My Heart Covers More Than Just My Sleeve

One of my favorite tops to wear is a sweater with 3/4 length sleeves and a bunch of roses gathered into a heart appliqued across the front. I am like my sweater. These days I wear my heart openly for everyone to view...mostly here, on my blog.

For so many years I hid myself away, never letting anyone know what was on my mind or in my heart. I made myself so ill keeping everything bottled inside. I've decided it's better to let it out so it doesn't fester and multiply inside. I write my feelings and thoughts and frustrations here so I don't explode out loud and say things I probably won't feel for very long. I don't want to burden others with my troubles, sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to (or it's too late at night to call anyone, so I put my thoughts and feelings here. Then generally I feel better.

Writing has always been my favorite and most effective coping mechanism. If I can write it out I work it out. In my Family Studies class Fall 2009 semester my teacher liked to say, "Whatever is mentionable is manageable." I believe that. That is why I write. Sometimes I don't want to say outright what is bothering me in a moment, but it's not enough to write it down where no one will ever see it. I need to send it into the void so I can feel heard and understood.

Em came over and we hung out for a while this afternoon. I had some time with Bestest Friend today. She's having a baby girl and is now so excited! I gave Brownie a ride but we didn't really talk about anything too heavy and she wasn't defensive and fogging so it was better. I hung out with MG for a while tonight; we went for a walk and a drive and went to IHOP. It was nice.

I had some time alone today too...I feel better. I have a huge heart, perfect for loving. I want to love everyone, help them feel accepted and worthwhile, and therefore I give them the benefit of almost every doubt and try to forgive quickly. But the trouble with such a big heart is that it is sometimes broken and when that happens, it's not easily mended. Right now my heart is in a struggle. It wants to love but as I mentioned in the last post, it's terrified to do so. I'm working on it. I'm making progress. I just need to keep working at it. I don't feel so bitter or cynical or sarcastic today. I don't feel so hurt or hopeless.