Love Love Love

Things are settling in for me. School is going well, I start my new job tomorrow, church is great, and I'm learning to control my thoughts and emotions so they don't control me. I've had trouble with the depression, anxiety, and paranoid - racetrack thoughts for quite some time now but it's getting better. Between my Family Studies classes, therapy, and the kindness of friends I'm learning better ways to cope and work through the difficult times.

It's been a long year and I've struggled through a lot, but I'm learning to fly again. My heart is mostly healed and I'm pretty much in the best place of my life thus far. I have kind and supportive people I can trust, so I'm opening up. I'm not bitter or angry or "wounded" anymore. I love my family and friends, and I'm learning to love myself.

About a month ago, the death of my friend BLT really shook me up. We weren't particularly close and I regretted my hesitation in being a better friend to him. I was born to love. I've always been a very loving and accepting person. My heart wants to give love to everyone in the world so that no one will ever feel sad or lonely or the desire to give up. I don't always know how to show it though, I don't always know how to express myself in a way that will be inviting instead of repellent. And the last couple of years I've been so wrapped up in my own need for love that I did a poor job of giving love to those around me.

Now I'm better; I'm done enough with taking care of myself that I'm now open and able to love others better. And I'm working on making up for lost time. I'm being happy and kind and loving. I'm being supportive and encouraging and affectionate. I'm making it about others instead of always focusing on myself. Because the world is a better place when we are more considerate and caring of others. I can't change the world, but I can change myself and I can affect the lives of those around me.

I just love...YOU! :)

Over the last few weeks I've been working on ridding myself of the obstacles that get in my way.

Muse

As Greek myth goes, the nine Muses were the product of an affair between Zeus (king of the Olympian Gods) and Mnemosyne, the goddess of memory. Their mission was to make people forget their sorrows and cares, mainly through the Arts and Sciences.

In modern day, Muses are referred to mainly as a source of inspiration; a sort of supernatural insight that leads to great works of art, literature, music, etc.

As an aspiring writer/poet, and a fan of myth and legend, I like the idea of a Muse infusing me with the words and emotions, light and understanding that lead to great writing. And this idea that the Muses are meant to make people forget their sorrow and cares really makes me open to the idea.

Recently I have found a sort of Muse in my life. Just being around him leads to a feeling of creativity surging through my veins. I'm happiest when he's around. I feel more free to be myself when I'm with him. I forget my sorrows and worries and every care when he's around. He is so much of what I want to be in so many ways. I've recently come to understand why it's so important to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be like. A lot of people have a tendency to become like those with whom they spend the most time. If you want to be a certain way, spend your time with people who are what you want to be.

I'm so grateful for his friendship; he kinda came out of nowhere, all of a sudden wanting to hang out with the group. The place vacated by the siblings has been more than filled. He's much better for my progress and my general mental and emotional health. He's much more my style of the type of person I want to be around. He's crazy intelligent, simple, yet intricate, and strange beyond words...the whole combination of traits makes him quite delightful. And, as I said, I'm inspired by him. He doesn't have a clue of the impact he has on my life. I'm not sure it would be wise of me to tell him, it might offset the inspiration. Who knows.

I will admit that recently I have toyed with the idea of liking him as more than just a friend. He's fun to flirt with, and he flirts almost instinctively...with any girl who will flirt with him...like I flirt almost instinctively with any guy who will flirt with me (most of the time I don't even know I'm flirting, it's like a reflex). I had forgotten how much fun casual flirting can be! I really like him a lot, but I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me as anything more than a friend since he hasn't asked me out...so I'm not getting my hopes up. He seems to care about me as a friend, he seems to enjoy keeping company with me, and I think we're becoming closer friends. Even if all we ever are is friends, I'm completely content with that.

I love him as a person and as a friend...and as my Muse. And that's good enough. I'm pretty sure that getting involved with a Muse is against the rules anyway. ;-)

I'm pretty sure I benefit more from our friendship at this point than he does. He could probably walk away today and wouldn't miss me at all. That's okay. That's how most of my relationships with people seem to be. I invest more of myself into the relationship more quickly than others do. It makes it harder to see them go, but I'm getting better with that too. As for this boy, music is a major aspect of his life so it's only fitting that I assign him a theme song. The other night I heard a Billy Joel song on the radio that I've decided might be the right song for him at this point. Some of the applicable lines:

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time.

In fact, I've never been inspired in this way by anyone ever before! I guess it's best if I don't tell him, it might break the magic. I'll just enjoy the art of his friendship for now.

Looking Up

Yesterday began with a nasty computer virus. $170 later I walked out of Best Buy praying Geek Squad would fix the problem and return my computer quickly.

I don't have $170 to spend on random viruses that I don't even how how I got it. I don't have money to pay my bills next month. I don't have money to fix my car that is in need of repair and therefore I'm terrified that it will break down on me in the middle of the road. I don't have the money I need because I'm a college student and haven't had a job in over a year.

Yesterday I talked with my parents, trying to talk myself out of freaking out over not having money, trying to figure out what to do about finding a job. I've applied a lot of places, I've interviewed a couple of places, but nothing has come together. I keep praying, trying to understand where I need to be, what I need to do. The answers I keep getting are, "You are where you need to be, you're doing what you need to do." So I pray, "Ok, then it's in your hands. Please bless me with what I need to get by. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and I'm leaving the rest in your hands."

Last night I went to the temple with Hey-Pay and a few other ward members. I could have been doing homework or looking for a job or any number of other things, but I knew that was where I needed to be. I needed to be with people, serving God and my brothers and sisters.

Today I had trouble waking up but I got up and went to school. During my off hour I wrote the paper I didn't write last night and turned it in on time. It's not the best paper I've written but I'm doing well enough in this class that I don't think it'll be a problem. Just as the train pulled into Salt Lake Central station my phone rang. It was the bookstore where I interviewed a week and a day ago. They offered me the job. It's seasonal and I have to put on my salesperson hat, but it's enough. It should be low-stress and it should give me the money I need to get by. It's the location I was hoping for because they close earlier than the other stores so I'll still have time to do homework or go out and play with friends after my shift if they have me work evenings.

I came home and took a coconut bubble bath.

Tonight I went to a Murder Mystery dinner with a Disco theme. It was so much fun! We all dressed up in Disco-type apparel and acted our parts to expose the murderer. I ended up being the murderer, which was fun for my first time. I'm grateful that I was included in this somewhat exclusive and extremely entertaining event! I am grateful for the friends I have and that I'm invited to fun activities such as tonight.

So many good things are finally coming together in my life. I'm so grateful for my blessings.

And yet...I'm sitting here on the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been so happy the last few weeks. This week has been rough because of a little PMS, but once I realized that's what it was, I could handle it better and with a more rational perspective. I've been so happy recently and I just want it to continue...but I'm terrified it's all going to come crashing in again. I don't know how to believe that happiness can be a way of life, not just a fleeting moment. I don't know how to believe that good things can come without negative consequences. I'm working on it though. I've had too many years of the negative consequences. If there truly is "an opposition in all things" like the scriptures say, it's about time for the positive side of the opposition to kick in...including a really amazing relationship. I'm working on it.

It's been a difficult year. I'm grateful that it has gone by so quickly. I'm grateful for all the healing and progressing this year has brought. I'm grateful for the blessings of friendships and opportunities. I'm grateful for the time I've been allowed to recover, regroup, and renew myself. I'm a better and stronger person than I've ever been before. I see what's truly important in life. I see what is necessary and what is optional, and that sometimes it's what is optional that is most necessary.

I'm so grateful that things are finally looking up!

Not Sleeping

I don't sleep much these days. I've always struggled with insomnia, but this is ridiculous. I don't even fall asleep on the train these days.

Okay, honestly, much of my lack of sleep over the last few weeks has been because I've had such an active social life. I stay out late at Z's house, or with the girls, or at "the Bee's" after FHE. Then I have to get up early for school 3 days a week, and for church on Sundays, so that leaves Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays for sleeping. This week I had to get up early on Tuesday to go up to the school and take a test for my Adult Development class.

So, here I am at 1:25am. I should be sleeping, but I've been recouping from the day. I'm uploading music to my iTunes (which I've only just recently started using, seeing as how I still don't have an iPod. I didn't know I could use iTunes just on my computer). I like it a lot better than Windows Media Player.

I should be doing homework, but by this time my brain has shut down and I can't think about it. I'm behind on my homework, that's not good. I have two group projects in the next couple weeks and I haven't even read the subject matter. Working on it. I have to read a ton of poetry and write some poems. I need to read a Greek play and write a response essay that's due on Friday, no worries on that one...and I think I'm doing the best in that class so I'm not too concerned. It's actually a great class, one of my favorites of all time. My teacher is great and he seems to like me as a student. I've gotten A's on most, if not all of my assignments, and he's had me read many of my papers aloud in class during discussions. It's pretty flattering and encouraging.

I love my poetry class too. My teacher is possibly getting senile and is generally pretty crazy, but in the greatest way. He does like to ramble a little too much sometimes and I get kinda lost in his thought process, but it's a really fun class. We're this great little community of poets, and we all get along pretty well. Two of the girls and I have become cohorts and we have so much fun. Tonight's class was completely insane. I don't know what was going on, maybe Jill put something "special" in the brownies she brought ;-) just kidding, but really it kinda felt that way. We laughed so hard we were crying. It was pretty great.

I really love school this semester. It's nice to be going up only three days a week instead of five. I do wish I could find a job so I could have some financial security, but part of me is grateful that I haven't had one this semester because I'm just enjoying being in school and playing with friends.

Generally life is really good. I've stopped stressing about the job issue because the stress was making it really difficult to even look for a job, let alone apply. I've applied for a bunch of jobs, interviewed for a few...but nothing is working out so I've put it in God's hands and I know that when the time is right I'll figure out where I need to be. And until then, I'll just enjoy school and society.

So, while today was not such a great day, it's not the end of the world like I let myself feel for a while tonight. I tried all day to be positive and up. I faked it well enough that I got through class without anyone knowing, but when Z canceled movie night for the second night in a row and I was left to myself, I couldn't fake it anymore. So I watched 2 movies, ate some chocolate, and wrote...and I cried my hurt out. Now I'm feeling a little better. I think I should probably go to bed now. I really hope I will be able to sleep in late in the morning. Wish me luck, I need a good, long sleep. If I don't sleep well tonight I'm taking drugs on Friday night and sleeping most of the day Saturday...just kidding.

good night

i want to hold your hand

i've been single, and completely uninvolved for just over a year and a half. generally i've been grateful for the time and distance away from men...however, there are two things i miss. i miss having someone i could just be with, be close to and talk with. and i miss the feeling of my hand enveloped in the safety of another person's hand.

i know this sounds silly but one of the reasons i couldn't marry bobpi was because his hand was too small. i didn't like the way my hand felt in his. his fingers were too close together and too small and he squeezed my hand too tight. Teddy's hands were larger and more comfortable, but he squeezed too tightly also.

one of the reasons i stayed so long with the weasel, even after i knew he was destructive was because my head rested comfortably on his shoulder, his arms held me so tenderly...and my hand fit perfectly in his. i hate that. i miss that. i hate that i miss that. i don't miss him...i miss having a shoulder on which to rest my head, arms to help me feel secure, and a hand...i can't explain the powerful effect of having a hand to hold.

one day a new man will come into my life. his hand will be more perfect for mine than any other has ever been or ever could be. i just hope he comes sooner, rather than later...

DaNcInG to Bearproof on the Roof

Tonight for FHE we had a concert on the roof of a parking garage. First of all, how cool is that! The view was beautiful, the weather was a little nippy but not bad, and the guys were AMAZING! (check them out at www.bearproofmusic.com or on Facebook).

Dancing and music used to be my all-time favorite things. I have always enjoyed a great live concert, and until a few years ago, I never had any trouble shakin' my groove thang. But recently I have not had such an intimate relationship with music and dancing. When I lost myself a few years ago, I lost this part of me too. Now that I'm getting to know myself again, I'm remembering the joy I always found in good music and dancing.

Tonight, as soon as the music started I couldn't keep myself from bobbing my head and swaying in my seat. Not wanting others to think there was something wrong with me, I contained myself as long as possible, since no one else was dancing, I didn't have the courage to bust my moves. When Pola and RJ showed up I was so excited because I knew they were less inhibited than the other ward members. Seconds after they arrived we were movin' and groovin' to the rockin' great tunes of Bearproof. I have not danced so freely and joyfully in a very, very long time.

I feel so liberated! I feel so happy! I feel so...myself!

I've always wanted a friend in a band; I'm so grateful for Z and Ring Ting Ting (two of the four band members), particularly in this moment in my life when I have been in such need of inspiration and encouragement; and when I am now so ready for life!!!

Tonight was a really good night! :)

JOY IS...

coconut bubble bath

chatting with friends on FB at 1am

Scrabble and Reese's Pieces --> birthday-of-the-week algorithm

Savage Garden / Darren Hayes

two adorable nephews

a good session

confidence in a job interview

finally feeling like I'm in the right place

that look...

oops! that lead to giggles

shoulder bumps that lead to cuddle hugs

school lessons that are directly applicable to my life

feeling visible

finding comfort and meaning in tragedy

one less worry

star wars monopoly figurines

new music that speaks directly to me

POSSIBILITIES

friends who help me feel I'm not alone

Here Comes the Sun

Today started out gloomy and glum. My head hurt and my tummy was upset, and lack of sleep had left me whimpering for my pillow and blanket. I could barely focus in class and I hadn't done the assigned reading. As I walked out of my last class (late) on the way to the bus stop, I prayed for some help. I searched for some way to draw my attention from myself. If I could focus on someone else, maybe I could forget myself and help someone else out for a while.

As I sat at the bus stop, a woman next to me on the bench was talking on her phone. I recognized her from the class I'd just come from. I didn't mean to listen in on her conversation but when you're sitting right next to a person, it's difficult not to hear what they are saying. What I understood from the half of the conversation was that there was going to be a funeral for a relative in the near future.

With BLT's funeral still so fresh in my thoughts, my heart hurt for her. My instinctual thought was to talk to her. I'm a pretty shy person and don't generally feel comfortable initiating conversations with virtual strangers. But as I tried to suppress the prompting, the thought nudged me, "This is what you wanted. This is your chance. Talk to her." So I stopped fighting and turned to her and said, "I didn't mean to overhear your conversation but I did, and I'm sorry for your loss." She thanked me and we talked until my bus came about her uncle who is in a coma and will be passing within the next couple of days. We also talked about the deaths of her mother (8 years ago) and father (last year), and I shared a little of my experiences with death, including BLT. We had a nice conversation and she expressed appreciation. She seemed to feel a bit better, and I was beginning to as well.

My sister has been on vacation for the last week so we've been keeping the kids. When I got home mom immediately requested I take care of the Baby so she and The Kid could finish making cookies. Baby has been really whiny and clingy all week, he wants to be held constantly which can be a little difficult sometimes. He was mostly happy today once I picked him up. After the cookies were done I took both boys outside to play so mom could make dinner and have a moment of peace. We had fun playing on the swings and slide. I couldn't get pictures today but these are from yesterday and too cute to not share.

See-Saw Swing

The Boys LOVE Sliding Together

Baby loves swinging, and he's really good at holding on.

After playing with the boys for a while it was time for FHE. I was still struggling a bit. As delightful as they were, the boys were a real handful and The Kid has become somewhat of a demon child so I was ready for hanging out with friends. We went to the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point. I was expecting just a corn maze but it was like a whole fall carnival! It was so much fun. I was slightly annoyed with myself for not taking my camera because Bishop paid $5 and insisted Z ride the mechanical bull. Luckily, one of the other guys had a camera phone and emailed me the picture too!So Delightful!

I struggle. It seems so easy for me to get caught up in the drudgery and stress of life. As a writer, and more specifically, as a serious poet, I tend to dwell a little too deeply in the melancholy and serious places in life. I decided today that I'm actually a pretty happy and positive person, it's just that a lot of really difficult trials piled heavily on top of me all at once for an extended period of time and I forgot how to be consistently happy. Instead I became consistently depressed. I didn't know I could be happy. I never learned how to be happy through my stress and hard times. I'm learning that now. I'm learning better coping mechanisms and strategies for more positive interactions and interpretations in life.

I know that seems like a tangent but it's actually directly related to the topic. I was sitting by Z at the church before we left. He said he was going to drive and I immediately claimed a seat in his car. I know I've been writing a lot about him recently...and I know that makes it look like I have a crush on him. This is not the case. I toyed with the idea for a moment but it didn't feel right. What does feel right is having him as a friend. He is seriously the one person I cannot be sad around. Thus far, as soon as he is in the same room, any and all storm clouds that may have been darkening my heart or thoughts, evaporate. He makes me laugh more easily than anyone else. If I'm feeling invisible (which is how I was feeling today), in less than five seconds of being with him, not only do I feel acknowledged, I feel wanted and safe to be myself. I'm not nervous or shy around him. On the way home tonight he had a Pure Funk Mix on his iPod and I felt completely at liberty to car seat dance. I'm getting my groove back! I told you dancing was coming :)

I'm grateful for all my friends. They bring the sun when I'm starting to feel gloomy. Most of the time they don't have a clue I'm even feeling down, but within seconds of being with my people, I'm smiling, laughing (often so hard that I cry), and having a great time.

My natural hope, faith, and optimism have been buried for so long under all the hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and fear that life has taught me I deserve...but I'm digging it out and I'm beginning to feel quite content to sit in the sun!

Now that it's nearly 2am, perhaps I should try to sleep. That's the next thing I need to figure out...wish me luck!

Natalie Dawnielle (aka Ellie)

Bestest Friend with baby Ellie

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Oh what sweet little toes!

"Not another picture, come on Auntie!"

Hello Baby Girl! Welcome to the world. I am your doting Auntie and
I'm gonna spoil you rotten :)

I love my nephews, don't get me wrong, but there's something extra special about a pretty in pink baby girl. I fell in love instantaneously! I'm so grateful for all the little angels in my life.

Love you Baby Girl!

ready to try again

my heart has been on hiatus for about the last year. from the time i was very young i have always been what i call a "hopeful romantic" because i believe in romance and true love and all that other storybook junk. but life was determined to teach me otherwise. i lost hope in love and romance and even reciprocation of affection. i lost total hope in ever finding a man who would love me the way i deserve to be loved.

my heart is too big for it's own good. it wants to flood love and affection all over everything, which just doesn't fly with most of the world. as i was talking with Bestest Friend earlier today i mentioned that i was born to be a Grandmother. grandmothers can get away with things that no one else can. they can be sappy and sentimental, or silly and absurd or whatever and it's perfectly acceptable. yes, i've finally decided what i want to be when i grow up...that's right! i want to be a grandmother!

sorry, tangent. anyway, my heart's too big. most people my age get really uncomfortable when i'm "too nice" or compliment them too much; generally they think i'm being sarcastic and pointing out a fault. i'm really just being sincere and trying to let them know i think they're great! but in a society where so many of the messages sent our direction are intended to pull us down and tear us apart, people get really uncomfortable around genuine kindness.

in my opinion, we need more kindness in this world...

i'm really rambling tonight, can't stay on topic. ok, back to the original point.

it's time. i'm ready to try dating again. i'm ready to regain my hopeful romanticism and allow myself to believe that good men exist, and that somewhere out there is a man who will get me and think i'm adorable enough to spend the rest of eternity being in love with me.

i no longer cringe at the thought of being held or kissed. i no longer have an anxiety attack when guys talk to me or flirt with me. i no longer respond to the question, "how's your love life?" with, "we don't talk about that". Instead, the response is, "it's been dormant, but i'm ready to wake it up and let it sizzle!"

so come, eligible young-ish men, i'm no longer a shrew, so ask me out! i won't hurt you ;-) let's have some fun!

Writing Again

Sitting in the hall, writing in my journal while waiting for the professor to come and open the classroom.
"Your name is Laura, right?" One of my classmates asked. I nodded and he continued, "I really liked your poem this week. It was your best yet! In fact, your poems have only gotten better each week. That's hard to do." I smiled and thanked him. Once we started the critiquing section of class, other classmates made similar comments about my poem.

At the end of class the professor read through each of our poems that he had reviewed and revised for us. I liked most of the changes he made, they created a tighter and more fluid piece.

The poems are coming more easily now. Writing in general has become more natural over the last few weeks. I'm beginning to feel like myself in a way I don't think I ever actually have before. This is me, the writer; more specifically, the poet. I'm an artist and I need to discard my fear and just be confident in myself. I knew this class would be good for me!

I'm writing, and I can't explain how important that is to me. I'm so grateful that I'm finally being blessed with words and poetry again.

Sleeplessness = Rambling

Mostly, life is good right now. The one sadness is losing BLT...but even in this loss there is hope and opportunity for reflection, learning, and growth.

Recently I've been too introverted and introspective. My instincts were on high alert, screaming DANGER! and seeking desperately for a safe place. Like Dorothy Gale, however, I was seeking outside of myself and therefore found more danger instead of solace.

One good thing that came from my conflict with BJL, for example is perspective. I realized that this desperate panic mode I've been caught in was blinding my perception of myself and causing others to see me inaccurately. Instead of being what I know I am, I was putting off a persona rather opposite of the true me. What's worse is that I was actually becoming convinced of this alter-ego too.

Seeing what others were seeing in me gave me the opportunity to step back and look at myself.

I'm tired of being bitter, angry, depressed, and stuck. I made choices that brought me into this state and I can make choices to bring me back out. Over the last year that's what I've been doing. It's almost never an instantaneous alteration, generally it takes time, a lot of time to pull myself out of the ditch, but I'm nearly there. The demons of my past are fading and I'm gaining more courage and self-confidence.

With this courage and confidence, I'm acquiring learning, understanding, and (I hope) wisdom. I'm learning from the past so I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I'm understanding the importance of having good influences in my life and a strong sense of who I am and who I want to be. And I hope I'm gaining wisdom to see what is really important, and focusing more on loving others and listening more than talking. I've also been working on developing a stronger anchor in gratitude and a positive attitude.

I'm getting back to being myself. I'm writing more and more, even poetry! My appreciation for music and photography, as well as other art is reviving as well. Still no dancing, but I'm sure that will come back too. I look up more, notice (and express gratitude for) the beauties of nature that are all around me. And the idea of being in a new relationship no longer terrifies me. Now I just need to find someone to be interested in ;-)

I've let myself toy with the idea of having a relationship with various guys I know, but I'm pretty sure nothing beyond friendship will develop with any of them. I'm content with friendship for now. I have some good friends (male and female) and I'm grateful for our little group. We're finally kind of balancing out. We are all relatively close in age and maturity level now and so we have a lot of fun, with a lot less drama! So nice!

I have had some trouble being only friends with guys in the past because there's almost always awkward interest on one side or the other. The Artist and Z have been particularly helpful in giving me hope that I can be good friends with guys without the gender thing getting in the way. They are both very artistically minded, as am I, so they are helping me (without even knowing it) to develop my natural inclination toward the arts. I like who I am and how I feel when I'm around them. I feel more freedom to be myself around them because I don't feel judged or defensive. I'm comfortable with The Artist because we've been friends for so long and we are basically soul twins. Z makes me laugh by his sheer absurdity, but I've also discovered that he is genuine and compassionate. Two male friends I can trust? Is that really possible? Oh I hope so.

I haven't been sleeping well. I didn't get home till midnight-thirty last night and didn't even try to sleep till after 1am. I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. Now I'm at school and you'd think I couldn't keep my eyes open...but I still can't sleep. I have a couple hours till my next class so please forgive my ramblings today. I'm just trying to sort some things out, express gratitude for my blessings, and pass the time.

Thanks for listening (or reading, as it were) ;-)

Delighted

Tonight was another great night! The day started out not so well but the rain washed my worries away. 46/50 on a test, A- on a term paper, lots of poetry...school is going really well!

When I got home mom and I were talking and decided we need more seating in the living room. We are totally amazing and moved the love seat from downstairs to the living room upstairs. We had to take it out through the garage then up the front stairs and in through the front door.

FHE was canceled tonight so I organized one of my own. We started out playing a little Star Wars Trivial Pursuit but only about 4 people were really interested in it so we turned on the most amazingly horrible movie ever made. I love it because it is so classic; it's called The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. So fantastic!

Niv and I chatted for a bit. We've been avoiding conversation with each other for a while. It was nice to talk with her again.

After the movie we sat around and talked for a bit. Z asked everyone the meaning of their surname. My name, Funk, is German and according to ancestry.com it means: nickname for a blacksmith, or for a small and lively or irritable individual, from Middle High German vunke 'spark'. He said he's going to call me Spark now. Sounds good to me; it's always fun to have a new nickname, as long as it is given kindly by a friend. :)

(I just looked up my first name, Laura, and I am delighted to find that it is an Italian name! I knew I had some connection to Italy!)

After the name game, Pola read some stories from The Scary Stories Treasury: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and Scary Stories 3 More Tales to Chill Your Bones. I used to love these books when I was a child and a couple years ago I found the trilogy at Barnes & Noble and I just had to buy it! They are not so scary now, more funny really.

Overall, the night went pretty much the way I hoped it would. We had a great time and I laughed so hard I cried! I have the greatest friends and I am so grateful for each of them. I love them dearly and I'm grateful for this time I have to enjoy their company.

~~~~~~~~~~

On my way home from school today I was thinking about the past, and some of my past relationships. I've come to understand some things about friendship. One of the most important is that it's a gift we give to each other. It should not be an obligation or even a necessity, but always a choice.
I've always had a tendency to try to hold on too tight and for too long. I thought that once I found a friend I had to hold on to him/her so they wouldn't abandon me. But now I understand that life takes us in so many different directions and sometimes that means being separated (sometimes for the rest of our lives) from those we have come to love. Separation doesn't always mean we weren't true friends, it doesn't always mean we stopped caring or stopped loving, it's just part of life.

I'm not holding on anymore. I'm just enjoying the time we share with gratitude, and hope it doesn't end too soon.

Sometimes our friends leave unwillingly and unintentionally like BLT. They are called home to Heaven and we are left to miss them, to remember them. I believe we'll meet again in the next life. I believe I will see BLT, Gramma and my other grandparents and family members, my Kari Dawn and other friends again in the next life. I love them and I miss them, and I'm grateful to know that our relationships continue beyond here and now.

Today was good. I hope this is the beginning of a trend. I hope my life is beginning to turn around and that it will only get better from here. I'm doing the best I can and I hope it's finally going to be good enough. :)

Big Heart

We were concerned but it looks like he had a medical condition. Dear BLT had an enlarged heart (among other things)...he was a kind and dear man, his heart was just too big. We will miss him very much.

Love you BLT, rest well now in God's care.

Why Didn't You Tell Me?

I should be doing homework but I have some things weighing on my heart and mind right now.

Yesterday was a pretty great day. I turned in some job applications, watched General Conference, and hung out with friends. We had girls' night and watched Jane Austen's Persuasion. Then the boys came over and we played some really fun games.

Just after Z got there he answered a phone call from Bishop. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I waited as long as I could, not wanting to interrupt the conversation, but when I couldn't wait any longer I went into the kitchen and found Z bent over the counter with his face in his hands. He wasn't sure he should say anything but I think he needed to share the burden. A friend in the ward passed away, quite possibly of his own doing. Somehow I knew before he even said anything.

I didn't know what to say. The details are a little sketchy and I didn't want to interrogate Z when he was clearly upset. He said he felt like he could have done more. He regretted not inviting the friend to more activities. He said he'd had the thought to invite him to Conference but had ignored it. I told him it wasn't his fault. I told him not to think that way. We didn't want to dampen the party or spread the word if it was supposed to be kept on the down low. Z spent the rest of the evening playing the guitar on the outside of the events. Other people teased him and tried to joke with him, but I knew he had our friend on his mind.

Toward the end of the party another guy there who had also been told made an announcement. Death is a difficult thing to deal with anyway, and it's even harder when it happens like this.

I've thought about creating my own exit at times. Life gets to be too much and it seems like it would be so much better to just be done. So I get it, I understand what people think or how they feel to be able to do something so drastic. But I could never do it.

I am grateful for certain people in my life who help me to keep going. I've been close to too many people who have lost, or nearly lost someone this way. I see the pain that is caused. I see the heartache. I have experienced some of the heartache. I would rather suffer than cause that sort of pain for others. But I do understand...both sides.

I wish that I had tried harder to be friends with BLT. I knew he was struggling. I tried to be kind and friendly. I tried to let him know I cared and that I wanted him around. But I was afraid that if I was too friendly, too kind, I'd scare him away or give him "the wrong impression". I should have loved him better. I should have forgotten about my own fears and just talked with him, listened to him, let him know he could talk to me about anything. I wish he had told me, since I know how it feels, I just feel like I could have said the right thing or done the right thing.

But thinking that way is useless now, except to do better in the future. I've been kind of selfish recently. It was necessary to some extent. It's difficult to serve and love others if you don't love yourself. I feel a lot better now and I will do my best to be a better friend.

I wish I could give love to everyone in the world so they won't be sad or hurt or discouraged enough to give up. If you read this, and you're feeling on the verge, please tell me...or tell someone. There is help available. There are people who love you. Don't give up.

All day today I've been thinking about