today was kinda tough. i woke up with a headache, feeling more tired than when i went to bed, and no ambition to do anything. hiding away, locking myself in my room and not talking to anyone seemed like a really good idea because along with the rest, i felt irritable and angry. anger is a secondary emotion. it really serves no purpose except to cover the root emotions so you can put up defenses and not deal with the real issues at hand.
over the years i have built up walls of anger, allowing the bitterness and fear to fester until i am surrounded by defenses. right now i despise men. i even lashed out at The Artist, the one guy against whom i measure all other guys...one of my dearest friends.
but it's not their fault...not the general population of men, and definitely not The Artist. i'm insecure and angry with myself. i allowed myself to be used and abused by men for too long. i allowed myself to fall in love with guys i knew were not right for me. i allowed myself to trust guys who were not trustworthy. i neglected to create and maintain boundaries that would keep me safe while allowing me to build healthy relationships.
now i don't know how to try again. the man of my dreams is not around and i won't allow myself to become romantically involved with anyone who does not meet certain requirements. so i'm learning to be content on my own (you'd think i would have figured it out by now). for the first time in a long time i am totally on my own. i don't have a boyfriend, i don't have room in my life for the weasel to worm his way back in, i don't even have a crush on anyone (unless you count the rush i get when i watch robert downey jr. in Ironman 2...oh baby, oh baby).
"love is what makes the world go 'round"
"love is like oxygen...all you need is love"
"love is a many splendored thing"
"love conquers all"
"nothing ruins the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love"
and many other quoted and cliche' phrases...
i am a lover. i don't do well when i go too long without some attempt at love. i want love in my life...but right now there is no room. the heart is filled to overflowing with fear and anger and pain; once again, i am broken and don't know how to repair the damages left by careless guys so i can move forward and find my own true love. i'm working on it. i had my first session with a new therapist this week. it's been three years since i was in therapy. i used to be ashamed and try to hide it, but now, it doesn't matter. if therapy will help me work through the pain and become stronger, that's what i'll do.
i am strong enough to make it through. i'm a fighter (always have been, always will be) and that means that every trial or trouble or struggle i survive, makes me better and stronger and more able to help others. i'm going to be fine. i've done all i can on my own and now i need a little extra help. there's something that i need to learn and this is the way i need to learn it.
vulnerability and weakness are not part of who i am anymore. i have friends who love me. i have family who care. most of all, i have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who want me to succeed and who are with me, helping me fight whatever battles are in my path. this war is long and hard, but i am winning.
love will come and disolve my feelings of aggression. love will come and make up for all that i have lost, all that i have suffered, all that i have struggled through. love will come...
No comments:
Post a Comment