Happier is better

The last few weeks have been a little bit of a struggle. Parts of Sunday and the first half of yesterday were particularly difficult. I started writing a blog post about it but didn't have a chance to finish. I just went back to work on it and decided to start a new one instead. Thanks to Bones, getting some homework done, and good friends, I feel better now than I did.

Special thanks goes to my adopted siblings: Midgie, Shygirl, The Artist, The Williams Clan, The Mexican, Cousin C, and a few others. They listen, give me hugs and reassurance, notice me, support me, and just love me. That's what brothers and sisters are supposed to do...

At FHE last night we colored/decorated Easter Eggs! I don't like eggs so I gave mine to Niv but I had fun hanging out with people I adore and playing like children. When everyone else left, Shygirl and I walked out together. We started talking and ended up sitting in her car as she let me vent. I didn't know I was holding so much inside until I had someone who let me just talk. I think that helped more than almost anything else. I forget sometimes that if I just drop my guard, uncork the bottle and let things flow into the hands of someone I trust, I feel better.

As I talked I discovered some things about myself. The most important being that I am still holding some unresolved issues concerning my family inside. I thought I'd worked through it all. I thought I'd forgiven and established more healthy and positive relationships with my family members. But I realized that isn't quite the case. Things are better than they ever have been in the past, but they are still not completely settled. My next quest for self improvement, therefore, is to work it out. I need to figure out how to communicate in a more positive and effective manner. I know that I can't change them but I can change myself and my approach. It's not me, it's my technique.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked with mom when I got home today. I've started seeing things a little better and decided it might work to talk it out with mom. I'm of the opinion that two people can work anything out as long as they are both open and willing to talk (and LISTEN) about it until it's resolved. I had to explain things about three different ways before she understood, but I think she gets it.
Her confusion comes (I think) in the fact that I'm starting to realize and acknowledge my own responsibility in things. I've always had a tendency to put it all on other people. Now I see that much of my misery is caused by my own lack of perspective and vision. My reality is different from theirs because my vision was tainted by lies and misunderstanding. I'm not saying it's all on me, but I do see my part in it now.

Maybe we'll work things out afterall. Who knows...someday. At least I know I'm progressing! I can see where I've been and I can see where I am now and all the space between. I'm open and eager to learn and change and become better. I'm not bottling the bitterness and anger anymore, I'm working it out. It may take a few days, but I'm getting better dealing with things as they come instead of pushing them deep down inside and avoiding them.

...except my homework. I'm still avoiding that as much as I dare. I still don't know how I'm going to get this Grammar paper written so I don't fail. Ugh! I just don't know what to do. For now I better get to sleep so I'll be able to function tomorrow! Wish me luck ;-)