11 May 2010

laura isn't...

something inside still isn't working right. somewhere between the head and the heart and the brain functions there's a disconnect. it's been that way for a while but it's been ignored, pushed down, bottled away. but that isn't working anymore. the bottle, under pressure, wants to explode; there's no more room to push it down; the silence is too loud to ignore anymore.

so, the call has been made, the appointment set, the first step taken. it's not the first time, maybe it will be the last; that's the hope anyway.

i'm reaching out because i'm tired of feeling not like myself. maybe she can help me be me, maybe for the first time in my life...every time i get close, something happens and i'm broken again. i don't want to be shattered, defective, undone. i don't want to feel like i'm pasted together with watery glue.

most of the time i do just fine. most of the time i can hide how i feel inside. i surround myself with people. i find ways to serve and to give. the day to day and moment to moment won't cut it much longer. i'll work it out. i know the way...or i know how to find the way to those who know the way. i'm fine, it just takes time.

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