This is how I feel right now. Just when I think I'm making progress, someone or something comes along to knock me back again...or I trip over myself and fall. My whole life has kind of been like this and I'm working desperately to change. I've come such a long way already, climbing and falling and climbing again, just to fall again. There are moments when I cling to the side of the mountain, my feet barely perched on a narrow ledge and pray that help is on the way.
Now, what I mean by "help" is like a helicopter to pick me up and fly me the rest of the way. Sadly, there has never once been a helicopter or any other "free ride" in my life. I know, that's just how life is, it's not supposed to be easy. But my question is, "does it really have to be this hard?" I know there have been times when I have made things harder than they needed to be.
For much of my life I isolated myself, hiding in my room so no one would see that things inside of me weren't quite right. I didn't know what to do or who to ask for help, so I prayed and I did the best I could on my own. Looking at my life to this point, it's easy for me to feel like the cards were stacked against me from the start. I was born to lose, or at least it seemed I was born to have a more difficult time of things than most of the people around me. Migraines, depression, anxiety, horrible shyness, and parents who were too wrapped up in their troubles to notice how lost and frustrated I was. I never learned healthy coping mechanisms or consistently rational thought. I never learned the skills necessary to make it through the difficult times without falling to pieces.
About a year ago everything fell in on me. I could no longer hold all the weight that was piled on top of me and I collapsed under it all. I had an emotional breakdown. If it hadn't been for school and a few particular friends, I would have slipped into a nearly comatose state and refused to get out of bed...or worse...
I feel like on the day in Heaven when they were handing out the life maps mine somehow ended up going through the shredder and I've been spending my whole life searching for and collecting all the pieces so I could finally figure what my life is meant to be. I'm exhausted and discouraged. I've been working so hard and so long and it's difficult to know what else to do. I try to be happy, I try to serve and be grateful and notice the good instead of dwelling on the bad...but no matter how much I try to "fake it till I make it" I just don't ever seem to "make it" and I wonder if I ever will.
Now, I don't mean for this to be a complaining session or a venting session. In general my life is actually pretty great right now. The job thing is really stressful...I'm not stressed about not having a job, I'm stressed about all the people who keep putting pressure on me to find a job. I know they care and are just trying to help but it's just making the situation worse. I wish I'd never told anyone that I was out of a job. They say that when you are looking for employment you should tell everyone you meet (networking, right?), so, that's what I did. But instead of helping, it backfired and just made it more difficult.
As I mentioned before, I don't handle stress well, so the more pressure I feel, the less functional I become. My migraines and fatigue intensify, my anxiety gets worse, and I just turn off or find distractions so I don't freak out.
Over the last year I have been working on a lot of the obstacles that are standing in the way of success and happiness. Here's a list of the areas in which I've made progress:
~ 24 credits completed and 12 credits in progress toward my BA degree.
~ Social support system (to counteract the tendency toward isolation) established.
~ Appetite restored and regulated.
~ Emotions more in check (I'm not sobbing uncontrollably every day anymore).
~ Anxiety reined in so I no longer vomit every morning when I wake up.
~ Regular Temple Attendance, which has led to a strengthened testimony.
~ Confidence in my calling as ward communications chair.
~ Establishing more positive feelings toward and better relationships with family members (anyone who knows my history knows this is pretty huge for me).
~ Cast a certain devil out of my life (also a rather grand triumph for me).
~ Writing again...
Now I'm working on putting my faith and trust in God, forgiving and trusting myself and others, learning better coping tools, self confidence and a better self image, better communication in stressful situations, and responding rather than reacting. I also need to work on establishing a regular exercise program, improving my study habits, and finding some way of making myself sleep better.
I've come a long, long way, but I still have so much longer until I make it to where I want to be. I hope and expect to find a job within the next month, even if it's just seasonal. I need something to help me get by (and get certain people off my back). I'm doing all I can, and I'm trying harder to put the matter into God's hands. I have been praying that God's will be done, and that He will show me His will concerning me; I keep praying that He'll guide me to where I need to be so it seems to me that if I'm doing all of this and I still can't find a job, maybe there's something else I'm doing that's more important right now. The economy stinks, that's why I'm going to school to earn more knowledge and experience so that I will be qualified for better jobs when they become available.
I'm in the right place, doing the right things, and the way will open up before me when all things are in their proper time and place. So even though it feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, perhaps it's the other way around; yes there are setbacks, but I'm still progressing and things will work out.
