27 January 2011

Nausea or Premonition

I have a bad feeling. It's that anxious sickness in the pit of my stomach and feels like a hand reaching up to grip my heart that I sometimes get. It could just be nausea from the antibiotics I've been taking for the sinus infection I've had. That's what I'm hoping so maybe it'll go away with some food. Otherwise, it's something I don't want to think about.

Or, the third option is that it's a nervous anticipation for the text message or phone call I'm waiting for. I took a chance the other day, spit in the face of fear and made a request. The response was non-committal, but gave me hope. Now I'm waiting for a confirmation, either positive or negative. I'm working on convincing myself to react well either way. If it's positive, good, things are looking up. If it's negative, however...well, if it's negative, I guess it's good that I have an appointment tonight with my therapist so she can help me see the better side of things and react in a more positive way.

I know that however things work will be for the best...I just wish I could figure out how to keep from getting anxious in the first place. No matter how I try to talk myself through it, I just can't squelch the anxious anticipation. If only I could keep from having expectations in the first place, there would be no anxiety because I wouldn't have any initial hopes which means no chance of disappointment.

But disappointment isn't the end of the world, it's only the wrong door and I just need to keep knocking on more doors until I find the right one. It's alright. It's gonna be okay! :)

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