where is love

in stake conference sunday morning one of the speakers challenged us to seek out love, to date and really look for love. i had a little anxiety attack at that moment as a thought flashed clearly in my mind: "i can't. i can't take the risk again. i'm afraid to try to love again."

i've been thinking about all the guys i've dated, all the guys i've loved and opened my heart to over the years. of them all, i only ever felt truly loved and cared for by one. Teddy. he was a genuine friend who cared about me; and he's the one who continued to care about me after we broke up. he is the one i still consider a friend. he is the one with whom i have absolutely no regrets. one of the happiest moments of my life was when i hugged him at his wedding reception because i got to see him so very happy!

i always loved him as a friend. when he was my boyfriend, i tried loving him as more than a friend but the friendship love was always stronger than the romantic. from the beginning of our friendship i cared about him and felt love in my heart for him but it was never more than a friend. he is the one and only boyfriend that i ever felt truly loved and accepted by. the rest had selfish motives and never truly loved me. but i loved them.

Teddy's the one that doesn't hurt because it was honest and mature, and above all, it was resolved. there were no loose ends or unsaid words or hurt feelings left over. it ended and was over, but our friendship continued...the love that was always there continued, and continues. i wish all relationships could end so well.

since Teddy, i've had two extensive relationships that ended so terribly that i don't even want to try again. they lied to me, stole from me, destroyed any and all trust and hope i ever had in men or love. i can't open myself to that sort of betrayal, that sort of heartbreak again.

i want love but i'm so afraid that what initially looks like love will only turn out to be selfishness and betrayal again. i can't handle that again. i don't know what to do...