Raining on the Inside

I hate every post that I start to write these days. There's no poetry in my writing, no beauty or eloquence. I've been listening to music and reading things that should inspire me, but nothing is working.
What I need is sunny, warm weather. My legs and body want to go running or hiking, something aerobic, outside in nature...but right now it's just too cold still. I'm tired of being cooped up inside; so tired of long sleeves and coats. I want to go out in jeans (or capri's) and a t-shirt. I want to shed the layers, allow my skin to breathe. Because my flesh is so pale, I try to stay out of direct sunlight, but right now I want to lay out and soak it up.

But it's more than just lethargy and solar deprivation. It's something missing inside. A switch in my soul has been flipped off and I need it to be reset. I'm just not sure which one...

What am I lacking? Feelings of affection, security, femininity...I don't feel pretty, I don't feel like a woman. I feel tarnished and fading. Some genuine, and sincere masculine attention would be helpful. Some heartfelt flirtation would do wonders! The trouble is that I get so nervous around any guy I feel remotely attracted to. I'm afraid of loving again, I'm afraid of putting my heart out there...and yet, I'm eager for it. I'm willing to give it a try but I'm so out of practice and the fear seems to have a mind of its own, so instead of flirting and being coy and feminine like I used to do, I make him a friend (or just push him away).

I've given up on anything with Mr. Music. Somehow friendship doesn't even seem a possibility...he seems to want pretty much nothing at all to do with me. Sigh...

BMT is confusing. Sometimes he seems very interested in me, but then he turns around and seems completely indifferent. I think he tried to ask me on a second date, but he didn't go about it very well. He asked me on a Sunday for sometime during the week but then waited too long so by the time he asked I had plans with someone else. I should have given him a specific day when I was available to go, but instead I just said, "another time". Now he hasn't tried again. Something about him intrigues me. My intuition told me he was going to ask me out...it wasn't like Bobpi, not intense and unsettling. With BMT it was more a breath on my neck, a whisper of possibility. He did ask me...it was my first date after Bobpi and I was out of practice and nervous. I talk too much when I get that way. I don't think I made a very good impression. I'm pretty sure I turned him off instead of the opposite. As I said, tarnished and faded.

I need a makeover. New hairdo, new clothes, new look all around. Most of my clothes are boring and drab. My hair is limp and dull. Sadly, I have no money, no job, no hope of anything to spark up my appearence. I need new jeans, new shoes, new tops. But as I said before, it's not just physical...

I need a new intrigue...a new Muse. I need a change...I'm not stagnant...I'm just bored. I need a little excitement, a little romance. I want some nice, attractive, interesting, young-ish man to take me out for a nice night on the town; someplace where you dress up and use your best manners, but are also at liberty to laugh and have fun! Dinner and dancing perhaps...I'm looking for a good, strong lead...to sweep my off my feet!