words...ridiculously sentimental words...

i wrote a letter with (i'm sure) too much sentiment.  then i let all my stupid, sentimental words spill all over facebook.  now i feel like a complete fool.  i'm embarrassed and irritated with myself.  i really need to stop flooding everywhere.  i don't even know why i do it.  i just have too much inside of me and i can't seem to find enough places to put it.  i don't want to burden people directly, but i can't carry it all myself.  so i send it into the void and hope maybe i'll get a prayer or something.  and maybe my struggles will help someone else somehow...if nothing else, you can be grateful you're not a basket case like me.  you can be grateful you're not single anymore.  being single in a world of married people really isn't great.  watching people with their significant companion and their adorable children wrenches my heart.  i miss my married friends, i love them and i am so happy for their happiness, but i don't fit in with them and it hurts so much.  i don't know how to be around them.  i don't know how to set up a "play date" when i have no children to contribute.  maybe i could borrow a niece and/or nephew...i've always felt so out of place anyway, but now i feel like a complete alien so much of the time.  except with the few single friends i still have...particularly Will, but now he's gone.  i know, i need to get over it already.  i'm sorry i'm such a mess.  i'm sorry i didn't make better choices so i could be in a better place.  i did what i thought was right at the time and now i'm just not sure what to do.  i wish i could have just one more long embrace.  i wish i could have just one more moment.  or i wish i could find someone new who makes me feel like home.

i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words.  i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace.  i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person.  i just want to stop being me, just for a little while.  i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.

loss is no disaster

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

 

~ Elizabeth Bishop

 

this poem has been on my mind recently.  i'm trying to convince myself that my life is not a disaster, though it does feel that way.  i lose too much, too many, but it isn't a disaster, right?  it's just life. life is loss...and gain.  i can't lose something if i don't have it in the first place.

Marilyn Monroe said, "Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together."  if i really look back in my life i can see how good things have filled in the space where other things have fallen apart.  

i'm struggling right now.  it's less that "things" are falling apart and more that i am.  i wonder if the day will ever come when i don't fall apart. i'm overly sensitive, weak, afraid, and i care too much about everything.  i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, i let it consume my every thought and action.  i wish that meant that i was kind and loving all the time.  but what it means is that i think and act irrationally and emotionally too much of the time.  sometimes i love too quickly and too deeply.  sometimes i hold on to hurt and betrayal too long.  i'm not very good at patience or forgiveness sometimes.  i need to find a way to pull myself together and keep myself from falling all apart.  my heart and my sensitivity could be a great strength instead of the terrible weakness it is currently.  i guess i just need more faith, more trust in Heavenly Father.

when i was little i had a lot more faith and trust than i do now.  i had plenty of hope and optimism too.  but life has beaten me down and i wasn't strong enough to fight back.  sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding on.  i'm so tired, so weary, so lonely, i don't know how to hold on much longer without some help.  i'm just having a little trouble seeing it right now.  it'll come...i don't know when and i don't know how, but it will.

vacancy

my Will is going away.  tonight was the last time i'll see him until at least Christmas...then who knows when.  i don't have the words to explain why he means so much to me.  being with him is the closest i've ever felt to that ever illusive "home" i've ached for my whole life.  i don't care that he'll never be in love with me, as my dear friend, he loves me better than any man ever has.  he has seen the depths of my darkness but sees me as so much more than that.  and that's only the beginning.  he is truly phenomenal.

but now he's moving.  he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do.  i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows.  i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it.  but he's amazing, he'll be fine.  i don't know that i'll be fine though.  the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again.  most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful.  that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy.  first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state.  with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him.  the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance.  there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine.  isn't it about time i'm truly loved?  isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend?  that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me.  it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.

so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago.  it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing.  he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome.  those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.

i really hope that the voice inside is right.  i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down.  i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.

i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!

kindness begins with me

in Sacrament Meeting today the speakers talked about kindness.  generally i think i'm a kind person...outwardly anyway.  i need to improve my thoughts in this respect.  i'm not always kind in the things i think about people.  it's worst when i drive in the car; i get impatient with some of the other drivers and call them morons in my mind and yell for them to get out of the way (even though i know they can't hear me).  i'd never call a person a moron to their face, so why am i calling them one when they can't hear me?  the problem is generally not with them, it's with me.  i need to be more patient and kind, not only on the road, but with the general public with whom i interact at work, and also with my family and a few certain friends who just seem to know how to push the wrong button.  i have improved over the years, i'm slower to anger and try to hold my tongue and walk away before things get too heated; i really try to be kind, but it's often to the point of being a pushover, which is not so good either. 

the person i tend to be most unkind toward, though, is myself.  i've noticed recently that my thoughts toward myself are too often negative and demeaning.  i've learned over the years to kindly accept compliments from others with a smile and a "thank you" but i don't know how to compliment myself.  maybe learning to be kinder to myself will help make me kinder to others...and vice versa. 

today as i listened to the speakers i thought of two things in particular, besides simply my need to be kinder: 1) Sydney Bristow. 2) the Weasel.

1) i've  been watching a bit of Alias this week.  it's what i do now and then when i feel a little lost and weary from the world.  the show is my favorite for many reasons, one of which is Sydney Bristow.  in so many ways, she is the person i want to be...i mean, if i could choose a fictional character to be reincarnated as (if i believed in such things), it would be her (well, not entirely, she dresses immodestly sometimes and she sleeps with men she's not married to, but as far as looks and personality go, i want to be her).  the reason i thought of her during the talk is because she is one of the kindest people (fictional or not) that i've every seen.  don't get me wrong, she can kick your trash and she doesn't really hesitate to kill people if they are trying to kill her, but she is generally very kind to everyone, even if they aren't being particularly kind to her.  she is strong, brave, meek, sincere, independent, happy, friendly, versatile, and loving (as long as you're not trying to kill her or someone she loves).  anyway, this probably doesn't make much sense to anyone reading this but it doesn't have to.  i'm just kind of writing because it's on my mind and i haven't written in a while.  we'll move on to the second thought because it's the more significant one.

2) the reason i thought of the Weasel during a talk about kindness isn't because he was particularly kind, though he was when he wanted to be; it's because the title i gave him all those years ago is an unkind one.  over the years i have worked very hard to forgive him and repair the damage he caused inside of me and the wreck i let him make of my life.  i don't hate him, i never really hated him.  he abused my kindness and generosity and he is a big part of the reason i am not as kind and generous as i once was.  but what i realized today is that i can never truly forgive and be free of the trouble he caused until i stop calling him such an unkind name.  he is the only person to whom i've ever given an unkind nickname (as far as i can think of anyway), and no matter what he did to me, i should be the kinder person and stop holding it all against him.  there was a time when he was one of my dearest friends and a man i loved with too much of my silly little heart.  from now on i'll try to remember the better things and the good times we had and let go of the rest.  i still don't like his real name, though, and since i don't know what else to call him, i'll try to just not write or talk...or even think about him at all.  he's been out of my life for nearly 6 years now, it's about time i finish forgiving and forgetting.

my quest for the week then (and longer, really, but i thought a week seemed like a doable goal; i prefer to take life a day or week at a time, less overwhelming that way) is to focus on being more kind to those around me and also to myself.  i'll also try harder to notice the kindnesses i receive from others.

p.s. sorry this isn't particularly well written or coherent, my brain is sleeping and a little mushy, but i wanted to say something about what i learned about kindness before it slipped away entirely.  thanks for reading! :)

the me you see

sometimes i forget.  i'm with me all the time and so i know myself, my intentions, my humor, my intelligence, my dark and my light.  i'm afraid the brief contact you have with me over facebook or my blog paints me as a rather dismal and depressed person...and on one hand i am...on the other hand i am the opposite (not in a bipolar way though, i promise).

i guess i forget how i may be perceived.  i get so little response to anything that i figure people are just ignoring me.  the reason this is what you see of me is because it's my writing and my writing began as a sort of coping mechanism.  i've been pretty lonely and isolated a lot of my life because i'm shy and a little different than most and often misunderstood (partly because of the depression, partly because my personality, sense of humor, dreams, goals and desires would have fit better in an earlier time period and therefore, i have never really fit in with the majority of my contemporaries).  in high school, writing became my outlet and my companionship.  The Page always understands me, always listens, and is always interested in and supportive of everything i give to it.  since very few people ever comment on things i say here or on facebook, i tend to forget that anyone might be reading.  sometimes i come to these places with the vague hope that somehow my weak and admittedly rather passive-aggressive attempts to request support, validation, kindness, friendship, or sympathetic contact will be well answered. most of the time it does not turn out that way.  i am generally left alone.  i suppose i should be used to it by now.  i've never really had a mentor or someone who took notice and reached out to pull me from myself.  i have so much to give but no one wants it.  especially now.  all my friends have moved on to their own families, their husband or wife and children.  there's no room for solitary me.  this is just one more circumstance that widens the chasm between me and the rest of the world. 

i am grateful for the few who make an effort to keep contact, invite me around or come when i ask.  Bestest Friend, Shygirl and i try to get together a couple times a month...it's nowhere near enough contact for me, but i'm grateful for what they are able to give.  The Artist and his dear, sweet wife still come around a couple times a month.  i want to hang out with others of my married friends but i don't want to step on toes or get in the way of their domestic responsibilities.  i don't want to be alone anymore and i don't understand why i have to be.

i've signed up for online dating again.  it's no use.  all i get are skanky old men (seriously, 60 and 70 year olds) sending me flirts or saying my picture is pretty.  what am i going to do with a geriatric?  no thanks.  i guess i'm not phenomenal or the most beautiful or successful or whatever but i am kind of a catch and i don't understand why the nice and good men can't see that. 

recently i've been a little caught up in nostalgia the last few days.  kind of a longing for the past and a great desire to go back about 10 years and change some of the decisions i made then.  i want to soak up more of the affection that so freely flowed through the institute back then.  i miss those dear people.  i miss walking into the room and hearing a chorus of people so happy to see me, and all the arms outstretched and eager to embrace me.  i miss having something to do every day that involved at least a few, if not a whole group of people.  i miss the weasel before he was a weasel.  i miss game nights and mini road trips.  i miss movies and conversations and frisbee and Leatherby's or Village Inn or Dee's.  i miss dances and parties and just hanging out at the institute.  i miss the hope and contentment.  i miss all the single people who were so similar to myself.  i really miss the hugs.

can i go back in time for just a couple of days to revive my hope and refill my reservoir?  i don't remember the last time i had a really good hug or a satisfying conversation.  i'm so tired all the time because my reserve is empty.  i need more fillers and fewer drains in my life but i don't know where to find them.  i enjoy my job and i'm generally in a happy place when i'm there.  i love hanging out with my niece and nephews.  i love the time i do get to spend with friends.  i wish i had more time with the people i adore.  i wish i could catch up with everyone else so i could stop being left out all the time.  or i wish i could find that amazing job or the best-selling book idea and become rich, then i'd just buy more friends...ok, maybe not.

anyway, the point behind this silly tangent is that i'm more than what you see here and i'll try to be more positive and post more positive things instead of just writing as an outlet.  invite me around and you'll see i'm really quite delightful in person.

where's the light

it shouldn't be this hard. this isn't the way it should be at all.  i can 't figure out how to change it.  every attempt i've made in the last 10 years to make things better, to get me closer to who and what and where i want to be has only pushed me down and held me back.  i was supposed to be aware of making good decisions...they seemed right at the time but now it seems like every decision i've ever made has been wrong.  i'm so tired of living the wrong life, of being the wrong person.  it's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where i'm trapped in someone else's body and life. how do i get out? how do i find myself and my life? i just can't do this much longer.  i just don't know what to do.

Humpty Dumpty

another restless night, it seems. exhaustion has brought on a torrent of tears and dread of morning. too many thoughts and feelings tonight. avoidance has only enhanced their affect. relating a bit too much to Humpty Dumpty...the shattered and hopeless...fallen...but where are the men and horses with super glue offering to  pick up the pieces?

someone to talk to might help. someone's shoulder to soak up the tears might help more. but it's just after midnight and there isn't anyone. not that there's much of anyone any other time of day, but in the hustle and bustle light it's easier to find avoidance in distraction.

this probably shouldn't settle here but it feels like that old void of deafness these days...no one listening...no one seeing...

it doesn't matter. I don't matter. if i were better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more generous or brave or strong...maybe then...but "if" doesn't mean anything...it isn't what is. what is...is...not much...disappointing...aloneness.

i'm just so tired of this. no wonder my words are forgotten, avoided, ignored...everyone else is tired of it too. i wish i could forget and turn away so easily. i wish i wasn't stuck with myself...especially on sleepless nights.

well, there you are dear wretched void, i'll leave you to it now. swallow my heartbreak, my tears, my discouragement...leave me void and numb again.

i'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.

don't worry, be happy

the night before last i had a dream that really upset me.  it was one of those really vivid dreams that sort of linger after you've awakened.  in the dream a friend and i had a conversation in which he made a decision to stop being friends with me simply because he thought my kindness meant i was in love with him.  i'll admit, recently i have had some thoughts about this friend, wondering if something more could come of our friendship...mainly because he's the only kind man i have around with any sort of regularity these days.  he is not interested in me that way though, so i have abandoned those thoughts.  friendship is much more important to me than...well, pretty much anything else.  i don't want to lose anymore friendships because of suspected "feelings" or "desires" or "expectations" toward romantic intentions.  the dream and lingering emotions inspired by it caused a deep sadness to enshroud me yesterday.  a deep depression threatened to completely overcome my every sensibility.  thankfully i have Bestest Friend and some other great influences in my life.  they reminded me that no matter who loves me or leaves me, i'm not alone. 

i need to get out and make some new friends.  i really need to change my perspective on the "friendship" concept because i'm tired of hurting over "lost friends".  i just want to hold on to people and be able to see them and spend time with them whenever i want and i severely dislike when things change and i'm not allowed easy access to people i love.  it's even harder when it's because they've stopped wanting me in their lives.  i'm really trying to let go.  it's not working at the moment because i'm feeling so entirely disconnected.  all i do is work these days, with new people i haven't quite connected with and it's taking a bit of a toll.  i need a good conversation, some true quality time, and perhaps a bit of tenderness.  for now i'll just have to make due until something better comes along.  i just hope it comes soon.

when words like rivers flow

recently i've been avoiding words and writing.  i haven't wanted to write from the emotions surrounding and permeating me so i just haven't written much.  i didn't want another sad or longing poem, another shattered or bitter or angst-ridden poem.  i'm tired of writing that.  i wanted hope and peace and love and forward motion.  until last night i couldn't find any of that.

i've been struggling with the way things ended...and didn't end, with Photo.  he was sort of the culmination of all the relationships i've had and i'm so tired of holding on to all of that.  i'm done thinking about the past.  i'm done being captivated by the past.  i'm done allowing my former relationships to dictate my future.  what is past is gone and done.  in some ways it has made me who i am (for better and for worse) but i'm done allowing the bad parts to continue tinging my future with negative energy.  i went to the temple today and while waiting for my turn i read in The Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 12:46-47 "Therefore those things which were of old time, which were under the law, in me are all fulfilled. Old things are done away, and all things have become new." i'm starting new.  i'm giving it all to Him and i'm starting fresh from here.  i'm grateful for the Atonement which allows me to become new when i make that decision. i don't know what took me so long but i'm glad i'm finally connecting the dots and moving forward.

Photo hasn't been around much recently and it has been a source of anxiety, not because i want him around or gone, simply because his half existence in my life left me teetering and uncertain of what to think or feel.  finally something in me could feel the end coming and i began to grieve before i realized what i was doing.  the last week was the quickest i've ever worked through the grieving process.  it started last wednesday with a little bit of denial, moved quickly to anger (spending most of my time there), then bargaining and depression, finally ending in acceptance through poetry and an email written on tuesday and wednesday nights.  tuesday i wrote the following poem (it's not the best, but it sort of sums up some of my feelings):

broken hearts

i volunteered to break my heart

so yours could heal

what's the necessity of something

for something for nothing?

i thought it was more tenacious

after all, don't they say what's broken

grows back stronger? 

and God knows

my heart should be steel by now.

i let you in too deep.

knowing from the start 

it wouldn't last, never 

expecting the end to be

so abrupt, so careless, so senseless.

i wasn't done loving you better.

your beginning, so intense, wanting

all of me too soon, too much

i should have known how the

fastest, hottest flames burn out

too effortlessly.

now i'm still trying to extricate you from

my raw, too feeling heart.

and you've not only cast me out

like i never existed in your heart

you've grasped a new hope

in both hands, habitually swiftly

but this time...i won't be there to

break myself for your pieces again.

last night Will and i went to a coffee shop called Alchemy to perform for their open mic night.  he's good at getting up in front of people, playing his music and singing his songs.  i've read my poetry in front of people only a few times and it was always in classes or among my writing peers so i was pretty nervous.  i didn't take any poems with me because it was a busy day and i didn't have a chance to grab anything before i left the house.  i need to start carrying some around in my car or something i guess.  when we got there and the list was almost full i hoped they wouldn't have time for me.  i was last and wanted to chicken out.  but Will wouldn't let me; he has been the greatest encouragement for my poetry and he insisted i read something. so i wrote a poem while i sat there with him, listening to everyone else.  this is the poem i wrote and read.

write you away

can i write you away?

send you from me in letters

addressed to no one and nowhere.

see you fade in words and

sentences on old parchment.

can i write you away?

describe your every detail

with such precision depiction

forms you into a page i can

tear in tiny pieces and blow

you into the surge, away.

can i write you away?

and with your face and hands

and over-strong arms can i

send all the cracks my heart

has collected, not only yours

can i write you away?

with every unforgiven stain still

tainting my should-be flawless

composition; erase to make room

i thought space lacked margins

but new words won't come until

i can write you away

actually, i kind of wrote one and a half poems last night because we wrote one together too.

every other line, his and mine

a hundred miles in space

isn't all that far away

but when my dog has gone grey

and the stars drop from their place

it's enough to break my heart

running away isn't easy as you think

your baggage always seems to grow

rivers and rocks reveal pond scum

and your friends have gone home

no heart wants to run away alone

we're closer to understanding cold fusion

the cold has fused my hand in yours

though your heart has died to free you

you'll never reach that universal shore

so i'll stay and give you heart more

i feel like it might need another stanza or some general tweaking, but it's interesting.  i'm so grateful for Will and for the timing of last night.  he has the most amazing influence on my creativity.  he knows me and loves me and accepts me as i am.  he has always been direct and honest with me, so he is the one man i completely trust.  he encourages me to pursue my writing and he has become the standard of a good man in my life.  i realized today that until i find another man who makes me think and feel the way Will does i won't be placing my heart in anyone elses's hands.  that is the test for my future relationships.  if he doesn't permeate my whole being with goodness, he's not the one for me.

i'm grateful for words.  i'm grateful for lessons learned and for the constant opportunity to change the way i see the world and to move forward in a better direction.  i'm grateful for Photo because from him i learned to be cautious, give information slowly and sparingly until trust has been earned and proven, and to let go when it's over.  all my life i have wanted to hold tight to any person who comes within my sphere of existence.  if i let them into my heart i don't want them to ever leave.  i almost never walk away from people i care about, but it's time i start letting go when they do.  now i'm free to write what i want to write, to pursue hope and peace and, with any luck, finally find the love of my life.  if not in body, perhaps at least in word.

they DO exist!

i hung out with The Artist and D-Ham last night and tonight and i'm feeling much better about life. what dear, kind, wonderful men they are. the more i get to know D-Ham, the more i see what a decent man he is. i sometimes feel that care and protection when i'm with him, i feel safe and accepted. it's the same with The Artist and Will. i know i'm in good hands when i'm with them. i can be myself, whatever my true self is in that moment and i know they'll still like me and want to be with me. they are the very few men i actually do trust. i'm grateful for them this week because my faith in the goodness and reliability of man has taken a severe beating. i'm not grouchy anymore.

i'm sad that things couldn't have gone very differently with the other guy i've written about this week. he just makes me feel depressed,  irritated, agitated, and stressed. i guess that's my intuition telling me to let go. i made a mistake and i really hope i can avoid making the same mistake again. the answer is not to cut out all men from my life, it's to be more selective and really listen to my intuition. if i'm irritated, depressed, or in any way feel distressed about him, i need to just walk away, be it friendship or more. it felt ok for a while, then it went very wrong and i should have let go sooner. i'm not good at walking away from people i care about. i will always care. but he clearly doesn't care about me so i'm walking away.

ok, enough. i've gone over this enough. i look forward to seeing Will this week sometime. and, he's convinced me to read some poetry at an open mic night in a couple weeks. i need a new poem or two.  maybe after hanging out with him this week i'll be inspired. he is the greatest creative influence i've ever experienced in my life and i've missed him.

things are getting better. i'm stripping my life of the influences that bring me down and i'm trying to find more that lift me up. i have great friends and ample opportunities. i even have a couple days off this coming week so i'll be able to finish decompressing and actually do some of the things i haven't had time for recently. i'm gonna be ok.

we regret to inform you

ok, i vented, and that was probably the wrong thing to do.  what i really want is a conversation.  i don't want to be angry or hurt, i want to be mature and communicative and kind.  i want a little time to acclimate to the way things are now. he won't give me a conversation. he won't give me time.  he won't give me courtesy.  he won't give me anything except a text or two once in a while and it's not enough for a legitimate friendship, not after what we've been through...i deserve more than that.  but it seems i won't be getting anything more than a text now and then with empty promises and vague half-commitments.  i don't want texts like that. silence is better than that kind of disappointment. i don’t know if he thinks he’s doing me a favor by texting this way or if he legitimately thinks this constitutes a friendship, but i can’t have an almost-friendship like this.  it hurts and depresses me when he says he’s coming around and then bales at the last minute.  it hurts even more when he says we should get together soon because it’s been too long, like i’m the one who is always unavailable. i have been supportive and inviting and patient.  i’ve tried to be forgiving. every time i get a text from him my heart aches because i can't help but hope he is going to live up to his word and decide to be a friend, but almost every time he has some excuse to not be there.  i wish him luck and happiness, and if he would stop saying he's coming around i'd be fine with minimal communication through text or email.  if he would decide to make the time to come when he says he's going to, that would be fine too.  but this wishy-washy might-maybe-may is just intolerable. make a decision. if you're coming, say you're coming and come. if you're not coming or not sure, don't say you might, just don't say anything.  that way it's a pleasant surprise if you show up, but no disappointment if you don't.  the way things are now he is inconsiderate and unreliable and i don't need people like that in my life.  i don't know if he reads my blog.  maybe i should just email this to him and say, this is how i feel, please be kind.  i don't know.  i never really know what to do when people won't listen and understand and communicate effectively.  i do know it needs to change.

forgiveness & gratitude

they say that's the solution. i must be making it more difficult than it needs to be, i usually do. it just sounds so simple...just forgive and forget. focus on the positive. it sounds simple but it isn't. i've been seeking to make forgiveness an instinctive part of me for half a lifetime and i'm still so lost. i'm going crazy with ache and holding on. i'm going crazy with fear and doubt, distrust. i want to believe that people are generally good, that love is possible and real, not just a fairy tale. i want to believe friendship is not fleeting, and family is more than blood. i don't want the knot in my chest, the panic and pain. i want peace, love, freedom. i don't know how. i don't know how.

every rose has its thorns

♫ when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong... ♫

i'm there. again. i don't understand. i give love but all i get in return is a slap in the face and tossed carelessly aside. i'm worth nothing more than that. i'm weak and luckless.  all that loving brings to me is heartache and loss. it's as though i never existed, he's forgotten me completely, they all have. once the need is filled, the crack repaired, the itch scratched, i'm pushed away and forgotten. i wish i could be so unfeeling, so discarding. well, ok, i'm beat. i give up. the only sure fire way to avoid being mistreated again is to never let anyone in again. i'm tired of hurting because i care about careless people. i'm tired of the thornes, the roses aren't worth it.

a new chapter

tomorrow is my last day working at Seagull Book.  it's bitter-sweet.  i'll miss the friends i've made there.  i'll miss seeing them and talking with them.  we have really had some fun working together and the thought of not seeing them multiple times a week makes me sad.  i won't miss the stress or the feeling of running in five different directions at once.  i won't miss wearing myself out for pennies an hour.  i'll miss the artwork and some of the books.  i'll miss seeing the new product and every once in a while getting free CDs and books.  i'll miss some of my regular customers such as Ethel and Patty-o-furnature who know me by name.  i won't miss the grouchy, demanding, entitled, ego-centric, needy, and generally unpleasant customers.  mostly i'll miss my coworkers but i am grateful that i am good enough friends with them that i hope we will stay in contact over facebook and text messages if not regular face to face interaction.  the store is between my home and my new job so it won't take much to stop in for a visit sometimes. 

i really enjoy my new job.  they treat me like i've been there all along.  they trust me to accomplish my tasks and treat me like an adult of worth and consequence.  the environment is positive and encouraging.  the pay is more than i've ever made in any job i've ever had.  my coworkers are kind and wonderful.  they are easy-going and enjoyable to work with.  i even enjoy working on my own, which i have done quite a lot of in the last month and a half.  i'm learning about artwork and church history.  i'm learning about all sorts of things and i'm eager to learn more.  i guess it would be nice if the position was full-time with benefits, but for the moment i am content with what i have.  i feel like this is the right place for me at this time so i'm trusting that i'm in the Lord's hands and He will take care of my needs as they come. 

it's much easier for me to trust my employment and health in the hands of Heaven than it is for me to trust them with my heart and romantic relationships.  i wish i could find the faith to believe with hope, confidence, and patience that the love of my life exists out there somewhere.  the older i get and the more failed relationships i must recover from, the more my hope in a future positive relationship diminishes.  how do i just release myself into the care of those kind and generous Heavenly hands and trust their timing in this aspect of my life?  i need to figure that out so i can stop focusing so much of my energy and brain power on pining over my deepest desire and just live the life i have in faith and joy.  my lack too often overshadows all the good in my life.  i want to be happy and the only thing that's really standing in the way of that is having a stable and healthy loving and affectionate and mutually respectful relationship with a man who is committed to me and i to him.  if that's the only thing really keeping me from happiness, i really need to find a way to push that one aspect aside for now and just love my life.  i did that pretty well for a while a couple different times in my life.  for a year and a half before the weasel i was generally quite content having fun with my incredible group of friends.  then again a couple years ago, after Bobpi and before the ward split, i was quite content with my group of friends. 

companionship, consistent and stable, is the factor that brings the most satisfaction to my life.  i can't be truly happy alone and i don't want to even try to be happy alone.  humans are by nature social beings, we thrive the most when we are surrounded by people who love us and whose company we most enjoy.  my current social situation is not ideal.  i need to find a way to improve that part of my life so i can be happy.  i wish my happiness was based in something other than companionship as that variable is dependent on other people and i, therefore, can not fulfill my need on my own.  i want to be self reliant and self sustaining...but how can i do that when i need people?  grr.

oh, i didn't intend this post to be a rant or a vent.  it's the middle of the night and i probably should be sleeping instead of blogging.  i lose too much inhibition when i'm half asleep and i complain and ramble too much.  oops!  thanks for listening.  if you have any insight or suggestions, please feel free to comment. :)

naught but my bones

The Well of Grief

By David Whyte

Those who will not slip beneath

     the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water

     to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,

     the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering

     the small round coins

        thrown by those who wished for something else.

 – From Where Many Rivers Meet

my words are missing. my passion is missing.  and so i borrow words from others who are more at one and transcendent with art and life and pure emotion.  i have been there...not recently...but enough to know it's inside me, or i am inside it...

i still feel at the words of others so i know my words are not too far from where i am.  

right now i'm off center.  i'm treading the water unsure if i'm going toward the surface or rock bottom.  maybe neither.  perhaps i'm sinking sideways...or rising...

my decision was made before i consciously realized.  i don't know if it's the right thing but it's done now and i can't take it back.  i don't really have any desire to take it back.  i know by how i feel that i can't be there anymore.  i can't hold my tongue or paste my face with a smile or force myself to do what they want me to do but i don't believe in doing.  they would never fire me, and i wouldn't want that on my record anyway.  they used me too much to ever ask me to leave, though they never expressed respect or value.  i was a tool, a lackey, a pawn.  i won't miss the work or the exhaustion or the aching in my bones.  i will miss the people and the art.  it's not fun for me anymore.  i don't want this to be what my life is about.  my manager said she wished i'd apply for the manager in training program but i don't want to manage that.  i'd simply be a pawn with more responsibility and more frustration and stress.  i don't want that.  i don't believe in the company anymore.  

so i leave and delve into a similar yet vastly different chapter of my story.  my greatest hope is that once i am free of the shackles of what is wrong for me, and more fully immersed in what seems right at the moment, i will find a door open to the life for which i truly ache.  

i'm doing my best, which never seems quite good enough.  but hopefully someday it will be enough.  

perhaps i should get rid of my car.  it's a piece of junk and it keeps breaking in the stupidest and most expensive ways.  but i'm too dependent on my car.  i need a car.  i just really wish it would stop costing so much.  just when i think i'm finally getting on top of things, something else breaks and i'm swamped again.

i want to cry from exhaustion and heartbreak and fear.  grief, that deep grief spoken of in the poem is washing me away and i don't know how to stop it.  so i let it flood.  it is part of the cleansing, part of the healing, part of the transformation i desperately need right now.  i don't want to be me anymore.  not the me that i've become.  i want to be some other me, the future me i haven't met yet.  i need her strength and faith and confidence.  i need her assurance that things are going to get better and i won't be stuck in this me forever.  i don't like the me i am right now.  she's not someone i ever wanted to be...but it seems that she is somehow necessary to that me i will be.  this me is tired and aching all the time; she's antisocial and grouchy; she's scarred and surviving.  i expect more than that from her but she has very little to offer right now.  i'm worn and weary through the bones.  i want to go home.

♫ and i will always love you ♫

Will is on my mind. we had lunch today and as always, it was nice to share some time, but it wasn't long enough. we used to spend hours together, we used to be tight, now we're maybe an hour once a month. i miss him. i miss the way we were. he inspired my creativity and encouraged my writing. he listened and heard and saw me. i never gave enough to him though. i still haven't figured out how to give to him. i almost always give more than i ever receive, but with Will, i'm afraid i'll never know how to even the plain. i could love him so well but he doesn't want my love (friendly or otherwise) so much these days. so i'll give my thoughts and prayers, support and silent love as much as i can. maybe someday it'll make a difference.

teach me

right now i'm in great need of that faith i mentioned in my last post.  my heart hurts in a most familiar way. what is the lesson i'm supposed to learn from this recurring heartbreak? inner strength? the ability to face the moment with dignity and grace? patience? hope?

i really hope this time i learn whatever it is that i've failed thus far to learn so i never have to feel this way again.

enlightened

life is interesting.  about a month ago i was invited to a dinner at the home of a couple from my ward.  at that time i couldn't bring myself to engage in that sort of social situation so i politely declined.  about a week ago i received another call, again, inviting me to dinner.  this time i decided that i should make an effort to be a little more involved in my ward so i said i'd go.  just before i left the house i told my parents that i wasn't sure i was really up for making small talk with a bunch of strangers.  i despise small talk with strangers.  it's exhausting to pretend to be interested in the shallow and mundane in the lives of people i probably won't ever talk with again.  i know, that's a terrible attitude and i need to be better at being truly interested in whatever people want to talk about.  i just always feel like there's something more interesting and important that we could be discussing but it's socially awkward and uncomfortable to dive into such topics with strangers, so i was pleasantly surprised when a friend showed up.  we've known each other for a while but we haven't spent a lot of time together.  every time we do, however, we have great conversations and i sometimes feel like we've been a lot closer friends for a lot longer.  she is so inspiring and encouraging.  i always feel better about myself and life in general after talking with her.  i'm so grateful that she was there.  i felt more confident interacting with the rest of the people because i felt accepted by her and therefore confident to be myself.

this friend has actually been on my mind a lot recently.  i haven't really known why, but tonight as we talked i think i may have caught a glimpse.  i also received a glimpse of the bigger picture of my life.  i've been feeling really lost and confused recently, trying to figure out what my life is about, what purpose i have in existing at all.  my life doesn't follow "normal" pathways.  i keep thinking there must be something wrong with me because i can't get my decisions to match up with what society deems the "acceptable" way to do life.  i do what feels right at any given moment and follow my heart and intuition much more than i follow logic or intellectually planned pursuits.  my frustration in life comes from trying to follow a direction that isn't right for me.  i mentioned to my friend that it will be interesting to look back at the end of it all and finally be able to say "oh, now i see, all those pieces and steps and seemingly completely disconnected and totally random happenings actually had purpose and structure all along."

i love my new job.  it's a lot like my job at the bookstore, except that it's totally different.  my favorite difference is that it's still retail, but there's no emphasis on being a sales person.  it's non-profit, one of a kind, so much more variety of artwork, inside the museum, officially working for The Church, and i get a badge that opens doors and allows me to park in downtown parking lots around temple square.  over the last couple weeks i have noticed certain things that make me think i am in the right place and that choices i've made in the past have been correct for me and have led me to this place right now.  my hope is that this position will lead to a more permanent, full time, benefitted position within The Church.

after dinner my friend and i stood by my car and talked for a while longer.  we talked about employment and relationships and church callings and life.  we talked about how all human interaction and life experience can help each individual become the person they want to be and find the person they want to marry.  i can find in other people the characteristics i want to possess in myself and i can also identify characteristics i don't want to be a part of me.  each relationship (whether romantic or platonic) i've had has taught me something about myself and something about the people with whom i want to interact and integrate into my life. 

during the course of our conversation my friend said that she wants her future sweetheart to have faith like mine.  i don't think i have particularly strong faith.  i feel like my faith is weak and desperately wanting.  i doubt and fear and have little to no confidence most of the time.  but now and then i have moments like this one when i know i've made the right decision.  what i need to learn, what i've been struggling for most of my life to accept is that my intuition is usually correct.  my decisions, ridiculous and counter-intuitive though they may seem at the time i make them, are generally right and are building a foundation for something in the future i just can't see yet.  so it doesn't matter how many people judge me or are disappointed in the decisions i make because they don't add up to what society says i should be doing.  i'm doing what is right for me and that's all that matters. 

i'm grateful for friends who help me explore the difficult topics and help me to understand myself and others better.  i'm grateful for the people who are genuinely enthusiastic and encouraging and supportive of my ideals and dreams and decisions.  i'm grateful for a Heavenly plan that allows me to make mistakes and take detours and come to my own conclusions about things while always providing lessons to learn and mercy to help me find my way back to where i ultimately want to be.  i'm grateful for timing and for the glimpses i get to see of when timing plays out perfectly for my personal benefit...such as putting off going to dinner one month so i could go the next month when my friend was there so we could have a conversation that led to all sorts of insight and enlightenment!

now i just need to figure out how to apply this faith to my love life.  i need to convince myself that the love of my life does exist, that he is out there and it's just a matter of timing and purpose and we will be together when it's right.  my friend said she thinks it would be fun to double date with me sometime so she's praying for the opportunity...and the men.  ha ha ha! friends are great!

incomplete

sometimes i miss someone i'm not even sure exists.  a feeling of deep and profound absence, almost loss, washes me away and i am overcome with sadness and wanting. my arms ache to hold him. i'd give anything and everything just to hear his voice or feel his hand in mine. i want to see him, talk with him, share the same air and space with him. i want to look into his eyes and know that i exist because he sees me and wants to know every ounce of me. i want to run my fingers through his hair, hold his stubbly face in my hands, feel his arms around me...

part of me is still clinging to threads of hope that somewhere out there is a love meant just for me and that someday...hopefully soon...we'll finally find each other.

am i buying in to too many fairy tales and romance novels? am i meant to be one of the loveless, eternally incomplete? i really hope not. Will told me once that of all the people he knows i deserve to be loved and i am very capable of loving. but we don't always get what we deserve...and our capabilities and talents are often not utilized as we'd like. sigh...i don't know what else i can do.

goodnight my someone, good night my love...i miss you, are you missing me too?

should i...or not...pt. 2

i almost quit my job at the bookstore today. after hours of working on the same wall of word art and clocks, the piece of art i reached for knocked against another frame and two pictures with glass fell from the wall and shattered. i wanted to scream and cry and throw the rest of the art on the ground. i wanted to throw a tantrum and storm out.  i'm overwhelmed and i feel like i have nowhere to turn for relief. i'm doing my best but my best isn't good enough at the moment.  i feel completely out of control and i don't know what to do.  what i want most, what would make the greatest difference just isn't available.  a dear friend (preferably male) with arms and at least one ear...i still don't understand why that's too much to ask. 

anyway, i toughed it out, thanks to D and a rather fortuitous visit from Paul-daul.  i still want to quit.  i dread going in tomorrow and particularly Thursday...well, i guess it's only three hours tomorrow, and the boss won't be there Thursday...but the art project i'm working on will take at least through the end of the week...and what little energy and possibly sanity i have left.  i haven't had a day off in almost a month and i haven't been sleeping well...and i'm desperately deprived of affection and i just don't know how much longer i can take any of this.  i'm just so done with life!  ugh!

i just don't know what to do. 

i didn't walk away from the "friend" either. i was frustrated and emotional and just plain stressed and i let disappointment and discouragement overwhelm me.  i'm still sad that things aren't different between us, better between us, but i'm doing my best to make the best of things.  i don't walk away from things just because they aren't ideal.  i'm a fighter, a survivor.  i'm loyal and passionate and searching for the life that fits my dreams and personality. i'm not in the life i want and i can't seem to figure out how to get there.  i'm doing my best to make the best of the life i'm in...i just don't like it at this moment.  ugh...

anyway, for the moment i'm not leaving but i'm definitely adjusting some priorities and scheduling.

should i stay or should i go now?

this seems to be the question of my life right now. well, maybe not my whole life but a couple of fairly key areas. the bookstore, and a certain "friendship." in these two relationships i feel that i give all i have and get so very little in return. i'm really not a fan of one-sided situations. i'm not even treated as valued or appreciated. so why do i stay? why do i keep trying and wasting so much time and energy on people and things that stress me out and sadden my heart? i'm doing it again...i'm allowing my concern for another to negate my own needs and well being. they don't actually care about me, their only concern is their own priorities (which i am not even on the list). so why do i stay?

well, i'm staying at the bookstore because i love my coworkers and even though my new job at the museum is great and pays much better, it's still not enough to wittle away my student loans and credit card debt. i wish they could hire me on full time instead of part time. that would be perfect! but such a position is not currently available. maybe in a few months. i'm trying to convince myself that this is the open door i've been hoping and praying and searching for. i guess we'll see.

as for the other matter...i don't know what to do. i'm tired of always being the half of the relationship that cares more and puts forth the most effort. i'm about ready to just walk away from the whole thing. i feel so...unconsidered. i'm meaningless and neglected. that's the way of people these days though. they care more about themselves or things or whatever than they care about me.  no one has time for me...uninterrupted, undivided time and attention just for me. i guess i should get over it already. i hoped that being busier with working two jobs would help me forget, or at least push it away, but i only feel more lonely and invisible.  i guess maybe it is time for me to go away.

something old...something new...

the next two weeks are going to be a little crazy.  i started my new job yesterday and it's going to be great! but! between the two jobs i'm going to have a lot of long hours.  tomorrow i'll leave home around 7:45am and i won't get home until at least 9:30pm.  i work at the bookstore every morning this week except Saturday and i work at the museum every day except Tuesday and Wednesday (if i remember my schedule correctly).  both managers are so great and willing to work with me on scheduling, which is nice.  i'm a little nervous that i'm getting too old for this kind of being so busy.  if there is any complication between the two jobs i'm afraid i'm going to have to quit the bookstore.  i've been toying with that idea anyway.  it's a lot of stress and hassle for such little pay that it's almost not worth it.  the museum will be a lot less stressful, more rewarding, and (i hope) will open the door to something closer to a full-time career.  on the other hand, i don't want to leave my dear, wonderful coworkers at the bookstore.  they have become great friends.  i hope that things won't be overwhelming or complicated and i'll just be able to work both jobs at least through the end of the year.

i have student loans and a little bit of credit card debt that i would like to pay off.  i have a few monthly bills and my trip to Boston.  between the two jobs i think i'll be able to take care of quite a bit of these financial strains and relieve some of the stress that has been overwhelming me.  i feel a little less stuck than i have been feeling for so long.  i hope this new job will help to provide some of the confidence and direction that i have been lacking the last few years.  the manager said she wants to utilize my writing skills.  i don't know for certain but it is possible that i was the only person she even interviewed for the position.  she told me that after receiving my resume she was so excited to meet me and seemed to want to hire me from the moment we met.  i hope i don't disappoint her expectations.  i don't know what to do with my life.  my goal has been to be a wife and mother, but since that doesn't seem to be in my immediate future, i've struggled to find a different goal.  i decided a few years ago that working for The Church would be my second choice, but i didn't know what i wanted to do or what department my particular talents and skills would benefit.  all i've ever really done is customer service but it is definitely not my passion.  artwork, writing/books, people...these are my passions and though customer service is part of the job description, my passions will be put to use as well.  i look forward to learning and growing and expanding my horizons.  i just hope i don't ruin things somehow.  i continually pray that Heavenly Father will make me equal to whatever tasks are placed before me. 

i don't know how much time i will have for socializing in the next few weeks or months, but i do hope that somewhere in the middle of getting lost in employment, i'll find a little friendship, and maybe a little romance...
i particularly really, really want some romance.  i'd like to get involved with a man who doesn't want to focus on, or even discuss the past.  i want to start with us, here and now, and move forward together.  somewhere down the line we can talk about where we've been, but i'm trying to focus on where i am and where i'm going.  i can't do anything about the past, it is what it is, i want to move and progress and stop feeling trapped or inhibited.  i've wasted too much of the present allowing myself to be stuck in the past.  i'm finally ready for something new.

words

words are funny. the ways in which people construct communication through the collection and connection of words is funny too. i have a tendency to read too much into these generally carelessly thrown together sentences and poorly thought out communications sometimes. i try to tell myself that he didn't mean it the way it sounds...or the way he said it. for whatever reason he simply felt like making small talk and those are the words that came to mind. he didn't mean anything by them. he didn't mean to sound unkind, or that his activity was better because i was not with him this time. that's how it sounded, but i'm sure that 's not what he meant. not that it really matters what he meant...

sometimes i do wish people would be a little more thoughtful and considerate in the way they use their words. oh well. most people don't really think about what they say, or how those they speak to might perceive their meaning...or lack thereof.

ugh :-(

i need to meet some new men; the ones i have left aren't doing me much good these days.  they don't hug, aren't around very often, aren't trustworthy when i really need a man-type friend...i miss having good guys around. all my good guys are either married or seriously dating...D-Ham's a fairly good guy i guess. he's about the best guy friend i have these days. i wish he were a hugger. and i wish i felt comfortable asking him for a blessing. i think i really need one right now but i don't have a man in my life i trust to give me one. i wish i could find the love of my life. i miss him so deeply right now.

sigh...oh well.

unexpected

well, the job is mine.  i'm sure it will be great! right?  ok, i'm not sure.  this morning i had my mind made up that i wasn't going to take it if she ever got around to offering, but then when i saw the number flashing, answered the phone, and heard the words, i couldn't stop myself from accepting.  it's more money for doing basically what i've done for the last two and a half years.  i should be ecstatic! maybe when i've officially started...

i am grateful for this new opportunity.  i am grateful that i'll be able to pay off some of my debt and not have to stress quite so much about finances.  i am grateful that i will learn some new skills and meet new people.  i am grateful that i will learn more about the artwork of The Church.  i am grateful that i will be given opportunities to use my writing skills, refresh some Word skills, and learn some new computer programs. 


it's a step in the right direction.  i hope it is the open door i've been praying for.  i hope this will lead to something bigger and better than it currently appears.  i really need something good and progressive in my life.  at the very least it should give me enough money to go to Boston with the girls in September.  i'm a little nervous about working two jobs.  what will it do to my already diminishing social life?  what will it do to my already weary mind and body?  will the extra money be worth the time i don't get to spend with friends and family?  or will things work out to allow for that? 

i'm worrying too much.  this is the moment when a man who loves me would be particularly appreciated.  he could take me in his arms, hold me close and remind me that i'm strong enough and brave enough to accomplish anything, and that everything will be alright.  or, he doesn't even have to say anything...i just need someone to hold me for a while.  sigh.  i don't want to do this alone anymore.  but i don't have a choice.  so, i'll remind myself of the words i most need to hear.  i can do this.  i've worked two jobs before.  i've worked and gone to school.  i've accomplished plenty in my life and this is nothing compared with some.  and i've done it all basically on my own...well, Heavenly Father made it all possible and got me through it all.  but sometimes i wish Heavenly Father was here beside me, in the flesh, to hold me and help me through these anxious moments in that way.  but my ways are not His ways, and He knows best and all.  so there's purpose in all of this struggle to find a job, struggle to find happiness without companionship, struggle to make it through another day when i really wish i could just quit.  somehow He gets me through, and i'm grateful.

it's time for sleeping i suppose.  it's after midnight and i haven't been sleeping well recently so i'm particularly weary and rambling.  as always, thanks for listening/reading.   i hope this job is the first in a string of positive improvements and steps of progress in my life.  after all, it's about time some really good moments came around.

agency is a bittersweet gift

agency is not my favorite gift.  they say it's important and that it's necessary and that we chose it before we came to this life.  generally i guess i can see why it's so great.  i don't like being bossed around all the time.  sometimes it's fun to be able to make my own decisions...but the trouble i'm having with it right now is that i have some pretty major decisions to make and i just can't seem to figure out what to do.  i want someone else to tell me what to do.  yesterday morning i the stress of uncertainty overwhelmed me and i snapped.  my dad asked if i wanted a muffin and i couldn't even make that decision.  i wanted the muffin, but i knew there were only two left and if i ate it, chances were my dad wouldn't get one.  that was the trouble i had with making that decision.  i didn't want to inconvenience anyone, or deprive anyone by taking something someone else wanted. 

my major decision right now is employment.  i've never wanted a career.  it's not that i am lazy or don't want to be self reliant, i'm actually very responsible and a good worker, the trouble is that i'm a little picky about what jobs i do because my priorities are a little different than most in society.  i won't work on Sundays; that's one decision i made a long time ago and i won't slacken my resolve.  i know there are professionals that are required to work on Sundays, and it's not a judgement thing, it's a personal choice and commitment between me and the Lord.  i'd rather work doing something worthwhile, something i believe in.  i've stayed at the bookstore for so long because we're not open on Sunday, we sell books, and they are books that support my beliefs and ideals.  if they would give me a raise i'd probably stay forever.  i do so much there, and my boss relies on me a lot, but upper management, for whatever reason, doesn't see the value in taking care of the front line workers.  i have never understood that.  the front line is what makes and keeps customers.  we're the ones who do the work that fortifies the foundations and keeps the company stable and functional.  the best way to build a successful business is to hire dependable, hard working and dedicated employees, and take good care of them so they take good care of the customer base.  when morale drops, sales and other productivity drops too.  when morale is high, the business thrives.

i'm worn out.  i'm completely frayed and falling apart.  my body aches and i feel like i'm 91 instead of 31.  i can't sleep, i'm exhausted and anxious all the time...my credit is nearly maxed out and i'm barely making my student loan payments.  my kind boss gives me as many hours as she can; she's always trying to help me out and i really appreciate it, but i haven't really had a day off in a long time and it's taking a toll.  i need a less physically and emotionally taxing job.

last week i had two interviews with the store at the Church History Museum.  it's a lot like what i do now, only it pays better and it's downtown and The Church would be my employer.  i felt really good about the first interview, but not so good about the second interview, and now i'm not sure i'll take the job even if it's offered.  my boss is more than willing to work around whatever hours they want to schedule me (if they hire me) and it would be a great influx to my finances, but i don't know if my body and sanity can handle working two jobs.  i'm less and less sure i'm even going to be offered the job.  i don't know what to do.  i'd like to find a job that's not retail, not customer service in any way. i'd like a low-stress job in a quiet room where i can just listen to my iPod, do my work, and get paid enough to pay off my debts and not have to worry all the time about how i'm going to make ends meet.  but what kind of job is that?  what do i look for?  where do i find a job like that?  i really don't know what to do.

who wants to make my career decisions for me?  all i want is to be a work at home mom and raise my own family.  that's all i've ever wanted and for the life of me, no matter how hard i try, i can't come up with another dream.  and yet, try as i might, i can't find a husband either.  i feel so trapped.  i feel like the decision isn't mine after all.  i can't make someone hire me.  i can't make someone love me.  i can't make upper management give me a raise or value me or treat me with respect.  all i can do is my best and trust that the Lord with somehow fill in the rest.  i've always been taken care of...most of the time just barely getting by, but i do always get by.  i'm trying not to stress.  i'm trying to have faith.  i'm failing at both right now, but i'm working through it.  somehow, someday, things will get better.  i just wish i could find my place.

the sun'll come out tomorrow

well, another rejection...but it really wasn't the job for me anyway. i would like to figure out what job is best for me...oh well. my search continues.

as long as i keep my thoughts away from certain topics, life is actually a lot better that i generally let on. i've started sketching. before i ever thought of being a writer, i wanted to be an artist. my favorite classes in elementary and jr high school were always the art classes. i love creating things with my hands. i love painting, generally ceramics or wood. the thought that predominates my mind these days is that i'd like to learn to paint landscapes and portraits.

one of the books i'm currently reading is about an artist. it's actually about an artist who is in a mental institution, his story told from the perspectives of his therapist, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and letters written between two people from the 1800's with whom the artist is obsessed. the book is very intriguing in many levels for me. it makes me want to paint/sketch, write, and take more psychology classes.

i've been thinking a lot about taking some classes...or even going back to school full-time. i love going to class, discussing and gaining knowledge and ideals, having a reason to get up in the morning, something to focus on and work toward. if i were to go back, either for a second bachelor or a masters degree, i'd be the first in my family to earn either. that thought strongly appeals to me. if money weren't an object i'd stay in school forever. sadly it is an issue and i have no money to spend on much of anything right now.  i do have some better ideas what to study if i did go back...more career focused ideas than i did to begin with. and now that i've been through it once, i have a better idea how to go about my education in a more productive and future-oriented way.

decisions, decisions...how do i decide what to do?

still awake

i'd rather be sleeping, but i have too much on my mind at this moment.  it would be nice if i had someone to talk with, someone who would listen then give me honest and helpful feedback...i feel like that doesn't happen very often when i try talking to people, asking them for help.  maybe it's because the things i need help with are decisions i have to make on my own.  i really wish someone else could make my current decisions for me because i just can't seem to figure it out for myself. 

the trouble is still this dumb job situation.  i just don't know how to find employment that will pay me enough without stealing my soul or causing me to feel completely overwhelmed.  i know i'm probably looking at the situation all wrong, but i can't seem to find a better perspective.  i don't know what i want to do...or what i want to do is either currently out of my reach or simply doesn't pay enough.  i'm not seeking great riches, i just want to make enough so that i can pay my bills and have a bit left over to go to Boston in September and just not have to stress over whether or not my next paycheck is going to cover my minimal expenses.  my talents and desires just don't lie in the workforce...not the lucrative workforce anyway.

i'm exceptional at customer service/retail/cashiering...but there is absolutely no money in that unless i go into management or go back to school for a marketing or business degree.  those ideas send me into a fit of anxiety, so i know those are not the paths for me.  but what is my path?  where does my future lie?  what jobs should i look for?  where should i look?  i've applied for various jobs and have even interviewed for some, but to no avail.  i'm either over qualified, or under qualified.  i can't say with certainty how long i will stay.  i don't have a five year employment plan because the thought of being employed anywhere for the next five years makes me panic.  36.  i'll be 36 years old in five years and the thought of still struggling to get myself out of bed every morning to drag myself to work, pretending i wouldn't rather be at home raising my children that i may never have makes me want to end it all this second.  i really am trying to not be so dramatic, and to have a better outlook and attitude, but it's the hardest thing i've ever done to keep my chin up and be happy for so many others when they have the life i would do anything for and may never acquire.  it kills me a little more every day.  i wish i had ambition for a career, i really do, it would make my life so much easier and more enjoyable.  i have search and tried for over 10 years now to find something that captivates and impassions me, something other than being a wife and mother, but i just can't find anything that even comes close. 

it was easier a few years ago when most of my friends were still single and i had more than a few childbearing years left ahead of me, but now that more friends are married and having children than not, and my window of opportunity is rapidly closing, it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to even try.  i'm becoming less desirable by the day.  i really need to find something else for my life to be about, some other hope and dream to reach for and live for.  but what? 

words fail me.  i have nothing to write about except these dumb little whining blog posts that hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads.  i want to write someone truly worthwhile, captivating, enchanting, life changing, but i know i'll never be a renowned author or poet.  my mind is too often a creative blank these days.  the passion inside me has all but dried up and blown away.  all i have to draw from is disappointment and regret, fear, doubt, discouragement and pain.  who wants to read about that in a world too overly consumed by it all already?  i used to end with hope but i'm afraid i've lost even that.  ugh! i need a change, a vacation, a tryst, a something really great to get my blood flowing again.  i just feel so apathetic and worthless.  i'm invisible, under appreciated, used, trampled, ignored, forgotten, washed up.  i feel so drab and dull...i've lost all vitality and vivacity.  how do i get it back?  i guess sleep might help...sigh.