i am with me, constantly, so i know and understand me and my thoughts and feelings and how they change. i know that i'm not depressed all the time. i know that i'm funny and charming and resilient and too nice. in person i am shy and reserved or fun and outgoing (depending on who i'm with and how comfortable i feel with them). in person i whine and complain only when i'm pushed to my extreme limit (which is actually pretty far out there), or when i'm with someone like Bestest Friend who can see right through me and would be offended if i held back my true feelings. i know that i'm a little bit crazy sometimes, i wear my heart and everything else on my sleeve. in person i am ruled by social mores and an over-consideration for others, therefore, i generally keep my personal troubles and issues to myself. why then, am i so eager to spread my personal troubles and issues so liberally all over the internet?
tonight i interacted with some people who are facebook friends but who i don't see on a regular basis. a couple of them indicated their concern because they had seen several recent rather dismal and distressed statuses on facebook. i struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some sort of hormone imbalance, along with some physical issues that make life rather difficult sometimes. on top of that, i have never handled stress well at all. sometimes i feel like life is caving in on me, like i just can't handle one more thing. but that's only sometimes. sadly, all too often it's those moments when i feel the need to publicize my thoughts. i don't want to be alone with them. if i don't put them somewhere they consume me. if i send them out into the void or put them in the line of sight of others who may lend a kind or encouraging word, they are a little easier to bear. i figure if people don't care, they'll just ignore me. if they do care, they'll offer a bit of kindness to help me through or maybe just say a silent prayer on my behalf. a lot of the time all it takes is getting it out to make it go away and i feel better because i have been allowed to process whatever is on my mind.
also, i am a writer. we are notorious for coming across as being a bit unhinged sometimes. our language can be a little dramatic, a little overly emotional, a little highfalutin. that doesn't mean we're that way constantly, it just comes across in our writing. facebook, blogger, and other such social networking sites are tricky because we can't always see the audience...i usually forget there is an audience...i've always felt invisible so it's shocking to find out that a few people out there are paying attention. i do try to put positive and uplifting things out there too, not just the trauma and drama of my life...but so much of my life feels traumatic and dramatic that it's difficult to maintain a balance sometimes.
i am a writer, therefore, i ought to be writing and pursuing publication and such, right? well, i finally realized my hesitation. i don't want to write for mass publication all the dismal and distraught and distressed and depressed that's inside of me. i want to wait until i get to the other side of sorrow before i begin my life's work. i am still gathering experience and wisdom and other data from which i will eventually draw my greatest works. it isn't time. i need to fully experience the opposition in order to paint the full picture. i have feasted on the darkness and turmoil, sorrow and pain, but i have only sampled the light and peace, joy and well-being. i'm working on it but i'm not there yet.
recently i remembered something i learned in school a couple of years ago. i was taking 4 classes, one of which was a grammar and usage class. i strongly disliked this class; it was confusing and the teacher was not good at teaching. i stressed so much and put so much of my attention into fretting over this grammar class that i neglected the British Lit class i really liked. i ended up with an A or B in the grammar class and a C in the British Lit class. i was so mad that i had wasted the semester being so consumed in stress that i didn't have a chance to learn and really enjoy my other classes. from then on my approach to school changed. i decided to focus the majority of my attention on the classes i enjoyed and just do what i could on any classes i disliked. the rest of my education went much better. i enjoyed more, learned more, and earned much better grades. i realized yesterday that i need to be better at approaching the rest of my life this way. i need to focus more of my attention on the things i enjoy, the things that make me happy, and less on the things that make me stressed, anxious, and depressed.
right now my greatest stressors are money (or the lack thereof), and relationships (of all sorts) with men...and the uncertainty of the future. i've been working my whole life on that last one, just living in the present and not worrying about how things will work out down the road, and i'm getting better, except in those two other areas. i'm really not sure how to handle the stress of money and relationships right now, so i'm working on pushing those aside so i can focus on bringing the happiness and joy to the forefront of my life and consciousness.
for the foreseeable future, i will do my best to highlight my efforts in my personal pursuit of happiness more often than my struggles against the darkness and depression.
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