will acknowledge my exisitance tomorrow and i'll be able to write a happier, less cynical post. or maybe i'll find some peace and acceptance instead. either way, i'm sorry for dumping these feelings and frustrations here. i know life is better than it seems in this moment. i know I am better than i seem in this moment. and i know that amazing things are coming.
"For after much tribulation come the blessings."