04 May 2013

real or not real?

i just finished reading The Hunger Games series for the second time.  the first time i read it i had a severe emotional response...not because of the violence or other things to which most people had a reaction though.  my distress initiated with the part in the third book when Peeta's perception of Katniss and reality in general has been hijacked by the Capitol.  too often i feel "hijacked".  i'm not always sure what's true, what's real...especially when it comes to my perception of myself and also personal relationships, particularly with men.  i've always had some trouble with this, call it low self esteem or lack of self worth, or ptsd from emotional trauma as a child...maybe my concussions and other head injuries from childhood damaged my brain a bit, i don't know, but anyone who has ever read my blog can plainly see my perception really struggles sometimes.  my depression and anxiety stem from this hijacked reality.  my distrust of people (particularly men) may also have roots here, though that has been enhanced by actual abuse as well. 

in the book, the squad Peeta is assigned to comes up with a way for him to filter out his thoughts and memories so he can determine which are real or not real.  he describes an event or memory and asks "real or not real?"  the others then state the facts about what really happened. 

i know that every negative thought i have isn't true...but neither are all of them false.  i know that every positive thought is not true or false either.  but i don't have a squad assigned to keep watch, protect or contain me.  all i have is my dysfunctional and traumatized brain and a few friends who are sometimes there, sometimes know some things, and who don't often speak up to give me a different perspective of the situation.  the weasel shattered what little self worth i had left and it's taken me a long time to piece myself back together.  Bobpi got me away from him, made me feel safe and loved for a while, then drop-kicked me and cracked the still drying plaster i put up as a defense.  i worked hard, went to therapy, Will and The Artist helped me through some of it, giving me examples of menfolk i could trust...so when Photo came along i thought i was ok to open my heart again and try to trust. 

in retrospect i can see what a terrible decision it was simply because of the circumstance surrounding the poor dear...but at the time all i could see was that he seemed like a nice guy who needed a good friend...also, i needed a friend and he offered to be a friend.  my good intentions always seem to backfire.  the hijacking, which had been dormant for long enough for me to think it wasn't going to be a problem anymore suddenly came back in full force.  although i am fairly certain Photo really is a good man, certain uncanny resemblances to the weasel (more after we broke up than while we were together, though the basic pattern of behavior was pretty much identical now that i think about it) sent me into a fit of anxiety and depression.

i see now that it was unintentional, he didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't mean to be a jerk or treat me to poorly in the end, and i don't hold him responsible...though i do wish men in general would figure out how to be a little more considerate and conscious of the women in their lives.  i'm sure there are plenty of women who could be more considerate as well...and i didn't handle things well either, i'll admit.  so i'm sorry for my part.  i doubt that i hurt him at all...but i don't know because he won't talk to me about things like that...so now i'm stuck with guessing where we stand in our FRIENDSHIP; what he wants from me, what i'm aloud to want from him...i am clueless as to the logistics of how to proceed...or even if to proceed.  he'll text me but we can't have a real conversation.  do i invite him to movie night or other group events?  can we hang out alone together like i do with other guys who are friends?  can we take a break, not text for a few days without the whole friendship going out the window?  should we just discontinue trying to be friends? 

maybe i'm over analyzing the situation, but when i didn't analyze and thought things were transitioning easily from more than friends to never more than friends, i thought we were on the same page but he punched me in the gut out of nowhere with some harshly worded finality.  it was the way he approached and presented the information that made it feel like a blow, not the information itself that hurt because i was already there.  i thought he loved me for a while, which made me want to open up and trust him; made me think my sensitive and fragile heart were safe in his hands, but his carelessness in discarding me made me want to never speak to him or any other man ever again.

i'm trying to process.  i'm trying to figure out where the lines are.  i'm trying to decide if any part of my life is safe with him or any guy, or if they are all weasels just waiting for the opportune moment to slither in and destroy me again.   i want to believe that we can be friends, that he actually does care and his lack of appropriate decorum and diction are a result of the current stress and trauma in his life.  but i'm afraid to make that allowance, afraid to let him in any part of my life because this was one of the weasel's main tactics: play on my compassion and understanding, my tender desire for friendship and then strangle me again when i was most vulnerable.  i don't know what's real in regard to Photo.  i don't know if i can trust him...the weasel always used to ask when i would finally trust him, even as he actively manipulated me and tore me apart...part of me never did trust him fully...and it was only in desperation and through the grace of God i finally found a way out of his grasp...though, as you can see, he still has some power over me...will i ever be free?  will i ever find a man i can trust, completely?  or should i just swear them off altogether? 

i can't do this.  i don't know how to work through this.  i've been through therapy, too many times, but i can't ever figure out how to say the right things to get to the deep issues and root them out.  maybe electroshock or a lobotomy is my only chance of being free from the weasel...but then i'll be a vegetable.  i'm not strong enough for this.  i need a way to determine reality, to see the complete truth about a man before i let him into my life and my heart in any way.  maybe i'll convert to Catholicism just so i can go hide out in a convent and not have to worry about men at all anymore.  i wish that he could just show me, prove to me that he is the friend he said he wanted to be.  but i'm not important enough for that...how would he even begin to know how to try?  he said he still wants me in his life, but i don't know what that means...the weasel always kept me around just enough that he could pick me up when he felt like playing with me, then toss me aside when he was done, pandering to my wants and needs only when it suited his.  how can i make myself stronger, defend myself against such fiends without closing myself off entirely?  how do i find the confidence and self worth to not allow myself to be treated poorly?  i don't want to be a victim or easy target.  i want to be stronger.

maybe i should check myself into an institution.  maybe they can heal and fortify all that's forever broken and fragile inside of me.  maybe they can teach me what's real and what's not real. 

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