expectations

expectation is the rope that always hangs me.  without expectation disappointment holds no weight.  gratitude for whatever happens comes more easily without expectation of more.  how can i find a way to live with hope and faith, but without specific expectation?  i want to just live in gratitude and happiness, but i'm so caught up in what i expected life to be that i can't get past the lack of so many unfulfilled expectations.

i want to know what to expect from friends so i know where the boundaries are but people aren't very good at helping me know...so i expect in return what i give, but i give my all to friendships and i have noticed that most others are more reserved.  i believe in balance and equality, i ought to get back what i give...sadly that is not how most people seem to work.

guys are particularly difficult in this aspect.  i should know by now that i will always be disappointed in men if i cannot get rid of my expectations and just appreciate whatever they are instead of hoping they will be what they say they will be.  they are never what they say.  they are good at making and breaking promises.  they are good at saying pretty things that i think they genuinely want to be true, but so rarely follow through with.  i guess i should expect them to let me down, but for some reason i never really do.  i try to convince myself but i always give in to hope that this one will be different...he never is, he's always just the same...inconsiderate and focused on their own self interests.

recently i've been talking a lot with various females in my life.  all are or have been married and all of them have said the same thing.  men are not and never will be what i want them to be.  they are not intuitive or considerate of their own accord.  most of them are good enough to follow through with specific requests but they don't see the need or offer to fill it without a direct entreaty.  i forget that i have to be very precise in my wording, it's like talking to a child...but they call it condescension when i do that.  i try to express myself but it seems that men and women simply speak different languages.  i've had really good communication with some men, but for the most part, it just feels like men don't listen, don't even try to understand me...and don't try to help me understand them.  i ask for help in knowing what to expect from them, but they are so unwilling...or perhaps simply incapable of giving me any idea.  then, when they try to tell me, they say it with such a complete lack of consideration for my feelings or how i might receive it that what could have been a perfectly harmless and informative conversation turns out to be hurtful and destructive.  why is it so difficult for some people just to sit down and have a face to face conversation?

oh well.  i've decided to find the in between.  i'll find a way to give less and expect nothing...or less than nothing.  it feels empty and suspect and makes me sad, but the only alternative is to walk away and that doesn't feel right.  i don't throw people away.  i think he's harmless as long as i keep my defenses on high alert and don't ask for anything at all...and keep my giving to a minimum.  i don't know if i can do that.  i always give more than i ever receive.  i like to give, i want to give, i just don't want to be used or left completely devoid.  i wonder if the law of consecration applies only to physical and spiritual needs or if it includes emotional needs as well.  i wish i could find a way to fulfill my own needs in that respect.  i've always felt so emotionally neglected.  i'm good at helping to fill that need in others, but i can't fill my own need.

anyway, expectation, it's a killer.  i need to be more aware and in control of my own expectations.  i'll work on that.