Why do I always fail the pre-test?

Yesterday was a panic day. The two and a half hour grammar test didn't go particularly well, even though I studied and annotated until I could barely see straight. The room was hot and my stress level was already close to boiling when I got there. Commanding myself to breathe and not burst into tears, I worked through the test the best I could. I hope it was good enough.

When it was finally over, I trudged out into the flittering snow, my vision blurred with tears, my head throbbing with a migraine, my face burning. I stood in the snow, waiting for the bus, and let a tear or two slip down my cheeks. The bus came and I made it to the Frontrunner with four minutes to spare. One tender mercy of the day.

My focus for the evening needed to be the rough draft for my final grammar project. I ate dinner, took some meds for the migraine and opened my books. The migraine intensified, my heart thudded, trying to run from my chest, and I let go of the hope that the words would come. Anxiety intensifies when I'm alone so I packed up my computer and went to the institute in search of someone to talk me down.

Another tender mercy. The other B Taylor initiated active conversation right away. I've talked with him once before, he's new in the ward, new to The Church actually. He's a nice guy. RSP2 (still need a new name for her) showed up and we talked for a few minutes but she was frazzled and in a hurry. I spent the majority of my time there talking with BMT.

We have a rather strange relationship, mostly based on sarcasm and unspoken fascination (from my perspective anyway). I still can't tell what he thinks of me...not that it matters much really. He seems to enjoy when I'm around; I don't get a vibe of annoyance or anything like that. When we left he told me to wait a moment for him and he'd walk out with me. He sent me a text as I drove away (a new inside joke developed last night). He's fairly easy to talk to and seems to like talking to me. He has a flirting style similar to mine, which is always a plus.

Undivided (or nearly undivided) attention seems to be what I was seeking when I went to the institute last night. I felt anxious, depressed, irritated and alone while sitting at home so I went to one of my happy places. I knew someone would be there (RSP2 had told me earlier in the day that she would be there...and I was pretty sure BMT would be there too). I'm getting better at dealing with my emotions. I can't make them go away entirely, the anxiety and depression may always be there under the surface, waiting for an opportunity to jump out and cause problems, but I'm learning to recognize when they are restless and I'm learning what I can do to suppress them. Generally, all it takes is some undivided attention. I can't do it alone. They don't even have to know that I'm struggling. Just being with people who treat me kindly and acknowledge my existance helps for reasons I don't even understand.

As for my paper, it's still barely started. The rough draft was due today but my teacher allows for a grace period to still receive full credit and so I have until the beginning of class on Friday to get it done. I mentioned my migraines to him today and he seemed to have a second of compassion. Somehow it's going to be okay. I don't know how I'm going to write my paper because I still have a migraine so it's hard to focus, but somehow I'll get it done.

I failed the pre-test because I gave in to the anxiety for a while yesterday, after my grammar test I was depressed and sinking into bitterness but through a little help from some friends who reminded me (and provided opportunity) to smile, I came back around. I don't understand why things work out the way they do but I know they go the way they need to when we are doing the best we can.