well, another rejection...but it really wasn't the job for me anyway. i would like to figure out what job is best for me...oh well. my search continues.
as long as i keep my thoughts away from certain topics, life is actually a lot better that i generally let on. i've started sketching. before i ever thought of being a writer, i wanted to be an artist. my favorite classes in elementary and jr high school were always the art classes. i love creating things with my hands. i love painting, generally ceramics or wood. the thought that predominates my mind these days is that i'd like to learn to paint landscapes and portraits.
one of the books i'm currently reading is about an artist. it's actually about an artist who is in a mental institution, his story told from the perspectives of his therapist, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and letters written between two people from the 1800's with whom the artist is obsessed. the book is very intriguing in many levels for me. it makes me want to paint/sketch, write, and take more psychology classes.
i've been thinking a lot about taking some classes...or even going back to school full-time. i love going to class, discussing and gaining knowledge and ideals, having a reason to get up in the morning, something to focus on and work toward. if i were to go back, either for a second bachelor or a masters degree, i'd be the first in my family to earn either. that thought strongly appeals to me. if money weren't an object i'd stay in school forever. sadly it is an issue and i have no money to spend on much of anything right now. i do have some better ideas what to study if i did go back...more career focused ideas than i did to begin with. and now that i've been through it once, i have a better idea how to go about my education in a more productive and future-oriented way.
decisions, decisions...how do i decide what to do?
23 May 2013
19 May 2013
still awake
i'd rather be sleeping, but i have too much on my mind at this moment. it would be nice if i had someone to talk with, someone who would listen then give me honest and helpful feedback...i feel like that doesn't happen very often when i try talking to people, asking them for help. maybe it's because the things i need help with are decisions i have to make on my own. i really wish someone else could make my current decisions for me because i just can't seem to figure it out for myself.
the trouble is still this dumb job situation. i just don't know how to find employment that will pay me enough without stealing my soul or causing me to feel completely overwhelmed. i know i'm probably looking at the situation all wrong, but i can't seem to find a better perspective. i don't know what i want to do...or what i want to do is either currently out of my reach or simply doesn't pay enough. i'm not seeking great riches, i just want to make enough so that i can pay my bills and have a bit left over to go to Boston in September and just not have to stress over whether or not my next paycheck is going to cover my minimal expenses. my talents and desires just don't lie in the workforce...not the lucrative workforce anyway.
i'm exceptional at customer service/retail/cashiering...but there is absolutely no money in that unless i go into management or go back to school for a marketing or business degree. those ideas send me into a fit of anxiety, so i know those are not the paths for me. but what is my path? where does my future lie? what jobs should i look for? where should i look? i've applied for various jobs and have even interviewed for some, but to no avail. i'm either over qualified, or under qualified. i can't say with certainty how long i will stay. i don't have a five year employment plan because the thought of being employed anywhere for the next five years makes me panic. 36. i'll be 36 years old in five years and the thought of still struggling to get myself out of bed every morning to drag myself to work, pretending i wouldn't rather be at home raising my children that i may never have makes me want to end it all this second. i really am trying to not be so dramatic, and to have a better outlook and attitude, but it's the hardest thing i've ever done to keep my chin up and be happy for so many others when they have the life i would do anything for and may never acquire. it kills me a little more every day. i wish i had ambition for a career, i really do, it would make my life so much easier and more enjoyable. i have search and tried for over 10 years now to find something that captivates and impassions me, something other than being a wife and mother, but i just can't find anything that even comes close.
it was easier a few years ago when most of my friends were still single and i had more than a few childbearing years left ahead of me, but now that more friends are married and having children than not, and my window of opportunity is rapidly closing, it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to even try. i'm becoming less desirable by the day. i really need to find something else for my life to be about, some other hope and dream to reach for and live for. but what?
words fail me. i have nothing to write about except these dumb little whining blog posts that hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads. i want to write someone truly worthwhile, captivating, enchanting, life changing, but i know i'll never be a renowned author or poet. my mind is too often a creative blank these days. the passion inside me has all but dried up and blown away. all i have to draw from is disappointment and regret, fear, doubt, discouragement and pain. who wants to read about that in a world too overly consumed by it all already? i used to end with hope but i'm afraid i've lost even that. ugh! i need a change, a vacation, a tryst, a something really great to get my blood flowing again. i just feel so apathetic and worthless. i'm invisible, under appreciated, used, trampled, ignored, forgotten, washed up. i feel so drab and dull...i've lost all vitality and vivacity. how do i get it back? i guess sleep might help...sigh.
the trouble is still this dumb job situation. i just don't know how to find employment that will pay me enough without stealing my soul or causing me to feel completely overwhelmed. i know i'm probably looking at the situation all wrong, but i can't seem to find a better perspective. i don't know what i want to do...or what i want to do is either currently out of my reach or simply doesn't pay enough. i'm not seeking great riches, i just want to make enough so that i can pay my bills and have a bit left over to go to Boston in September and just not have to stress over whether or not my next paycheck is going to cover my minimal expenses. my talents and desires just don't lie in the workforce...not the lucrative workforce anyway.
i'm exceptional at customer service/retail/cashiering...but there is absolutely no money in that unless i go into management or go back to school for a marketing or business degree. those ideas send me into a fit of anxiety, so i know those are not the paths for me. but what is my path? where does my future lie? what jobs should i look for? where should i look? i've applied for various jobs and have even interviewed for some, but to no avail. i'm either over qualified, or under qualified. i can't say with certainty how long i will stay. i don't have a five year employment plan because the thought of being employed anywhere for the next five years makes me panic. 36. i'll be 36 years old in five years and the thought of still struggling to get myself out of bed every morning to drag myself to work, pretending i wouldn't rather be at home raising my children that i may never have makes me want to end it all this second. i really am trying to not be so dramatic, and to have a better outlook and attitude, but it's the hardest thing i've ever done to keep my chin up and be happy for so many others when they have the life i would do anything for and may never acquire. it kills me a little more every day. i wish i had ambition for a career, i really do, it would make my life so much easier and more enjoyable. i have search and tried for over 10 years now to find something that captivates and impassions me, something other than being a wife and mother, but i just can't find anything that even comes close.
it was easier a few years ago when most of my friends were still single and i had more than a few childbearing years left ahead of me, but now that more friends are married and having children than not, and my window of opportunity is rapidly closing, it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to even try. i'm becoming less desirable by the day. i really need to find something else for my life to be about, some other hope and dream to reach for and live for. but what?
words fail me. i have nothing to write about except these dumb little whining blog posts that hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads. i want to write someone truly worthwhile, captivating, enchanting, life changing, but i know i'll never be a renowned author or poet. my mind is too often a creative blank these days. the passion inside me has all but dried up and blown away. all i have to draw from is disappointment and regret, fear, doubt, discouragement and pain. who wants to read about that in a world too overly consumed by it all already? i used to end with hope but i'm afraid i've lost even that. ugh! i need a change, a vacation, a tryst, a something really great to get my blood flowing again. i just feel so apathetic and worthless. i'm invisible, under appreciated, used, trampled, ignored, forgotten, washed up. i feel so drab and dull...i've lost all vitality and vivacity. how do i get it back? i guess sleep might help...sigh.
12 May 2013
let's hear it for the boy
recently i've allowed my scars and bitterness to overwhelm my consciousness. i'm severely frustrated over my relationship status and the recent disappointing lack of reliable male companionship/friendship. i miss Will. i miss The Artist (though he has been around more consistently than any other guy...which is why he is my best guy friend of all time). i miss Photo too.
dwelling on anger and hurt are easier than facing the raw sadness and disappointment that are the true and actual issues. i worked through it with Will last year which is why i'm not panicking over him, only missing him. i know he loves me and will always consider me a friend. he'll always be one of those bookmark people who hold the place in our friendship no matter how long it takes to get to the next sentence or page. the next time we see each other (however long that may take) we'll pick up where we left off. it is largely due to his everlasting patience, goodness, and understanding that this is the case. he cared enough about me to understand my fear and pain and not allow me to push him away or be bitter over whatever changes came to our friendship. i miss him so much sometimes and i wish we could go back to the days when he actually requested my presence in his daily (or near daily) life. but! i no longer doubt his sincerity, loyalty, or determination to continue our friendship. i'm pretty sure if i were to ask, he would willingly acquiesce my request. i keep hoping he'll just think of me and send a text suggesting we do lunch, it's been over a month and a half now since last we spent time together...
as for Photo...i'm not sure what to do. i feel like we're stuck at some strange impasse between no man's land and the moon. i don't know what he wants and i feel like what i want is not important to him. he's going through a lot right now and i'd like to be a friend he can rely on, but i'm just not sure he even wants my friendship right now...not as far as i define friendship anyway. i know i can't rely on him for anything i need, but i don't want to completely discontinue contact with him. i've decided to take a step back and wait for him to decide where the boundaries are. i won't contact him but i'll respond if he contacts me. i won't invite him to anything because i feel hurt and rejected when he comes up with some lame excuse to not be around. however, i will be open to and accepting of whatever time he decides he wants to invite me into. he knows we have movie night on mondays and he's welcome any time, but his lack of recent attendance leads me to believe he doesn't feel comfortable or just doesn't want to come around. i wish he'd talk to me, tell me what's going on and where i should stand, but my dear Chelle pointed out to me last night that guys don't talk about things, especially feelings and relationships like women do. i want some sort of closure or understanding of what to expect but that's not available to me so i will just do the best i can with what i have.
i guess i was spoiled with The Artist. he was always a lot more articulate about his thoughts and feelings than pretty much any other guy i've ever known. he's the guy i've been close to the longest so i guess i took for granted how well we've always communicated with each other. Will was similar. though i still haven't figured out how to read him, i can usually get him to open up and talk to me about almost anything. i haven't figured out how to get Photo to talk...i think he just doesn't want to and you can't make someone do something if they don't want to. so i'll wait, try not to be consumed with my bitterness, frustration, and hurt, and hope that someday he either comes around or fades away.
i think he has tried, at least a little bit. the texting is possibly his way of trying to be friends. i don't like text relationships though. i require face time. seeing people, spending time with them, interacting with them, that is how i convince myself of truth. a text or fb message is too flat, too misleading, too conducive to miscommunication. i need to see the eyes and hear the tone of voice. i need to feel the energy and share the air in order to understand and grasp what is real and honest. i don't know how to adjust or classify friendship when it's so one dimensional...or is it two? i'm never really sure how that works.
anyway, maybe that's why God is so difficult for me to grasp, to commune with. i believe He's there, know He exists, but can't quite connect because i can't figure out how to use all my senses to interact with Him.
i'm trying. i'm working through a lot of debris and scars and emotional wreckage, so is Photo. i hoped we could help each other through it, but perhaps that's not the way we roll right now. i don't know.
i've been hoping for a new best guy friend, now that my two best are not really available anymore, but it seems that's not an option right now. i've been hoping for a new boyfriend, now that it's clear Photo doesn't want me anymore...and we're just not right for those roles...but it seems that's not an option either. so i'll focus on filling my life with other things that make me happy since love (the one thing that would make me happiest of all) is not an option...at least not right now.
dwelling on anger and hurt are easier than facing the raw sadness and disappointment that are the true and actual issues. i worked through it with Will last year which is why i'm not panicking over him, only missing him. i know he loves me and will always consider me a friend. he'll always be one of those bookmark people who hold the place in our friendship no matter how long it takes to get to the next sentence or page. the next time we see each other (however long that may take) we'll pick up where we left off. it is largely due to his everlasting patience, goodness, and understanding that this is the case. he cared enough about me to understand my fear and pain and not allow me to push him away or be bitter over whatever changes came to our friendship. i miss him so much sometimes and i wish we could go back to the days when he actually requested my presence in his daily (or near daily) life. but! i no longer doubt his sincerity, loyalty, or determination to continue our friendship. i'm pretty sure if i were to ask, he would willingly acquiesce my request. i keep hoping he'll just think of me and send a text suggesting we do lunch, it's been over a month and a half now since last we spent time together...
as for Photo...i'm not sure what to do. i feel like we're stuck at some strange impasse between no man's land and the moon. i don't know what he wants and i feel like what i want is not important to him. he's going through a lot right now and i'd like to be a friend he can rely on, but i'm just not sure he even wants my friendship right now...not as far as i define friendship anyway. i know i can't rely on him for anything i need, but i don't want to completely discontinue contact with him. i've decided to take a step back and wait for him to decide where the boundaries are. i won't contact him but i'll respond if he contacts me. i won't invite him to anything because i feel hurt and rejected when he comes up with some lame excuse to not be around. however, i will be open to and accepting of whatever time he decides he wants to invite me into. he knows we have movie night on mondays and he's welcome any time, but his lack of recent attendance leads me to believe he doesn't feel comfortable or just doesn't want to come around. i wish he'd talk to me, tell me what's going on and where i should stand, but my dear Chelle pointed out to me last night that guys don't talk about things, especially feelings and relationships like women do. i want some sort of closure or understanding of what to expect but that's not available to me so i will just do the best i can with what i have.
i guess i was spoiled with The Artist. he was always a lot more articulate about his thoughts and feelings than pretty much any other guy i've ever known. he's the guy i've been close to the longest so i guess i took for granted how well we've always communicated with each other. Will was similar. though i still haven't figured out how to read him, i can usually get him to open up and talk to me about almost anything. i haven't figured out how to get Photo to talk...i think he just doesn't want to and you can't make someone do something if they don't want to. so i'll wait, try not to be consumed with my bitterness, frustration, and hurt, and hope that someday he either comes around or fades away.
i think he has tried, at least a little bit. the texting is possibly his way of trying to be friends. i don't like text relationships though. i require face time. seeing people, spending time with them, interacting with them, that is how i convince myself of truth. a text or fb message is too flat, too misleading, too conducive to miscommunication. i need to see the eyes and hear the tone of voice. i need to feel the energy and share the air in order to understand and grasp what is real and honest. i don't know how to adjust or classify friendship when it's so one dimensional...or is it two? i'm never really sure how that works.
anyway, maybe that's why God is so difficult for me to grasp, to commune with. i believe He's there, know He exists, but can't quite connect because i can't figure out how to use all my senses to interact with Him.
i'm trying. i'm working through a lot of debris and scars and emotional wreckage, so is Photo. i hoped we could help each other through it, but perhaps that's not the way we roll right now. i don't know.
i've been hoping for a new best guy friend, now that my two best are not really available anymore, but it seems that's not an option right now. i've been hoping for a new boyfriend, now that it's clear Photo doesn't want me anymore...and we're just not right for those roles...but it seems that's not an option either. so i'll focus on filling my life with other things that make me happy since love (the one thing that would make me happiest of all) is not an option...at least not right now.
11 May 2013
24/7/365
i am with me, constantly, so i know and understand me and my thoughts and feelings and how they change. i know that i'm not depressed all the time. i know that i'm funny and charming and resilient and too nice. in person i am shy and reserved or fun and outgoing (depending on who i'm with and how comfortable i feel with them). in person i whine and complain only when i'm pushed to my extreme limit (which is actually pretty far out there), or when i'm with someone like Bestest Friend who can see right through me and would be offended if i held back my true feelings. i know that i'm a little bit crazy sometimes, i wear my heart and everything else on my sleeve. in person i am ruled by social mores and an over-consideration for others, therefore, i generally keep my personal troubles and issues to myself. why then, am i so eager to spread my personal troubles and issues so liberally all over the internet?
tonight i interacted with some people who are facebook friends but who i don't see on a regular basis. a couple of them indicated their concern because they had seen several recent rather dismal and distressed statuses on facebook. i struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some sort of hormone imbalance, along with some physical issues that make life rather difficult sometimes. on top of that, i have never handled stress well at all. sometimes i feel like life is caving in on me, like i just can't handle one more thing. but that's only sometimes. sadly, all too often it's those moments when i feel the need to publicize my thoughts. i don't want to be alone with them. if i don't put them somewhere they consume me. if i send them out into the void or put them in the line of sight of others who may lend a kind or encouraging word, they are a little easier to bear. i figure if people don't care, they'll just ignore me. if they do care, they'll offer a bit of kindness to help me through or maybe just say a silent prayer on my behalf. a lot of the time all it takes is getting it out to make it go away and i feel better because i have been allowed to process whatever is on my mind.
also, i am a writer. we are notorious for coming across as being a bit unhinged sometimes. our language can be a little dramatic, a little overly emotional, a little highfalutin. that doesn't mean we're that way constantly, it just comes across in our writing. facebook, blogger, and other such social networking sites are tricky because we can't always see the audience...i usually forget there is an audience...i've always felt invisible so it's shocking to find out that a few people out there are paying attention. i do try to put positive and uplifting things out there too, not just the trauma and drama of my life...but so much of my life feels traumatic and dramatic that it's difficult to maintain a balance sometimes.
i am a writer, therefore, i ought to be writing and pursuing publication and such, right? well, i finally realized my hesitation. i don't want to write for mass publication all the dismal and distraught and distressed and depressed that's inside of me. i want to wait until i get to the other side of sorrow before i begin my life's work. i am still gathering experience and wisdom and other data from which i will eventually draw my greatest works. it isn't time. i need to fully experience the opposition in order to paint the full picture. i have feasted on the darkness and turmoil, sorrow and pain, but i have only sampled the light and peace, joy and well-being. i'm working on it but i'm not there yet.
recently i remembered something i learned in school a couple of years ago. i was taking 4 classes, one of which was a grammar and usage class. i strongly disliked this class; it was confusing and the teacher was not good at teaching. i stressed so much and put so much of my attention into fretting over this grammar class that i neglected the British Lit class i really liked. i ended up with an A or B in the grammar class and a C in the British Lit class. i was so mad that i had wasted the semester being so consumed in stress that i didn't have a chance to learn and really enjoy my other classes. from then on my approach to school changed. i decided to focus the majority of my attention on the classes i enjoyed and just do what i could on any classes i disliked. the rest of my education went much better. i enjoyed more, learned more, and earned much better grades. i realized yesterday that i need to be better at approaching the rest of my life this way. i need to focus more of my attention on the things i enjoy, the things that make me happy, and less on the things that make me stressed, anxious, and depressed.
right now my greatest stressors are money (or the lack thereof), and relationships (of all sorts) with men...and the uncertainty of the future. i've been working my whole life on that last one, just living in the present and not worrying about how things will work out down the road, and i'm getting better, except in those two other areas. i'm really not sure how to handle the stress of money and relationships right now, so i'm working on pushing those aside so i can focus on bringing the happiness and joy to the forefront of my life and consciousness.
for the foreseeable future, i will do my best to highlight my efforts in my personal pursuit of happiness more often than my struggles against the darkness and depression.
tonight i interacted with some people who are facebook friends but who i don't see on a regular basis. a couple of them indicated their concern because they had seen several recent rather dismal and distressed statuses on facebook. i struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some sort of hormone imbalance, along with some physical issues that make life rather difficult sometimes. on top of that, i have never handled stress well at all. sometimes i feel like life is caving in on me, like i just can't handle one more thing. but that's only sometimes. sadly, all too often it's those moments when i feel the need to publicize my thoughts. i don't want to be alone with them. if i don't put them somewhere they consume me. if i send them out into the void or put them in the line of sight of others who may lend a kind or encouraging word, they are a little easier to bear. i figure if people don't care, they'll just ignore me. if they do care, they'll offer a bit of kindness to help me through or maybe just say a silent prayer on my behalf. a lot of the time all it takes is getting it out to make it go away and i feel better because i have been allowed to process whatever is on my mind.
also, i am a writer. we are notorious for coming across as being a bit unhinged sometimes. our language can be a little dramatic, a little overly emotional, a little highfalutin. that doesn't mean we're that way constantly, it just comes across in our writing. facebook, blogger, and other such social networking sites are tricky because we can't always see the audience...i usually forget there is an audience...i've always felt invisible so it's shocking to find out that a few people out there are paying attention. i do try to put positive and uplifting things out there too, not just the trauma and drama of my life...but so much of my life feels traumatic and dramatic that it's difficult to maintain a balance sometimes.
i am a writer, therefore, i ought to be writing and pursuing publication and such, right? well, i finally realized my hesitation. i don't want to write for mass publication all the dismal and distraught and distressed and depressed that's inside of me. i want to wait until i get to the other side of sorrow before i begin my life's work. i am still gathering experience and wisdom and other data from which i will eventually draw my greatest works. it isn't time. i need to fully experience the opposition in order to paint the full picture. i have feasted on the darkness and turmoil, sorrow and pain, but i have only sampled the light and peace, joy and well-being. i'm working on it but i'm not there yet.
recently i remembered something i learned in school a couple of years ago. i was taking 4 classes, one of which was a grammar and usage class. i strongly disliked this class; it was confusing and the teacher was not good at teaching. i stressed so much and put so much of my attention into fretting over this grammar class that i neglected the British Lit class i really liked. i ended up with an A or B in the grammar class and a C in the British Lit class. i was so mad that i had wasted the semester being so consumed in stress that i didn't have a chance to learn and really enjoy my other classes. from then on my approach to school changed. i decided to focus the majority of my attention on the classes i enjoyed and just do what i could on any classes i disliked. the rest of my education went much better. i enjoyed more, learned more, and earned much better grades. i realized yesterday that i need to be better at approaching the rest of my life this way. i need to focus more of my attention on the things i enjoy, the things that make me happy, and less on the things that make me stressed, anxious, and depressed.
right now my greatest stressors are money (or the lack thereof), and relationships (of all sorts) with men...and the uncertainty of the future. i've been working my whole life on that last one, just living in the present and not worrying about how things will work out down the road, and i'm getting better, except in those two other areas. i'm really not sure how to handle the stress of money and relationships right now, so i'm working on pushing those aside so i can focus on bringing the happiness and joy to the forefront of my life and consciousness.
for the foreseeable future, i will do my best to highlight my efforts in my personal pursuit of happiness more often than my struggles against the darkness and depression.
show me the way
i want to go home. tonight it feels very far away. i don't know how to get there but it's my only desire, my only thought. my worst fear is that i'll never get there. i need rest. i feel like i'm out of control; pieces of me flying away in all directions. i want to be wrapped up, held together by someone who truly cares, just for a moment so i can catch my breath and regain my footing. i just want to feel safe and protected (from even myself), just for a little while.
i just want to go home.
please, someone, show me the way to go home.
i just want to go home.
please, someone, show me the way to go home.
10 May 2013
on my own
you know, i'm tired of feeling like a fool. if someone really wants to hang out with me, they'll make it happen. if he had really wanted me to go to a movie with him, he would have tried harder to make it happen. maybe i should disappear for a while.
i stopped asking for Will's time because he doesn't seem to want me around anymore. he said weeks ago that he would contact me soon and we'd hang out. i've heard nothing from him since. it hurts. i miss him. i knew the void would be deep and wide when i no longer had his friendship available to me. i prayed so hard for so long but i guess i'm on my own. i need a good friend but i'm on my own.
yeah, i guess i'll disappear for a while. it hurts too much to hope for a moment of face to face friendship, only to end up, once again, rejected and alone. yeah, i'm done with men, they are not to be trusted.
i stopped asking for Will's time because he doesn't seem to want me around anymore. he said weeks ago that he would contact me soon and we'd hang out. i've heard nothing from him since. it hurts. i miss him. i knew the void would be deep and wide when i no longer had his friendship available to me. i prayed so hard for so long but i guess i'm on my own. i need a good friend but i'm on my own.
yeah, i guess i'll disappear for a while. it hurts too much to hope for a moment of face to face friendship, only to end up, once again, rejected and alone. yeah, i'm done with men, they are not to be trusted.
09 May 2013
since i can't see your face...
...words are required for good communication.
i feel like he doesn't want to hang out with me. he always has some reason to not come around, not follow through with tentative plans. he doesn't want to see me but continues to text me...just enough to maintain loose contact. i wish he'd just tell me what he wants from me...why he says we're friends but never has time or attention for me. that's not friendship, it's weaseling. holding on just enough to not lose me, but not enough to give me anything worth sticking around for. i care too much to just walk away, but the uncertainty and consistent feeling of rejection and neglect are wearing through me. he's here but not here. i'm beginning to feel like a ghost, not a solid to be with, only a whisper to barely converse with.
i need to find a new friend or figure out how to accept i'm a ghost, here to hear but remain unheard.
i feel like he doesn't want to hang out with me. he always has some reason to not come around, not follow through with tentative plans. he doesn't want to see me but continues to text me...just enough to maintain loose contact. i wish he'd just tell me what he wants from me...why he says we're friends but never has time or attention for me. that's not friendship, it's weaseling. holding on just enough to not lose me, but not enough to give me anything worth sticking around for. i care too much to just walk away, but the uncertainty and consistent feeling of rejection and neglect are wearing through me. he's here but not here. i'm beginning to feel like a ghost, not a solid to be with, only a whisper to barely converse with.
i need to find a new friend or figure out how to accept i'm a ghost, here to hear but remain unheard.
05 May 2013
one foot, two foot, red foot, blue foot
i give up. without my feet i'm out of luck entirely. i can't do my job if i can't walk.
my left foot has been troublesome since the summer of 1992 when i slipped on a peach while running through the hollow in Kaysville. in 1997 i had an operation that was supposed to fix the problem, but it's been almost constantly sore and stiff ever since. i have a fairly high tollerance for pain, but this morning i woke up and couldn't put any weight on it.
i didn't twist it or drop anything on it, i don't know what happened as i didn't do anything out of the ordinary...except that working longer hours means standing and walking more. what am i going to do!? i'm scheduled 36 hours this week. i'm in desperate need of the money so i can't not work...i guess i'll have to hobble...or crawl...or something. ugh! i just can't catch a break! i need a miracle...where can i find one?
my left foot has been troublesome since the summer of 1992 when i slipped on a peach while running through the hollow in Kaysville. in 1997 i had an operation that was supposed to fix the problem, but it's been almost constantly sore and stiff ever since. i have a fairly high tollerance for pain, but this morning i woke up and couldn't put any weight on it.
i didn't twist it or drop anything on it, i don't know what happened as i didn't do anything out of the ordinary...except that working longer hours means standing and walking more. what am i going to do!? i'm scheduled 36 hours this week. i'm in desperate need of the money so i can't not work...i guess i'll have to hobble...or crawl...or something. ugh! i just can't catch a break! i need a miracle...where can i find one?
04 May 2013
real or not real addendum...
i can't edit my previous post from my iPod and i don't have the patience to turn my computer back on so i'll just do this...
it's not his fault. i don't really blame him...i want to believe he's good and a kind friend i can trust, i just don't know how because of my brokenness. i'm working on it...if he cares at all and still wants to be friends...unless he is in actuality a villain, in which case i ask him please to spare me because clearly i can't tell the difference.
but he's not responsible for me...so what do i matter? why should he bother any more with me...?
though i really am an invaluable friend...once i know i can trust you...
it's not his fault. i don't really blame him...i want to believe he's good and a kind friend i can trust, i just don't know how because of my brokenness. i'm working on it...if he cares at all and still wants to be friends...unless he is in actuality a villain, in which case i ask him please to spare me because clearly i can't tell the difference.
but he's not responsible for me...so what do i matter? why should he bother any more with me...?
though i really am an invaluable friend...once i know i can trust you...
real or not real?
i just finished reading The Hunger Games series for the second time. the first time i read it i had a severe emotional response...not because of the violence or other things to which most people had a reaction though. my distress initiated with the part in the third book when Peeta's perception of Katniss and reality in general has been hijacked by the Capitol. too often i feel "hijacked". i'm not always sure what's true, what's real...especially when it comes to my perception of myself and also personal relationships, particularly with men. i've always had some trouble with this, call it low self esteem or lack of self worth, or ptsd from emotional trauma as a child...maybe my concussions and other head injuries from childhood damaged my brain a bit, i don't know, but anyone who has ever read my blog can plainly see my perception really struggles sometimes. my depression and anxiety stem from this hijacked reality. my distrust of people (particularly men) may also have roots here, though that has been enhanced by actual abuse as well.
in the book, the squad Peeta is assigned to comes up with a way for him to filter out his thoughts and memories so he can determine which are real or not real. he describes an event or memory and asks "real or not real?" the others then state the facts about what really happened.
i know that every negative thought i have isn't true...but neither are all of them false. i know that every positive thought is not true or false either. but i don't have a squad assigned to keep watch, protect or contain me. all i have is my dysfunctional and traumatized brain and a few friends who are sometimes there, sometimes know some things, and who don't often speak up to give me a different perspective of the situation. the weasel shattered what little self worth i had left and it's taken me a long time to piece myself back together. Bobpi got me away from him, made me feel safe and loved for a while, then drop-kicked me and cracked the still drying plaster i put up as a defense. i worked hard, went to therapy, Will and The Artist helped me through some of it, giving me examples of menfolk i could trust...so when Photo came along i thought i was ok to open my heart again and try to trust.
in retrospect i can see what a terrible decision it was simply because of the circumstance surrounding the poor dear...but at the time all i could see was that he seemed like a nice guy who needed a good friend...also, i needed a friend and he offered to be a friend. my good intentions always seem to backfire. the hijacking, which had been dormant for long enough for me to think it wasn't going to be a problem anymore suddenly came back in full force. although i am fairly certain Photo really is a good man, certain uncanny resemblances to the weasel (more after we broke up than while we were together, though the basic pattern of behavior was pretty much identical now that i think about it) sent me into a fit of anxiety and depression.
i see now that it was unintentional, he didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't mean to be a jerk or treat me to poorly in the end, and i don't hold him responsible...though i do wish men in general would figure out how to be a little more considerate and conscious of the women in their lives. i'm sure there are plenty of women who could be more considerate as well...and i didn't handle things well either, i'll admit. so i'm sorry for my part. i doubt that i hurt him at all...but i don't know because he won't talk to me about things like that...so now i'm stuck with guessing where we stand in our FRIENDSHIP; what he wants from me, what i'm aloud to want from him...i am clueless as to the logistics of how to proceed...or even if to proceed. he'll text me but we can't have a real conversation. do i invite him to movie night or other group events? can we hang out alone together like i do with other guys who are friends? can we take a break, not text for a few days without the whole friendship going out the window? should we just discontinue trying to be friends?
maybe i'm over analyzing the situation, but when i didn't analyze and thought things were transitioning easily from more than friends to never more than friends, i thought we were on the same page but he punched me in the gut out of nowhere with some harshly worded finality. it was the way he approached and presented the information that made it feel like a blow, not the information itself that hurt because i was already there. i thought he loved me for a while, which made me want to open up and trust him; made me think my sensitive and fragile heart were safe in his hands, but his carelessness in discarding me made me want to never speak to him or any other man ever again.
i'm trying to process. i'm trying to figure out where the lines are. i'm trying to decide if any part of my life is safe with him or any guy, or if they are all weasels just waiting for the opportune moment to slither in and destroy me again. i want to believe that we can be friends, that he actually does care and his lack of appropriate decorum and diction are a result of the current stress and trauma in his life. but i'm afraid to make that allowance, afraid to let him in any part of my life because this was one of the weasel's main tactics: play on my compassion and understanding, my tender desire for friendship and then strangle me again when i was most vulnerable. i don't know what's real in regard to Photo. i don't know if i can trust him...the weasel always used to ask when i would finally trust him, even as he actively manipulated me and tore me apart...part of me never did trust him fully...and it was only in desperation and through the grace of God i finally found a way out of his grasp...though, as you can see, he still has some power over me...will i ever be free? will i ever find a man i can trust, completely? or should i just swear them off altogether?
i can't do this. i don't know how to work through this. i've been through therapy, too many times, but i can't ever figure out how to say the right things to get to the deep issues and root them out. maybe electroshock or a lobotomy is my only chance of being free from the weasel...but then i'll be a vegetable. i'm not strong enough for this. i need a way to determine reality, to see the complete truth about a man before i let him into my life and my heart in any way. maybe i'll convert to Catholicism just so i can go hide out in a convent and not have to worry about men at all anymore. i wish that he could just show me, prove to me that he is the friend he said he wanted to be. but i'm not important enough for that...how would he even begin to know how to try? he said he still wants me in his life, but i don't know what that means...the weasel always kept me around just enough that he could pick me up when he felt like playing with me, then toss me aside when he was done, pandering to my wants and needs only when it suited his. how can i make myself stronger, defend myself against such fiends without closing myself off entirely? how do i find the confidence and self worth to not allow myself to be treated poorly? i don't want to be a victim or easy target. i want to be stronger.
maybe i should check myself into an institution. maybe they can heal and fortify all that's forever broken and fragile inside of me. maybe they can teach me what's real and what's not real.
in the book, the squad Peeta is assigned to comes up with a way for him to filter out his thoughts and memories so he can determine which are real or not real. he describes an event or memory and asks "real or not real?" the others then state the facts about what really happened.
i know that every negative thought i have isn't true...but neither are all of them false. i know that every positive thought is not true or false either. but i don't have a squad assigned to keep watch, protect or contain me. all i have is my dysfunctional and traumatized brain and a few friends who are sometimes there, sometimes know some things, and who don't often speak up to give me a different perspective of the situation. the weasel shattered what little self worth i had left and it's taken me a long time to piece myself back together. Bobpi got me away from him, made me feel safe and loved for a while, then drop-kicked me and cracked the still drying plaster i put up as a defense. i worked hard, went to therapy, Will and The Artist helped me through some of it, giving me examples of menfolk i could trust...so when Photo came along i thought i was ok to open my heart again and try to trust.
in retrospect i can see what a terrible decision it was simply because of the circumstance surrounding the poor dear...but at the time all i could see was that he seemed like a nice guy who needed a good friend...also, i needed a friend and he offered to be a friend. my good intentions always seem to backfire. the hijacking, which had been dormant for long enough for me to think it wasn't going to be a problem anymore suddenly came back in full force. although i am fairly certain Photo really is a good man, certain uncanny resemblances to the weasel (more after we broke up than while we were together, though the basic pattern of behavior was pretty much identical now that i think about it) sent me into a fit of anxiety and depression.
i see now that it was unintentional, he didn't mean to hurt me, he didn't mean to be a jerk or treat me to poorly in the end, and i don't hold him responsible...though i do wish men in general would figure out how to be a little more considerate and conscious of the women in their lives. i'm sure there are plenty of women who could be more considerate as well...and i didn't handle things well either, i'll admit. so i'm sorry for my part. i doubt that i hurt him at all...but i don't know because he won't talk to me about things like that...so now i'm stuck with guessing where we stand in our FRIENDSHIP; what he wants from me, what i'm aloud to want from him...i am clueless as to the logistics of how to proceed...or even if to proceed. he'll text me but we can't have a real conversation. do i invite him to movie night or other group events? can we hang out alone together like i do with other guys who are friends? can we take a break, not text for a few days without the whole friendship going out the window? should we just discontinue trying to be friends?
maybe i'm over analyzing the situation, but when i didn't analyze and thought things were transitioning easily from more than friends to never more than friends, i thought we were on the same page but he punched me in the gut out of nowhere with some harshly worded finality. it was the way he approached and presented the information that made it feel like a blow, not the information itself that hurt because i was already there. i thought he loved me for a while, which made me want to open up and trust him; made me think my sensitive and fragile heart were safe in his hands, but his carelessness in discarding me made me want to never speak to him or any other man ever again.
i'm trying to process. i'm trying to figure out where the lines are. i'm trying to decide if any part of my life is safe with him or any guy, or if they are all weasels just waiting for the opportune moment to slither in and destroy me again. i want to believe that we can be friends, that he actually does care and his lack of appropriate decorum and diction are a result of the current stress and trauma in his life. but i'm afraid to make that allowance, afraid to let him in any part of my life because this was one of the weasel's main tactics: play on my compassion and understanding, my tender desire for friendship and then strangle me again when i was most vulnerable. i don't know what's real in regard to Photo. i don't know if i can trust him...the weasel always used to ask when i would finally trust him, even as he actively manipulated me and tore me apart...part of me never did trust him fully...and it was only in desperation and through the grace of God i finally found a way out of his grasp...though, as you can see, he still has some power over me...will i ever be free? will i ever find a man i can trust, completely? or should i just swear them off altogether?
i can't do this. i don't know how to work through this. i've been through therapy, too many times, but i can't ever figure out how to say the right things to get to the deep issues and root them out. maybe electroshock or a lobotomy is my only chance of being free from the weasel...but then i'll be a vegetable. i'm not strong enough for this. i need a way to determine reality, to see the complete truth about a man before i let him into my life and my heart in any way. maybe i'll convert to Catholicism just so i can go hide out in a convent and not have to worry about men at all anymore. i wish that he could just show me, prove to me that he is the friend he said he wanted to be. but i'm not important enough for that...how would he even begin to know how to try? he said he still wants me in his life, but i don't know what that means...the weasel always kept me around just enough that he could pick me up when he felt like playing with me, then toss me aside when he was done, pandering to my wants and needs only when it suited his. how can i make myself stronger, defend myself against such fiends without closing myself off entirely? how do i find the confidence and self worth to not allow myself to be treated poorly? i don't want to be a victim or easy target. i want to be stronger.
maybe i should check myself into an institution. maybe they can heal and fortify all that's forever broken and fragile inside of me. maybe they can teach me what's real and what's not real.
friends
all i'll really remember about today is the people. i worked with three of my favorite co-workers. we talked and laughed and had a pretty good time. tonight i went with The Artist, Nat, Chelle, HeyPay and her sister to see Iron Man 3...the movie was good, the company was better. all that matters is people. maybe people and knowledge...that's all we can take with us when we leave this life. when people look back at the end of their lives, what people say most is that they wish they'd spent more time with the people they love. people are my priority, 99% of the time. i surround myself with good people and my happiest moments are when i'm with them. my most distressing times are when there is discord or miscommunication...or no adequate communication. i don't just mean contact, just saying hi or exchanging a shallow word or two isn't adequate. substance that lets me know where we stand, a true exchange of interest and concern for the other's well being, creating moments that make good memories...that is friendship...that is what i love most.
03 May 2013
arms
if i could be granted one request for myself, it would be to have someone to embrace me whenever i am in need of a hug. that's all. it seems like such a simple request but somehow it's too much to ask. where are the arms meant to hold me? i really need them now. a friend or relative...i'd even accept the arms of a stranger. sigh
02 May 2013
too far out...
Not Waving But Drowning
by Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
yep, that's how i feel. "too far out all my life, and not waving but drowning"
i wish someone, anyone, could see and understand...one of these days the cold, dark waves are going to overtake me. but maybe that'll be better anyway...
by Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
yep, that's how i feel. "too far out all my life, and not waving but drowning"
i wish someone, anyone, could see and understand...one of these days the cold, dark waves are going to overtake me. but maybe that'll be better anyway...
walls
i need a job that pays more, and preferably one that offers benefits. perhaps i made a mistake in quitting the credit union and going back to school. it felt like the right thing at the time but now i'm broke, with enough debt to be concerned about my finances (though nowhere near as much as some), and no idea what to do with the degree i have. i feel...incomplete...like i'm only half way, but i don't know how to move forward. i don't want to rack up anymore debt and i don't have a clue what to study anyway, but more and more i feel like further education is included in the path ahead. i'm really good at being a student. i love learning and i usually make pretty good grades (especially since i figured out that it's better to focus my attention on the classes i like and just pass the ones i don't). but i don't have career ambition driving my education so i it's difficult to justify going back to school when i really need to just find a job that pays the bills.
if i were a character in a book or movie, i would suddenly come into a great deal of money which would provide me with a financial foundation on which to build the realization of all my dreams. oh how i wish i were the heroine in a fictional story. i would then be guaranteed all the things i currently lack: love, financial stability, and a happy ending. alas, my life is not a storybook and i am no heroine. i'm a weak, pathetic, needy, deeply flawed human being and therefore have no promise of true love, stability of any sort (financial or otherwise), and least possible of all, a happily ever after ending. i've worked so hard for so many years just to find contentment and self-reliance, but at 31 years old, i'm still failing at both of those, despite immense effort. i really am clinging to the edge of hopelessness, without any idea how to pull myself to safety. i'm drowning in anxiety, searching for any sign of a lifeboat or even just a flotation device because i'm losing what little strength i have and won't be able to tread much longer without some sort of relief. i just feel like there are too many forces against me and not enough behind me. i don't know what to do and every direction i turn i just run into another wall, too high to climb over, too deep to tunnel under, too long to go around and too thick to break through. i can't find the way alone...and i feel so very alone.
if i were a character in a book or movie, i would suddenly come into a great deal of money which would provide me with a financial foundation on which to build the realization of all my dreams. oh how i wish i were the heroine in a fictional story. i would then be guaranteed all the things i currently lack: love, financial stability, and a happy ending. alas, my life is not a storybook and i am no heroine. i'm a weak, pathetic, needy, deeply flawed human being and therefore have no promise of true love, stability of any sort (financial or otherwise), and least possible of all, a happily ever after ending. i've worked so hard for so many years just to find contentment and self-reliance, but at 31 years old, i'm still failing at both of those, despite immense effort. i really am clinging to the edge of hopelessness, without any idea how to pull myself to safety. i'm drowning in anxiety, searching for any sign of a lifeboat or even just a flotation device because i'm losing what little strength i have and won't be able to tread much longer without some sort of relief. i just feel like there are too many forces against me and not enough behind me. i don't know what to do and every direction i turn i just run into another wall, too high to climb over, too deep to tunnel under, too long to go around and too thick to break through. i can't find the way alone...and i feel so very alone.
01 May 2013
expectations
expectation is the rope that always hangs me. without expectation disappointment holds no weight. gratitude for whatever happens comes more easily without expectation of more. how can i find a way to live with hope and faith, but without specific expectation? i want to just live in gratitude and happiness, but i'm so caught up in what i expected life to be that i can't get past the lack of so many unfulfilled expectations.
i want to know what to expect from friends so i know where the boundaries are but people aren't very good at helping me know...so i expect in return what i give, but i give my all to friendships and i have noticed that most others are more reserved. i believe in balance and equality, i ought to get back what i give...sadly that is not how most people seem to work.
guys are particularly difficult in this aspect. i should know by now that i will always be disappointed in men if i cannot get rid of my expectations and just appreciate whatever they are instead of hoping they will be what they say they will be. they are never what they say. they are good at making and breaking promises. they are good at saying pretty things that i think they genuinely want to be true, but so rarely follow through with. i guess i should expect them to let me down, but for some reason i never really do. i try to convince myself but i always give in to hope that this one will be different...he never is, he's always just the same...inconsiderate and focused on their own self interests.
recently i've been talking a lot with various females in my life. all are or have been married and all of them have said the same thing. men are not and never will be what i want them to be. they are not intuitive or considerate of their own accord. most of them are good enough to follow through with specific requests but they don't see the need or offer to fill it without a direct entreaty. i forget that i have to be very precise in my wording, it's like talking to a child...but they call it condescension when i do that. i try to express myself but it seems that men and women simply speak different languages. i've had really good communication with some men, but for the most part, it just feels like men don't listen, don't even try to understand me...and don't try to help me understand them. i ask for help in knowing what to expect from them, but they are so unwilling...or perhaps simply incapable of giving me any idea. then, when they try to tell me, they say it with such a complete lack of consideration for my feelings or how i might receive it that what could have been a perfectly harmless and informative conversation turns out to be hurtful and destructive. why is it so difficult for some people just to sit down and have a face to face conversation?
oh well. i've decided to find the in between. i'll find a way to give less and expect nothing...or less than nothing. it feels empty and suspect and makes me sad, but the only alternative is to walk away and that doesn't feel right. i don't throw people away. i think he's harmless as long as i keep my defenses on high alert and don't ask for anything at all...and keep my giving to a minimum. i don't know if i can do that. i always give more than i ever receive. i like to give, i want to give, i just don't want to be used or left completely devoid. i wonder if the law of consecration applies only to physical and spiritual needs or if it includes emotional needs as well. i wish i could find a way to fulfill my own needs in that respect. i've always felt so emotionally neglected. i'm good at helping to fill that need in others, but i can't fill my own need.
anyway, expectation, it's a killer. i need to be more aware and in control of my own expectations. i'll work on that.
i want to know what to expect from friends so i know where the boundaries are but people aren't very good at helping me know...so i expect in return what i give, but i give my all to friendships and i have noticed that most others are more reserved. i believe in balance and equality, i ought to get back what i give...sadly that is not how most people seem to work.
guys are particularly difficult in this aspect. i should know by now that i will always be disappointed in men if i cannot get rid of my expectations and just appreciate whatever they are instead of hoping they will be what they say they will be. they are never what they say. they are good at making and breaking promises. they are good at saying pretty things that i think they genuinely want to be true, but so rarely follow through with. i guess i should expect them to let me down, but for some reason i never really do. i try to convince myself but i always give in to hope that this one will be different...he never is, he's always just the same...inconsiderate and focused on their own self interests.
recently i've been talking a lot with various females in my life. all are or have been married and all of them have said the same thing. men are not and never will be what i want them to be. they are not intuitive or considerate of their own accord. most of them are good enough to follow through with specific requests but they don't see the need or offer to fill it without a direct entreaty. i forget that i have to be very precise in my wording, it's like talking to a child...but they call it condescension when i do that. i try to express myself but it seems that men and women simply speak different languages. i've had really good communication with some men, but for the most part, it just feels like men don't listen, don't even try to understand me...and don't try to help me understand them. i ask for help in knowing what to expect from them, but they are so unwilling...or perhaps simply incapable of giving me any idea. then, when they try to tell me, they say it with such a complete lack of consideration for my feelings or how i might receive it that what could have been a perfectly harmless and informative conversation turns out to be hurtful and destructive. why is it so difficult for some people just to sit down and have a face to face conversation?
oh well. i've decided to find the in between. i'll find a way to give less and expect nothing...or less than nothing. it feels empty and suspect and makes me sad, but the only alternative is to walk away and that doesn't feel right. i don't throw people away. i think he's harmless as long as i keep my defenses on high alert and don't ask for anything at all...and keep my giving to a minimum. i don't know if i can do that. i always give more than i ever receive. i like to give, i want to give, i just don't want to be used or left completely devoid. i wonder if the law of consecration applies only to physical and spiritual needs or if it includes emotional needs as well. i wish i could find a way to fulfill my own needs in that respect. i've always felt so emotionally neglected. i'm good at helping to fill that need in others, but i can't fill my own need.
anyway, expectation, it's a killer. i need to be more aware and in control of my own expectations. i'll work on that.
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