decisions

all my defenses are on high alert.  my nerves are raw and wired.  my entire being is exhausted and aching.  i'm afraid the solution is something i don't think i have the courage to do.  it's not an easy decision and i want to find a way to be in between instead of all or nothing...but i'm stuck in all, with nothing.  i don't know what to do, or how to do it.  why can't it just be easy?  why can't things change in mutually beneficial ways?  why can't life be fair and equal?  why can't people be considerate and attentive?  why can't i heal myself so i can stop getting myself into self-destructive situations?  why can't i be selfish enough to get myself out of self-destructive situations, even if it means possibly hurting someone else?  i don't hurt people.  i heal people.  but if i'm hurt in the process of trying to help someone else?  that's not okay.  Bestest Friend isn't vocal and adamant about things very often, but she very specifically and emphatically told me to wordlessly walk away.  i should listen, she's usually right. but how can i?  either way it hurts, but which will hurt less in the long run?  i guess if i just sit here and fret about it long enough the decision will be out of my hands...

i have too many decisions and not enough answers or guidance.  i don't know what to do!  i want to curl up and hide instead of making decisions...but i can't really do that, can i?  i want to stay but i need the circumstances to be different.  but the circumstances won't change, so i have to walk away...but where do i go?  what do i do?  and how do i find the courage to do what i need to do?  maybe a blessing would help...if i could find a man i trust to give it...maybe The Artist...or Will, if he could ever find the time to remember me.  he said he'd call, but who knows when?  i want a moment of his time, but i don't want to bother him, or set myself up for disappointment when he says he doesn't have time...or forgets.  i wish i could stop looking, stop hoping, stop needing.  but i'm human, just like everyone else.  i just wish i was better at making decisions.  i feel like i always choose unwisely.

grasping at faith

i hurt.  i'm restless and aching and  feeling the clouds closing in around me.  my day actually started out okay, then it got better, then it was pretty good, then it took a dive.  i read something that felt like a punch in the stomach and a slap in the face...but attempting to replace my hurt with compassion, i tried to reach out but my hand was slapped away.  then my headache intensified, i feel queasy and i can't stop sneezing and now i just want to curl into a ball and cry until i'm washed away.  i know i'm too sensitive and too easily affected but i've tried for years to stop letting things get to me and it's just no use.  i try to handle others with compassion and kid gloves and i wish others would be a little more sensitive, considerate and kind toward me...anyway, i tried all sorts of things to distract me but nothing helped.  then i turned on my playlist of Sunday Songs and these are some of the words that spoke to me.  i'm not feeling much better, but it's interesting that so many other people feel the way i do...enough that a lot of songs have been written on similar topics.  anyway, i had written this big, long, whiny post but i'm going to cut myself off here, and leave you instead with a few words of hope and comfort.  i hope they give a little relief to whatever pains and heartaches you're currently struggling with.


♫ when your other half is taken ♪ the road seems more than twice as rough ♪ but you must know that you won't be forsaken ♪ though this stretch is awfully tough ♪ you can make it ♪ though it's not easy on your own and not what you planned ♪ you can make it ♪ when you feel like you just give half enough when you give all you can ♪ i'm sure the judge will understand ♫  Michael McLean

♫ and then my heart was broken ♪ and my eyes were opened ♪ i could feel His arms around me ♪ i could feel His love surround me ♪ oh, and i felt His grace ♪ and i will praise His name ♪ i lived for so long without knowing ♪ i didn't care where i was going ♪ until my heart was broken ♫ Hilary Weeks

♫ as we beg for peace and trust in His love ♪ we may not get the answers we want ♪ but answers come pouring from heaven above ♪ and He whispers -- ♪ you will know what to do ♪ just keep listening for direction ♪ the path is yours to choose ♪ turn your heart where i beckon ♪ every question will be answered ♪ so don't lose your faith ♪ God is here waiting with you in your waiting place ♪ you are never alone in your waiting place ♫ Calee Reed

♫ every fear, every doubt, all the pain i went through ♪ was the price that i paid to see this view ♪ now that i'm here i would never trade ♪ the grace that i feel and the faith that i find ♪ through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights ♪ i used to pray He'd take it all away ♪ but instead it became ♪ a beautiful heartbreak ♫ Hilary Weeks

♫ when her heart surrenders ♪ to the master in control her ♪ spirit learns the lessons of the tempest in her soul ♪ when it's no longer raging ♪ she can see how far she's come ♪ through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son ♪ sometimes He lets it rain ♪ He lets the fierce winds blow ♪ sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow ♪ He can move mountains of grief ♪ and oceans of pain ♪ but sometimes He lets it rain ♫ Tyler Castleton

and some of my "no worries scriptures" too...

"He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me." Psalm 55:18

"Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will i make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast." Psalm 57:1

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9
 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10

"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." Isaiah 43:2

"For i reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

"If God be for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:35, 37-39

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:25-34

there are many more but i have to go try to sleep now.  i hope something here has helped.  i love you and so does Heavenly Father.  you're not alone, and neither am i, though it feels that way too much of the time.  for whatever reason, this is the test and He has not sent us here to fail.  He's there, He's helping, He's already saved us, we just have to keep going until it's done.

only always you

searching for you everywhere, every day
hoping each moment will be the one
bringing you and me to share the same space
catching glimpses of you in the face or word
of some other body or story leaves me
stunned and spinning, wishing anew
for only always you

dear friend, what's taking you so long to find
this other half of yourself, lost in me?
do you feel the empty aching waiting?
it distracts me from movement and purpose
you are my only legitimate source or guide
leading me into life, full and true
with only always you

you'll hear me, see me, feel me, free me
show me how to be whole and healed
instead of dark and twisty, too afraid to move
just that look in your eye, touch of your hand,
the strength of your tender fingers entwined
i need the quiet confidence that settles like dew
brought by only always you

intollerably long days and restless nights leave me
wondering if you're any more than an elusive dream
beating heart and wispy spirit hovering between
gauzy curtains of fear, doubt, relentless enduring hope
constantly reaching, wishing, aching, waiting
for the bright and beaming, ever gleaming sky of blue
painted by only always you

well, it's not great, but it's something...
i just wish i could write a poem that's happy and fulfilling instead of always so packed with longing and sadness. someday maybe. this poem is not necessarily written for that ever elusive love of my life...but possibly for that ever elusive best friend or soul twin...that person who knows me, sees even what i hide (and loves me anyway), helps me be the best and bravest i can be...and always says the right thing in just the right moment. i miss this friend as though i knew him once upon another place and time, but we lost each other somehow. sigh, i guess it's probably just a futile and childish hope in a ridiculous ideal...
i just wish i could shake the ever present feeling that part of me is missing.

a new old dream

for as long as i can remember i have wanted one thing.  recently i've been obsessing over this one desire, and i'm nearly convinced it's a dream i need to give up.  i've done everything i can to prepare myself and to open myself to receiving, but it's becoming less and less likely that my dream will ever be realized.  i need to find a new dream.

i've been trying to figure out what else i've ever wanted.  the only other dream i can come up with is to be an artist.  i don't have raw, innate, indisputable talent in any particular medium, but i have potential in many areas (if i work hard enough).  my dear friend Rainie keeps telling me that i need to write a book.  my parents have told me for years that i should pursue photography.  i've taken art classes and some of my drawings weren't too bad.  perhaps i should have been an art major...or at least minor.  perhaps i could have done graphic design or something.  i gave up on art because i didn't think i was good enough.  i give up on a lot of things too quickly and easily.

ok, so i guess i shouldn't entirely give up on the dream that truly consumes my heart and most waking thoughts...but perhaps it's beyond time to push it to the back and pull another dream to the forefront for a while.  it's at least something to think about.  the one thing that has always held me back from pursuing art is the excessive cost...well, and the lack of confidence.  but, with the encouragement of friends and family, perhaps i can conjure up enough confidence to find my place as an artist.  i have the heart of an artist, and practically the lifestyle (struggling, penniless, prone toward the dramatic...you know). 

tonight as i was driving home from a meeting on the east side, i maneuvered my car around a curve onto the freeway and as i came up over a rise, i saw the most beautiful scene in front of me.  i wanted to stop my car right then and there, despite the danger of such a thing, so i could take a picture.  of course i did not stop and therefore do not have a picture to show you. moments like this make me wish i were a painter.  then, i could take a mental picture and transport it to a canvas, or at least poster board.  something to work on.

the metallic yellow glow from the nearly setting sun burst through the clouds and cascaded down the darkening mountains, transforming the great salt lake into a reflecting pool of gold.

well, there's an attempt to illustrate in words, though it doesn't even come close to doing justice.

i don't know.  i'll toy around with things and see what i can come up with.  art is a dream i can achieve on my own.  i don't require another person in order to create a masterpiece.  i need nature, imagination, my camera, pen, paper, paint, clay...etc.  i'm sure, though, if i do need some pointers or help in any way, The Artist, Will, Photo, and others will be willing to lend their learning and expertise.  Photo said he'd go with me this weekend sometime to take some pictures...if the weather cooperates.  maybe i'll try some sketches this weekend too.

i don't know.  all i know is that i need something to be passionate about that doesn't involve other people.  at least until i can figure out how to not need anything from anyone.  i want to give.  i want to love.  i want to help others through their difficult times...but my need keeps getting in the way.  maybe i just need to split my focus, make something else at least as important in my life as are people.  i've got to find some passion, some purpose that is completely independent and reliant only on myself.  i hope it's art.  i hope i can come up with something worthwhile.  i don't know what else to do.

but it's in the middle of the night!

can't sleep. i've been having lots of strange and not awesome dreams recently. when i was a kid i had a lot of nightmares...that's where my insomnia started; i was simply afraid to go to sleep. so i would turn on some music and write or watch tv until i couldn't keep my eyes open. that was when i was in jr high and high school though. the bad dreams started when i was very little. i'd wake up crying or screaming in the night and couldn't sleep until i was safely tucked between my parents, lying on my side, facing dad's back with my hand on his shoulder. sometime i wish i were that little girl again so i wouldn't have to be so alone in the night.

in high school the nightmares got worse. i'd wake up paralyzed with fear, certain a dark presence was in my room. a kind seminary teacher who took an interest in my well being that semester suggested i read scriptures before i go to sleep and keep them beside my bed to use as a shield against unwanted nightly visitors. it helped. the nightmares diminished a bit. i still make sure i read at least a few verses before trying to sleep because when i try to sleep without reading it's well nigh impossible.  but even with the scriptures and prayers, i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping.

i have too much on my mind and no one to talk it out with. no one has time. all i ever want from anyone is a bit of their time...undivided attention. that goes back to childhood too; the emotional neglect i'm still struggling to forgive and make up for. no one has time for me these days. so i guess i'll just have to find a way to fill in on my own. right now i really wish i had someone to talk to...my heart is sad and aching and i need someone to remind me why i should hold on to the sliver of hope i'm still trying so hard to cling to. it would be so much easier just to let go.  if i ever do let go it'll be in the middle of the night...when i'm most alone and lonely.
i need a good hug and a listening friend...alas, i'm not really sure where to find either these days...or nights. oh well, i'll survive.

is it underneath the willow tree...?

Otherwise the Darkness

 By St. Thomas Aquinas

I have a cause.
We need those don’t we?
Otherwise the darkness and
the cold gets in and
everything starts to ache.
My soul has a purpose, it is
to love;
If I do not fulfill
my heart’s vocation,
I suffer.

a while ago while perusing a poetry book at the B&N i came across this poem.

it's precisely how i feel so much of the time.

i'm most depressed and aching when i feel i'm not being allowed to love.

let me clarify...

i'm a nurturer by nature and when i see someone who needs to be taken care of, 

i want to...for lack of a better term...love them better.

i could love you so well, if you'd let me.

with girls it's easy.  there's no complication there.

with guys, however, it can get very complicated...

because too often guys are macho, egotistical idiots.

when i'm too nice and overly affectionate, it doesn't mean i want to marry them,

it just means i want to do whatever i can to nurse them back to emotional health.

one of my greatest gifts and purposes in life is to help others heal.

with so much destruction and hatred and selfishness in this world,

my only real desire is to spread a little love and peace and healing.

when i know i'm supposed to be helping someone and they won't let me

i get really depressed and stressed.

i've been really depressed and stressed recently.

my poor heart has been overflowing with compassion

but for someone who has been avoiding me 

because he thought i was in love with him.

well, i'm not.

i was, but haven't been for months.

i care very deeply for him

he seemed like the kind of guy i could be good friends with

but i was fooling myself.

now i don't know where we stand.

he won't talk about it.

he keeps texting me, shallowness and small talk

i hate small talk

but doesn't want to see me?

doesn't have time to act like a friend?

i'm confused.

i don't know what to say or do.

i'm afraid that if i am overly kind or enthusiastic or chatty, 

he'll get the wrong idea...and break up with me again

...even though we haven't been "together" for months.

i'm tired of my compassion and kindness being misunderstood.

i'm tired of my generosity and affection leading to my heart being hurt.

i love, i suffer

i don't love, i suffer

well, i guess part of this life is suffering.

i hope someday my karma comes around 

and i get to be loved and cared for and healed by someone who is like me.

i deserve love and kindness and friendship too.

My Heart's Vocation

By Me (2005?)

Sent down from Heaven up above

My greatest purpose just to love

But through the course of earthly woe

Heartache has tossed me to and fro

Hiding behind a mask from youth

At times forgetting strength and truth

I would remove this mask I wear

And let you see what’s hidden there

But when it all is said and done

And this long race is finally won

Will you stand with your hand in mine

And love me with a heart Divine

Or in the face of troubled sky

Will my poor soul in sorrow cry

Because you would not understand

And so from me withdrew your hand

To make me walk this road alone

Without a love to guide me home

My only wish forever more

To find a love like none before

So here I wait with willing heart

Searching for one who stands apart

Able to see with eyes of grace

The soul that hides behind this face

i'm not going to stop caring and loving and helping others heal
but i am going to try to be more cautious.
i'll probably fail, my compassion always wins out
but i don't know how to trust anyone anymore...guys anyway.
i won't be looking for romantic love anytime soon, though i ache for it
i won't be looking for friendly love anytime soon either
quite possibly, i will be shutting down for a while so attend
to the fresh and reopened wounds.
i don't want to close myself off,
but i don't know how to be around people i can't trust,
and right now i don't know how to trust much of anyone.

i lost my best friends.
all of my everyday friends dispersed at once
and i was left too alone too suddenly.
i was looking for a friend to fill in part of the enormous, gaping void
but now it's only wider and more unbearable.
now i don't know what to do.

warmer weather will help.
sunshine and wandering in nature
writing, reading, taking pictures
finding more employment...fingers crossed
distraction, filling my time with whatever i can come up with to do on my own...
i'm all alone. it's really time for me to accept that.
shallow and meaningless conversations,
too little time, too much distance
too much alone.

i ❤ spring!

every other week we have family dinner.  my brother and sister and their families come over.  

i always sit between the boys...the honored place for the favorite auntie!

the weather today was the best it's been in a long time so after dinner 

everyone went out to the backyard to play for a while.  

we had a great time!

my favorite moments of the week are always the moments i get to spend with these kids.

 

i just love this picture! "tag! you're it!" one of the kid's favorite games

"are you gonna push me, or what?"

my other favorite quote from him tonight, "i'm just having fun!"
it's not difficult to have fun when i'm with these kids.

after they left i went downstairs to my cave
tried to decide what to do with myself for the rest of the night.
sunday nights are a little depressing for me these days.
i used to love sunday nights because i spent them
at firesides and ward prayer with my dear friends.
those days are over though...
so now i spend most sunday nights alone.

the moment i started to sink,
i decided it was too nice a night to spend wallowing in self pity and loneliness.
i grabbed my ipod, notebook, sunglasses, and camera and headed out on foot.

 

some pretty trees i saw as i was walking through the neighborhood. 

i like the white blossoms against such a gorgeous blue sky

i ended up at the park behind the elementary school in the neighborhood

my favorite part of going to the park has always been the swings! 

i love the feeling of flying 

the rise and fall

the rush of air around me

the flutter in my tummy

 all my muscles felt tight when i got to the park so i decided to lie down in the grass and stretch...

...and took some fun pictures

this is kind of how my world has been recently, just a little wonky

 i love the clean, breathable air and the sweet, freshness of the earth this time of year.  i lay in the grass for at least 15 minutes, just taking pictures and loving the lack of coldness...it's been a long winter and the hope of spring was an amazing tender mercy today.

 the sky was beautiful!

i caught a glimpse of a small rainbow shining through the wisps at the top of the cloud...though i didn't get my camera out fast enough to take a better picture, you can kind of see it.

i love little things like that. it's possible that no one else in the world saw that tonight so i can claim it as a little gift from Heaven just for me.  i guess that's a lesson, we see what we're looking for.  i was looking for beauty and tender mercies in heaven and i found one.

 these are a couple more pretty pictures of the pre-sunset.

as i mentioned, my favorite part of going to the park is swinging!  here's a picture i took while soaring. 

when i first sat on the swing, i thought of my nephew

"are you gonna push me, or what?"

now, don't get me wrong, i've been pushing myself on the swing for many years, but they've done something to the swings at this particular park and i can barely touch the tip of my toe to the ground when i am sitting on the swing.  add to that the fact that i was trying not to drop my camera while hoisting myself onto the swing, so i didn't have the best footing for liftoff.

for a moment i sat nearly motionless

 

 

 

then i started to wiggle

lean forward

and backward

kick my feet around

and in a few seconds...

i was flying!

it would have been easier to reach great heights with someone else there to give me an initial nudge

but if someone else had been there, they might have distracted me from the beauty...

or they might have gotten bored waiting for me to find the right shot...

i'm sometimes insecure about taking pictures when others are around.

what if they don't like what i'm doing?

what if they get in the way and block my shot?

what if they want to leave before i'm ready?

on the other hand, they could add to the picture...

they certainly add to the moment...

i can get myself swinging on my own 

and i can take pictures that i want to take
but sometimes it's more fun to have someone else there too.
for tonight, i'm grateful i was content on my own.

i'm grateful for the warmth and beauty of today

i'm grateful for the pictures i was able to take

it's been too long since i've sought out photographic opportunities

 especially in nature

i really need to do that more often this spring and summer

where do broken hearts go?

maybe Harry (When Harry Met Sally) was right, guys and girls can't be friends.  my heart is broken and aching tonight not because i found out he's not in love with me, i've known that for a while (in fact, i'm not convinced he ever really loved me at all).  it's not about romance.  it's about realizing, yet again, that no one will ever understand me or my heart.  it's about realizing that i will never have the FRIEND i so dearly wish and hope and ache for because of that.  all this time i've thought Photo and i were moving into that kind of friendship but i should have known that's not possible because men are idiots who don't listen and think with a different part of their anatomy than they should.

my heart is too loving.  words are so inadequate because i don't think the word "love" is the best representation for what i'm trying to express.  that word has been twisted and tainted and cloned in too many different ways and for too many different purposes and has lost all it's purity.  to love someone doesn't always mean you are romantically (and actually "romantically" is another word that isn't used as it ought to be, but that's a different post) interested in them.  to love someone means that you care about their life and well being and that you would do whatever you could to help them to be happy.  i can (romantically) fall in love with just about any man who claims to have those feelings for me.  as soon as i realize they don't have those feelings for me, however, i take them out of the "romantic love" pocket of my heart and put them into the "friend love" pocket.  to be honest, i never fully let Photo into the "romantic love" place because i don't trust easily, i never fully believed him when he said he loved me.  i did let him into my heart though, into that deep love place that goes beyond labels of any sort because he was in such great need of love.  i will care about him forever because he is one of the misfits, one of the broken and battered of whom i am the leader.  once someone is in my heart they always have a place there.  i still love the weasel even though he is never, EVER allowed back in my life; i wish him well and even pray for him sometimes, that doesn't mean i ever want to see him again, let alone marry him. 

for the past several weeks i've been trying to emphasize with Photo my need for a FRIEND, but he hasn't understood that was what i was looking for.  tonight he told me he's been keeping his distance because he thought i had lingering ROMANTIC feelings for him and he didn't want to lead me on.  how many times do i have to tell him that keeping his distance is what hurts because i am in need of his FRIENDSHIP?  but he doesn't hear me, doesn't understand me, so i guess he's not a very good friend like i thought he could be.


i've really needed a FRIEND.  someone who understands depression and has the compassion to not ignore or shun me just because i struggle with it.  Photo gives good hugs.  he's pretty much the only man in my life right now that gives really good hugs.  that doesn't mean i want to make out with him or marry him, it just means that when i need a good hug, he's the one i think of.  he has also struggled with depression and anxiety, so i thought he was someone i could rely on to be a friend and understand what i'm going through.  we have similar interests, we're both writers and photographers and like movies and music.  we have a lot in common so he's someone i like being around.  he's generally a good person...when he's not so thick-headed...and if he'd get over where we've been and catch up with where i'm trying to go (good friendship) he really does have great potential to be a good friend.  but after the conversation we had tonight i don't know if that's really possible.  i don't know how to trust him if he can't figure out how to hear what i'm saying and stop distancing himself from me for reasons that aren't even an issue.  i've said it all along, he's not my type.  i'm not particularly attracted to redheads, our taste in food is drastically different, and physically we don't really fit together very well.  and the biggest reason i have pretty much known all along that we would should not be romantically involved is that we are completely incapable of effective communication...obviously. 

there was a time i hoped he was the one...less because of him specifically, more because i am tired of waiting for the love of my life to come.  i would be settling if i went for him...he's wonderful in a lot of ways, he's just not what i am looking for.  if i could choose any man that i have ever known to be the one for me, it would be Will.  the only flaw he has that i can't handle is that he's not in love with me.  i love him too much to let that get in the way of our friendship though, so i tuck that little truth away in the depths of me and just accept his friendship as he is willing and able to give it.  no harm, no foul.  he told me the last time we hung out that he thinks of me as his "kid sister" (even though i'm technically older by 8 months).  he loves me in some way, that's all i need from him.  so it is with Photo.  i've already wiped the past from my mind and rewritten him into my life as another big brother i never had and always wanted...or since we've kissed, he can be a cousin i never had and always wanted (you know, kissin' cousins...ha ha ha). 

i may never get married.  i'm learning to accept that fact.  i've never been particularly close (emotionally speaking) with any of my very few blood relations so i tend to collect people in an effort to piece together my ideal family that i wish i had been born into.  The Artist would be my big brother, Bestest Friend, Hey Pay and Chelle my little sisters, Will would be my twin brother.  Photo, D-Ham, Packman, Niffer, Shygirl, Brit, Double E and many others would be cousins.  Char, Jannie, Chris, Kay, Sharon, Rainie, Cass, and Diane would be the aunts i never had and have always ached for.  all the children i know and love are my nieces and nephews.  technically, we're all part of the same family anyway...being spirit children of the same God, and physical children of the same earthly ancestral parents (Adam and Eve, and later Noah and his wife since they are the only ones who survived the flood).  this is where my perspective varies too much from that of others in this world. people are so narrow-minded, they forget to see the bigger picture of who we are to each other.

anyway, this has gone off on a wide rambling tangent.  the point is, just because i say i love someone and want to spend all my time free time with them right now, doesn't mean i'm in love with them.  before he met Nat, The Artist and I spent much of our free time together and he and i have neither ever had any romantic feelings for each other.  that's why he was the perfect best friend for such a long time, especially after Bestest Friend got married.  i lost too many of my friends all at once and i'm just looking to fill that gaping void with whatever kindred spirited type friends i can find...they seem to be in extremely short supply these days.

ok, i feel better now.  maybe i will get some sleep after all.  i've been feeling so misunderstood recently.  i kept trying to chalk it up to the depression but it wasn't irrational.  i was being avoided and misunderstood.  i hope we can figure out how to clear this up so we can be friends.

tender mercies

today was long and by 6pm i felt the sadness, loneliness and discouragement descending like a shroud around me so i went for a drive.  i ended up at Barnes & Noble, one of my favorite places on earth.  i don't drink coffee, but i love the scent that wafts through the stacks and shelves.  after wandering through the bargain books and children's section, i went in search of my favorite books.  i don't know why i ever choose to go to the Jordan Landing location because they have diminished their poetry section to a very few selections mixed in with Shakespeare and other theatrical publications.  it's a little depressing, really.  the Sugarhouse or Gateway locations are much better for poetry.  i left feeling a little better, but not much.  i felt aimless and anxious so i thought i'd just drive for a while.  i wanted to find a place to watch the sunset, but the sky was already darkening and i didn't know where to go, so i turned toward home.  as i drove across the I-215 overpass on 4100 south i caught a glimpse of the sunset in my side mirror.  i pulled over and took out my camera.

this is the picture i took from my window.

sitting on the side of the overpass isn't the best idea so i drove the short distance to my neighborhood and stopped at the elementary school.  i pulled the car over and got out.  it was windy and cold so i took a couple pictures then had to grab a blanket from my car to wrap up in.  i can't wait for warmer weather.  my fingers were icicles  by the time i got back in my car, but it was uplifting and inspiring to feel the desire to take pictures again.  it's been too long.

i call these Windows of Heaven shots because they are just little cracks in the clouds where the light shines through.  by the time i stopped the rays were disappearing but you can kind of see them here. when i see sunsets like this i am reminded of the following scripture...

Malachi 3:10

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

i have been fretting a lot over my current financial situation.  i don't know how i'm going to pay back my student loans, my credit card, my phone bill, insurance, and the money i owe for recent repairs to my car...and afford to go to Boston with my girls in September (i've already bought the plane ticket so i really need to be able to pay for the rest).  i'm grateful to my parents for helping me with the car repairs and for not charging me rent while i'm paying back my student loans and searching for more gainful employment.  i have been struggling to figure out where to look and what to look for.  because of my struggles with migraines, depression, and anxiety i tend to be a little picky.  my degree is in English Literature.  my hope going in was either to learn to write well enough to make it as an actual writer, or find a husband while i was in school so i could be a well educated stay-at-home mother.  i didn't find a husband, and i learned that my writing is not good enough to make any money that way.  i can't teach or work in a call center.  i'd rather not work in sales or with the general public anymore if i can find a job that won't force me to do so...most of my work experience is in customer service but it doesn't pay well enough unless i become a manager and i really don't want that kind of stress in my life...besides, i don't have the personality or ambition to be a manager.  i don't really know what that leaves me. 

as i was talking with my dear friend Brit yesterday, i was telling her about my stress and feelings of being so overwhelmed with too many aspects of life right now.  she told me to focus on the one concern or desire that i feel is most important right now.  i told her it was my need for better-paying employment and greater income.  she told me to focus on paying my tithing and watching my spending, and learning to trust in the Lord's timing (and kind of just trusting in the Lord in general because that's something i really struggle with).  she paraphrased the scripture quoted above.

today was a low faith kind of day.  the depression and loneliness, compounded by the stress of still not knowing what to do about my employment/finance situations were too overwhelming.  though i held a constant prayer deep in my heart, i distracted myself through the long hours of the day.  we watched my sister's kids early this morning, so playing with them helped a lot, but once they were gone i couldn't find the gumption for much of anything.  i did check out the job postings on the Department of Workforce Services and lds.org employment sites but to no avail.

 the sunset tonight has been a tender mercy, boosting my faith to keep me going one more day.  tomorrow i will look for another tender mercy...it will probably be working with one of my all-time favorite coworkers, Rainie...she is so kind and supportive, always asking me what fun plans i have for the evening, reminding me to keep going.

i'm grateful for the beauty of nature, the way it witnesses of the love and mercies of God.  i am grateful for friends and family who help me find the courage and desire to hold on and keep fighting the darkness, even when (or especially when) my life seems so hopeless and pointless.

i'm grateful for the sunset and the opportunity of another day.  i'm grateful for the promised blessings of paying tithing...i hope i can find the faith to believe and see the fulfillment of the blessings.  i've been trying to pay my tithing for over a month, i have the money saved but keep forgetting to go to the bank or take a check with me to church.  i will not let myself forget again on Sunday.  i'm near desperate for the blessings.  i'm trying to have the faith to produce (or at least see) miracles.  i have faith on behalf of others, but i struggle to find the faith for my own life and needs.  i'm working on it.  i hope the Lord continues to send me tender, merciful reminders such as the beautiful sunsets and caring friends to help me through.