Standing on the Outside

To be honest, it still affects me. I guess it's because I don't understand what happened...or how it happened. This week was long and difficult for many reasons, some reasons I didn't even think about until just now. My outward focus was on my grammar paper but internally something very different was going on. The anxiety masquerading as frustration over my homeword was actually about something completely different. I knew it was displaced, but I didn't know what it was. I thought it was the weasel, that's the feeling I get just before he comes around again, but it wasn't this time.

The Veto Rights lesson in my marriage class, then talking with the Williams siblings and The Artist last night led me to action. This afternoon I was given a glimpse of understanding. I felt sadness and relief at the same time. Relief to know that the anxiety does serve a purpose and that I was able to recognize it a little better this time. Sadness because of the way things are and the fact that I am powerless to make any change. So, with all the dignity and self respect I could muster, I did what I felt needed to be done.

He's been gone for months. There are few things I despise more than losing a friend, especially one I loved and trusted; especially one I was sure would be around for a long while. It hurts when they decide (for whatever reason...even if it's a good reason) to walk away. Leaving without a "goodbye" is especially difficult because it leaves me expecting and hoping it's not an eternal exit. Receiving an invitation would have been difficult and awkward. Not receiving one would have been heartbreaking (though I'm not sure it's possible to break my heart any more than it's already been shattered). But I'm the ex-girlfriend...though I begged him to drop the "ex-girl" part so we could still be friends. Misunderstandings and sensitive feelings made that an impossibility.

It hurts that I'm not allowed to share in their joy. I'm not sure what happened. I don't understand because he never explained. Honesty is synonymous with kindness and love in my book. When you are up front and honest, even with information that has the potential to harm, you show respect and a willingness to sacrifice a moment of your own comfort to help someone else see and understand truth. That is why I plead for honesty from others and try my hardest to give it.

Although I don't like the way things are between us, I have love and acceptance in my heart for both of them and I wish them joy in their life together.

Goodbye my should-have-been friends. I'll try not to miss what never quite was.

One of these days my heart won't hurt anymore. the weasel and bobpi will both be distant memories; even the scars of broken promises, selfish "love", betrayal, and lies they have left behind will fade in time. Then someone new will come along and show me what True Love is. Then instead of standing on the outside, I'll have an enduring place to rest my mending heart.